Lying in Wait(61)

Malcolm’s German wife had died some years previously. We were both single. We started to date tentatively. He would make love to me and I would close my eyes and imagine that he was Andrew. He came to the house sometimes when Laurence was out. I wanted to keep him a secret from Laurence. I needed Laurence to know that there was nobody I loved as much as him.

But the problem with Malcolm was that he never stopped trying to fix me, even when I did not need to be fixed. Outside of our earlier therapy sessions I never spoke of Diana, and yet, when we were dating, Malcolm would bring it up from time to time. When he was in Avalon, after dinner one evening, he asked where the pond was. I thought my freezing silence would stop his curiosity, but he was oblivious to my iciness.

‘You really are one of the most interesting cases I ever had. The fact that you kept all this guilt hidden away from your own husband for what, twenty-odd years? I think it’s quite unhealthy to keep these things bottled up. You should be talking to someone about this. Not me now, obviously, but you would be amazed the difference it could make to your sense of freedom if you were able to talk about it. It might give you the liberty to leave the house overnight, to go on a holiday. I’m sure it’s at the root of all your issues.’

‘One of your cases? Is that all I am?’ I said, trying to ignore his comments. I went to prepare a tray for coffee, but when I returned to the dining room, he wasn’t there. The front door was wide open. I found him in the back garden.

‘I can’t find the pond,’ he said.

I pointed to the raised paved area with the bird bath on top. ‘Daddy filled it in afterwards. Come in and get your coffee while it’s still hot.’

He took my arm and admired the shrubbery as we crossed into the house.

‘You don’t have to talk about it, Lydia, but I think it would do you some good.’

When Laurence was going to spend the weekend in Athlone, I knew I would be desperately lonely, so I invited Malcolm to stay with me on Saturday.

He arrived at lunchtime, bringing a surprise guest with him. She had aged badly, but I recognized her immediately. I have always kept myself in shape and taken pride in my appearance. We were the same age, she and I, but her hair was short and grey, her face wrinkled, her navy clothes shapeless. I noticed the crucifix around her neck and realized she was a nun.

‘Amy Malone,’ I said, and I clutched on to the sideboard in the hall and then my knees could no longer support my weight and I fell to the floor.

When I came round, Malcolm was waving a cushion over my face and Amy was still there.

‘Have a cup of sugary tea, dear. I know it must be a terrible shock.’

Amy had watched me sit on my sister’s chest and extinguish her life.

‘Oh, Dr Mitchell, you should have warned her. I wouldn’t have come if I thought you hadn’t prepared her!’

I sat up and waved away their ministrations. ‘Please.’ When I was able, I sat on the sofa and drank a cup of sickly sweet tea.

‘Now, Lydia, you remember Amy, of course you do. She is Sister Madeleine now, with the Loreto nuns. And I brought her along to talk to you.’

‘Malcolm, how dare you? I don’t want –’

‘Sister Madeleine knows it wasn’t your fault, don’t you, Sister?’

I walked past them and went straight to the drinks cabinet while they babbled behind me in a blind panic.

‘We were so young, Lydia. We were children. You couldn’t have known that Diana was going to die. It was an accident and you were not to blame in any way. It was God’s will. The Good Lord would never want you to feel guilty. You never intended her to die.’

‘There, you see? I thought it would be a good idea to bring you two together so that you could talk about that day and lay old ghosts to rest.’

‘It’s not a day I’ll ever forget, God bless her soul. It was a childish row that got out of hand. You couldn’t have understood that she might die. It was just one of those things, Lydia, and you know I get down on my knees every night, and I pray for you and Diana.’

‘Why don’t I leave you to it for twenty minutes? And when I come back, perhaps Sister Madeleine could lead us in a prayer at the site of the old pond? What do you say, Lydia?’

I did not turn to face them but drained the glass of brandy and then refilled it.

‘Please leave,’ I said.

‘But, Lydia, Sister Madeleine has come all the way from Sligo to see you –’

‘Leave.’

‘I’m so dreadfully sorry, Lydia. I had no idea this was going to be a surprise for you. Dr Mitchell, please take me back to the station.’

‘There’s no need –’

Amy and I both turned on him then, and they left together in a burst of embarrassment.

Malcolm telephoned later but I hung up on him. I drank the rest of the bottle of brandy and wondered how Laurence was, and if he was missing me. I wondered what Bridget’s family home would be like, and knew that it couldn’t possibly compare to ours. I raised the blind in the kitchen and looked out at Diana’s grave. I knew it was Annie’s, but I liked to think it was Diana out there, and that she was sitting on the edge of the pond, waving at me, beckoning me to come and join her outside. I raised my hand and waved. I climbed up on to a stool and tore down the blind. I put back the original curtains. Laurence would have to get used to it.