Love, Creekwood (Simonverse #3.5)(17)

Yeah, I’m pretty fucking concerned, actually. Like, that is . . . an aggressively upbeat email. And I’m impressed that he managed to use infinity exclamation points, but . . . I’m not really buying the whole everything’s-fine-here schtick?

I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting. Do we think this is just chaotic Simon being chaotic? Or is this chaotic depressed Simon in the midst of an unprecedented downward spiral, the depths of which he is both unable and, for some reason, unwilling to fully communicate?? I swear to god. SIMON, YOU KNOW EVERY WORD TO EVERY GODDAMN ELLIOTT SMITH SONG. How is it this hard for him to talk about sadness?

And he still hasn’t replied to the other email, of course, but it’s not even just that. It’s the fact that he hasn’t even acknowledged it, other than thanking me for handling things with the ride operator. But nothing since then, Abby. He hasn’t even mentioned it in a text. It’s kind of freaking me out. He’s normally so open with me.

Abby, what do we do??





FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

DATE: FEB 11 AT 10:24 AM

SUBJECT: RE: FWD: RE: EVERYTHING GOOD?

Hold up, getting my fake Word document into position . . . wait for it . . . and . . .

Okay! So yeah, Simon’s definitely NOT giving off the chill vibes he thinks he is, but I also don’t know that we’re in “unprecedented downward spiral” territory? LOL. I think he’s just missing Bram a lot, and maybe trying to distract himself and stay positive. And I guess he’s trying to keep us from worrying about him (and yeah, it probably would have landed better with about twenty fewer exclamation points, but Simon’s pretty exclaim-y in general, don’t you think?).

But I get why you’re worried. And I get the impression it’s less about this particular Simon-on-crack email (god, the ghost pun), and more about the email he hasn’t replied to. I’m reading between the lines a little, maybe, but Leah . . . you don’t feel like you pushed Simon into an unprecedented downward spiral, right? I don’t care what you wrote in that email. If Simon’s depressed or spiraling or confused right now, that’s because of whatever chemical or situational stuff he’s dealing with. Maybe both! And yeah, I think it’s a good idea to keep checking in on him, but don’t let this haunt you, okay (or “overly haunt” you—wtf does that even mean, Simon? Is there some known acceptable haunting level? SMDH, truly, what are we going to do with that boy??).

Okay, shifting gears for a second, because as you may have noticed, it’s February 11th, which means you and I desperately need to talk about the big VD (NOT the big venereal disease, Burke, don’t even try me). So here’s the deal, my cynical misanthrope of a girlfriend: I hereby challenge you to a single round of Valentine Cliché Bingo.

The rules are as follows:

On February 13th, each participant will work privately to create one (1) traditionally structured Bingo card, featuring five rows and five columns, for a total of twenty-five squares. Then (with the exception of the Free Space in the center) participants will fill in each square with a written description of one Valentine’s Day cliché. This may be a gift, tradition, activity, or phrase (for example: “a dozen red roses,” “candlelit dinner,” “be my valentine,” etc.). All twenty-four squares must contain different clichés, and the items will be chosen and arranged at the participant’s discretion.

THE PARTICIPANTS MUST REFRAIN FROM RE-VEALING THEIR BINGO CARDS TO EACH OTHER FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE GAME. THIS IS OF CRITICAL, MONUMENTAL IMPORTANCE.

On February 14th, beginning at 8:00 a.m. EST, the participants (with no knowledge of the twenty-four items listed on each other’s Bingo cards) will engage in Valentine-themed clichés for the duration of the day. The goal for both participants will be to engage in a cliché listed on the other participant’s Bingo card.

If a participant enacts a cliché listed on the other participant’s card, the cardholder MUST mark off the item as complete. (So, for example, if Participant A’s square reads “a dozen red roses,” and Participant L presents Participant A, in real life, with a dozen red roses? Participant A must mark off that square on her Bingo card).

If either participant marks off five squares in a row, in any orientation (vertical, horizontal, or diagonal), this means the OTHER participant has successfully achieved Bingo. The cardholder must immediately notify the other participant of her Bingo status, thus ending the game.

So here’s the deal: If you win, I’ll agree to make precisely zero Valentine’s Day–themed posts on social media for the entire day. But, Leah, if I win? You’re posting a picture of every fucking teddy bear and piece of chocolate I give you.

So, Valentine, do you accept these terms?

(God, I can’t wait to watch Competitive Leah and Cliché-Avoidance Leah war it out all over your beautiful face.)

xoxo,

Abby





FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

DATE: FEB 15 AT 9:13 PM

SUBJECT: RE: DID YOU SEE THIS?

RIGHT??? IT’S SO WEIRD. Do you think she got hacked?? Or possessed? Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty freaking cute, but Leah Burke Instagramming her Valentine’s Day haul is the freshman year plot twist I didn’t see coming.