Living Out Loud (Austen, #3)(81)

She took a long breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was unsteady, her eyes on her trembling fingers as they twisted each other, seeking comfort.

“I only remember bits and pieces. Dancing in the living room. Laughing on the balcony. Feeling slow and tired and clumsy. Will taking me to a dark bedroom. Wondering if he’d drugged me as he laid me down in the bed. And I thought…I thought he was going to…” She shook her head. “But he didn’t. He left me there, and I remember how relieved I was. Until someone else came in.”

A heavy tear dropped from her lashes and to the floor. “I don’t know who he was—a boy from another school, I think. He was everywhere, and there was nothing I could do; I couldn’t move, couldn’t fight, couldn’t scream. And then he left me there in that room, just like Will had, but he’d taken everything from me before he’d gone.”

The words broke, her hand moving to press her lips, as if she could keep the sobs held down, and within a breath, I was at her side, pushing the textbooks away and pulling her into me, thinking only thoughts of agony and murder.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Tears pricked my eyes, flooded my vision, my fingers in her hair and her face against my chest.

“Because there was nothing I could do. I had no proof, couldn’t remember what he even looked like. And I know I shouldn’t have been ashamed, but I was. I am. Pictures of…of me started floating around school in group texts. And Will didn’t do a goddamn thing about it but use it as ammunition to ostracize me from everyone I knew. And I was afraid that if I said something, if I accused him, no one would believe me. It was easier to be labeled a whore than branded a liar.”

“And all this time…”

She pulled away, though my shirt was still fisted in her hands. “Those rumors I told you he spread were true. It happened, just not the way everyone said. I asked him once, begged him to tell me why he’d left me there, and he said that I shouldn’t have fucked with him. And when I asked him if he’d meant for me to get raped, he looked at me with dead eyes and said he stopped caring the second he walked out the door.”

My vision dimmed, my pulse driving my heart to the point of pain.

“Ever since he came back into your life, it’s been weighing on me. I didn’t know if it would help or hurt or make any difference at all. And I tried to tell you so many times, but I couldn’t speak the words. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I pulled her back into me, pressing her to my body, wishing I could undo what had been done to her. “Don’t apologize. Don’t you say you’re sorry, not for this,” I breathed. “But Annie’s with him right now. I have to go—I need to get her.”

She nodded, still crying.

I cupped my sister’s cheek and looked into her eyes. “Everything’s going to be fine,” I said, hoping it was true. “Don’t add this guilt to your heart.”

She nodded, but I knew the agreement was empty. Her heart would carry that guilt forever.

But I had to go, wouldn’t wait. I only hoped that son of a bitch was still there when I got to Annie.

Because I had so much to say.





22





Heartbeats





Annie

“So, let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Will said coolly from the other side of the booth. “You stayed here. Last night. With Greg. In the dress I gave you. And now you’re breaking up with me for him?”

My fingers were restless in my lap. “Will, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for. His hurt feelings? Mine?

“Listen,” he said, his face softening with his voice, “last night I said things I didn’t mean. I care about you, Annie, and I want to be with you. What do I have to do to prove that to you?”

“Nothing,” I said simply. “It just happened this way. It wasn’t your fault.”

It was another lie, and I couldn’t understand why I kept making excuses for him. But more than anything, I wanted this business done and over with. If placating him got me there, so be it.

“But we’re great together, Annie. I’m sorry for what I said last night. I just can’t keep suffering interventions from Brandon.” He spat the name like a curse.

Anger blew through me in a gust. “Stop it, Will. I’m sorry I even brought him into this. It’s about you and me. And last night wasn’t the first time you failed to take my feelings into account.”

He laughed, a cold, bitter sound. “Your feelings? Not once did you listen when I told you he was trying to get between us. Not once did you seem to care what I wanted, what I’d asked for. But I’m the one who’s insensitive? That’s rich, Annie. Real rich.”

My cheeks prickled with heat. “I cannot believe you. Are you so blinded by jealousy that you can’t see you’ve been acting like a child?”

“A child?” he said, his eyes narrowed and voice on the rise. “You hadn’t even been kissed when I met you. You have no fucking clue what the world is about, not one.” He slapped the table, and I jolted at the sound. “God, even now you have that look on your face like a lost little girl.”

Tears sprang in my eyes, and I felt just as inexperienced as he suggested. I should have listened to Greg—I never should have agreed to this.