It's Only Love(92)

As tears poured down her cheeks, she pressed her face to his shirt.

“Baby, don’t cry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’d give anything to go back to Thursday night when we were still in bed and everything was perfect.”

“Before I ruined it by trying to surprise you.”

“You didn’t ruin it. I did. I take full responsibility for that. I love you so much, El. I’ll always love you. Please give me another chance to be what you need. I won’t let you down this time.”

She cried softly in his arms, wrapped up in his strength and that irresistible scent.

“Ella, say something. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“The part that hurt the most wasn’t that you didn’t want to go on the trip. It was that you walked away from me over it. What you said that night . . . That’s the part I can’t stop thinking about. I didn’t care about the trip. I always knew it was possible you might not want to go or be able to . . . But that you ended it with me five minutes after we made love. I can’t get past that, Gavin, as much as I wish I could.”

“That was a huge mistake. I overreacted. I was scared. I said things I shouldn’t have said.”

“How do I know that’s not going to happen again?”

“I’m promising you, right here and right now, that will never happen again.”

“How can you promise that? If you’d asked me Thursday if it would happen, I would’ve said no way. I don’t know if I can live with the fear of something I say or do setting you off and making you walk away. It’s like walking through a minefield.”

His body went rigid and he winced.

“Oh God, Gavin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay. It’s an apt description.”

“I should’ve thought of another way to say it.”

He drew back from her, and framed her face with his hands, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. “I love you, and I’m standing here promising I will never walk away from you again, no matter what. All I have to give you is my word, Ella. I give you my word. What happened the other night will never happen again.”

She wanted to believe him. She wanted so badly to believe him, to hang on to his assurances with everything she had. But the pain was still so fresh, so present. The ache in her chest had dissipated somewhat since he arrived, but it hadn’t gone away entirely.

“Ella?”

“I want to believe you. I really do.”

“You can believe me. I’ve had two incredibly long days without you to figure out that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to fix this, to have you back in my arms where you belong. Tell me you still love me, that I haven’t ruined us completely.”

“I do still love you—”

His lips came down on hers, hard and swift, his tongue persuading her to open her mouth to him, to welcome him back in. His arms came around her, holding her in place for his fierce possession.

This was insanity. One minute she was thinking about how she could convince him to let her go. The next minute she was so wrapped up in him again that the thought of letting him go seemed the most preposterous thing she’d ever considered.

Because she had no choice where he was concerned, she wrapped her arms around his neck and lost herself to his kiss. Many minutes later, he broke the kiss and turned his attention to her neck, setting off a shiver that traveled all the way through her. “Take me back to your room, Ella. I need you. I need to show you how much I love you.”

Though she was still confused and not at all convinced that taking him back was in her best interest, she joined her hand with his and walked with him to where they’d left their shoes. Without another word passing between them, they picked up their shoes and carried them as they walked barefoot through the winding path that led to her room.

She proceeded up the stairs ahead of him, acutely aware of his eyes on her as she went. Outside her room, she used the keycard she’d tucked into her dress to open the door.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said as the door clicked shut behind them. “What you’re feeling.”

“I feel powerless.”

“Ella, honey, you have all the power here.”

“No, I don’t. You have the power to ruin me.”

“I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to love you. That’s all I want.”

“I’m scared of how much I love you. It hurts me when you can’t be what I need.”

His eyes filled and he closed them, his jaw tightening as he wrestled with his emotions. When he opened his eyes, he showed her his heart. “I’m going to be everything you need, and then some. I’ll never let you down again, Ella. I promise you with everything that I am, you can trust me.”

God, she wanted so badly to believe him. She’d never wanted anything more than she wanted to take his assurances to the bank and invest them in her future. As he kissed her neck and unzipped her dress, Ella closed her eyes and tried to give in to the desire he always stirred in her.

But in the back of her mind was the scene from Thursday night, when he’d made love to her and then walked away from her because he’d let his demons come between them. What would she do if that happened again?

She told herself to let go of the past, to start fresh from this minute forward and hope for the best. Except . . . She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t pretend like the other night hadn’t happened, as much as she wanted to.