It Started With A Tweet(99)

‘Hi, Daisy,’ says a tall wiry man with hipster glasses, before the lift doors have finished opening. ‘Welcome to E.D.S.M. I’m Ben, Managing Director.’

I try and steady my hand enough to shake his, all the while attempting to ignore the camera and boom man hanging out to the side. He’s not at all who I imagined him to be. I’d imagined a suited and booted middle-aged man, but instead he’s dressed in tight jeans and a checked shirt, and his hair is expertly styled to appear like it’s not styled at all.

‘Nice to meet you,’ I stutter.

‘You too. Well, here we are in our offices. As you can see we’re still fairly small and we’re pretty much all in this open-plan area here. Including me and my business partner, as we wanted to make sure that we’re accessible for the staff.’

I nod, glancing around and trying to take it in. For starters, it’s an assault on the senses with its liberal approach to colour. Neon-green plastic chairs, magenta desks and sunflower-yellow walls. Shrewd move on the boss’s part, as you’d never want a night on the tiles before coming to work – this would be the worst place ever to have a hangover.

There are only a dozen desks and only half of those are filled. There’s a kitchen area in one corner, surrounded by beanbags and comfy-looking turquoise loungers, and on the opposite side of the office is a glass-panelled conference room.

‘We have a Nespresso machine over in the corner, and we provide all the different-flavour capsules. Then we have a small kitchenette, where we also provide bread and different types of spreads. We’re also all for creativity, so we’ve got breakout spaces with the loungers and we’ve got a skittle alley in the hallway on the way to the loos,’ he says rattling on.

I’m nodding, trying to keep up. It’s all very well knowing about the free toast, but I’d probably be more interested in knowing what the company did.

‘Great, that’s very good to know,’ I say, as he looks at me as if eager to please.

‘OK, so shall we get started?’

‘Yes, please.’

I follow him into the conference room and sit down where directed. There’s a couple of awkward minutes where the camera crew try to get themselves in the right location, but once they’re rolling, Ben gets going again.

‘So, we are just waiting for my business partner to arrive, and then we’ll get started. Ah, here he is now,’ he says, pointing over my shoulder at the door to the conference room. It’s not until the door opens that I see who it is and my eyes nearly pop out of my head. I’m fully aware of the camera trained on my face, and I try not to flinch as Dickhead Dominic walks into the room with a beaming smile and takes his place next to Ben.

I want to lean over the table and wring his neck, but I’m guessing that’s exactly the type of entertainment Jaz would love to capture. I’ve already been the butt of Internet jokes once; I’m not making that mistake again by being immortalised as a gif.

‘Daisy, this is my partner, Dominic Cutler. I’m the app developer and I deal with all the tech side of things, and Dominic here is the money man who gets the investors onside and oversees the finances.’

‘Pleasure to see you again, Daisy,’ he says leaning over to shake my hand.

I shake it back, while looking him in the eye as if trying to telepathically tell him how much of a wanker I think he is, all the while keeping a smile on my face for the TV cameras.

‘Oh, that’s right, you’ve met before. Dominic suggested we contact you when we decided that we needed a marketing manager. You’ve clearly got a good reputation,’ says Ben, suitably unaware of the looks flying between Dominic and me. If only looks could actually kill.

‘Daisy’s reputation is well-documented in a number of places,’ says Dominic with a smug look on his face. ‘Now, I’m sure you’re probably wondering what it is we do here, as I doubt you’ll have found anything out about us online.’

He raises an eyebrow as if he’s fishing.

‘Other than your company registration and the fact that you are some sort of software company, no.’

‘Well, then,’ says Dominic, seemingly pleased. ‘We’re a dating app.’

‘That’s what the initials stand for: Evolved Dating Social Media,’ says Ben, as he spits out the apparent random words at me. ‘We were going to call it Social Media Evolved Dating, but S.M.E.D. sounded a bit naff, and E.D.S.M. is a bit of a play on B.D.S.M.,’ he says, rattling away.

‘So,’ says Dominic, taking back control. ‘We have an app you pair with your social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, et cetera, and it matches you with people who have similar online interests. People who watch the same type of viral videos, like similar companies .?.?.’

‘We believe that it gives people more of a match with what they’re actually like, rather than just what they want to project on a dating site,’ says Ben.

I don’t want to point out that, before my digital detox, I used to like things and check in at places just to make me look more intelligent and more cultured; there’s always an element of manipulation where social media is involved.

‘We’re in the product-testing stage at the moment, but we hope to launch in the fourth quarter.’

‘That’s why we haven’t posted anything online up until now, as we don’t want any of our competitors hitting on the idea,’ says Ben, looking as if it’s all a bit clandestine.