It Started With A Tweet(101)

Ben clearly wears the trousers in their business relationship, making me think they might not be equal partners.

‘Now, most people would probably just look at their tweets on the front page, you know, what they have to say to the Twitter stream, but I always like to click on people’s mentions and replies, I say clicking on it. Here, you get a better idea of what makes people tick. Ah, here we go, this is a tweet to a shampoo company that make caffeine shampoo to encourage hair growth. And another to an expensive moisturiser. So what I’d assume from that, is that the man in question is quite vain, perhaps not wanting to show signs of ageing.’

Ben does his honking laugh and I see the camera focus on Dominic. Now he’s the one who looks as if he wants to lean over the table and strangle me.

‘And take this tweet to KC Husker,’ I say, starting to enjoy myself as all eyes in the room read the lewd message he sent the notorious glamour model about peaches. ‘He clearly would go for a certain type of woman – clearly he values beauty over brains.’

‘Then lastly, this company he’s tweeted to, I’m pretty sure it’s a haemorrhoid cream, but whatever it is, it shows that he’s not got the greatest respect in the world for customer-service reps.’

‘Oh my God, this is too funny, huh, Dominic?’

He looks like a volcano about to explode. ‘This is such a gross violation. I mean, who I tweet should be private.’

‘Well, it could be worse,’ I say, trying to keep calm, ‘it’s not like this is being printed in a national newspaper.’

‘I like her, Dom. She’s funny. I think she’d be perfect for the role.’

‘You can’t be serious?’ says Dominic. ‘Hang on, then. I’ve got another question. Why did you leave your last employment?’

I take a deep breath and wonder whether enough’s enough. I’ve sat here answering questions for a job I really don’t want, all so that I don’t humiliate myself on television. But what’s to stop me from getting up and walking out silently? It might come across strangely on the telly if it made the edit, but it would probably be preferable to telling the truth.

‘Well?’ he says, as if he’s just performed checkmate.

‘I was fired,’ I say, surprising myself with my honesty. ‘I represented my company badly after a momentary lapse in concentration.’

‘You sent a sexually explicit tweet from your work account when you meant to send it from your personal one,’ says Dominic.

Ben looks between us as if he’s connecting the dots.

‘You’re the woman behind hashtag priceless? Wow. Just wow,’ he says. ‘I should be grateful, as it’s going to give us some great PR when the company launches. And imagine if you were on board too.’

His eyes light up and I think this is the only interview I’d ever have where they’d be this excited about my major Twitter fuck-up.

‘So where do you see yourself in five years’ time?’ asks Ben, seemingly unfazed with the daggers shooting between Dominic and me.

I close my eyes for a second, as if to conjure up an image of myself sitting in my own office with staff scurrying around me at my every beck and call, only I can’t. I can’t see myself at a desk, and especially not one that’s magenta.

I waffle through the question regardless, giving them the usual spiel of managing teams and wanting more responsibility, but I can’t even convince myself that that’s what I want for the future.

‘Well, thank you for coming to see us,’ says Ben, as he concludes the interview. ‘We’ve been very impressed, haven’t we, Dominic?’

‘Have we?’ he replies with a scowl.

‘Yes, we have. You’re our last candidate for this position, and I have to say that I think you’d be a perfect fit for the company.’

I smile. ‘Thank you, Ben. While it would be an absolute pleasure to work with you, and I think the app is a great idea, I could never work with a misogynistic arsehole like Dominic.’

So much for keeping my decorum for the telly.

‘I’ll see myself out,’ I say, shuffling past the camera crew.

Jaz gives me a smile on the way out, which makes me realise I’ve at least made someone’s day. They’ll have something exciting for their TV show at least.

I hold my head up high and walk out of the building. This has to be the weirdest interview I’ve ever had, but probably the only one to make me realise what I don’t want to do with my life.





Chapter Thirty-Three

Time since last Internet usage: 3 days, 5 hours, 41 minutes and 32 seconds

‘I cannot believe that happened. That kind of thing could only have happened to you,’ says Erica, giggling as we make our way to the table.

I’ve just filled her in on the cringey interview with Dickhead Dominic as we made our way through the bar.

‘I know, I can’t believe it either,’ I say sighing. ‘Although it means I’m back to square one on the whole not-having-a-job front, and probably not able to get another job.’

‘I’m sure something else will come up. Have you contacted any recruitment agencies?’

I shake my head. ‘Not yet. I still don’t know what I really want. When the MD asked me where I want to be in five years’ time, I trotted out my stock answer of wanting to be in a senior marketing role with lots of responsibility, but I don’t really know if that’s the truth anymore.