I Was Told It Would Get Easier(35)

“And made things hard for me at the same time.”

I smiled. “Hiding in every problem is an opportunity, remember?”

“Really? Who told you that?”

“You did, John. Goodbye.”

I hung up and immediately called Valentina. “Hey there, what do you know about international shipping?”

“Not all that much.”

“Well, you might want to brush up.” I told her about Ostergren. “Any word from John on the partner thing?”

“Nothing.” She sounded uncharacteristically uneven. “It’s unofficially going around that Will Maier and Jeff Mako are getting it.” She added, “They totally deserve it.”

“Yes, they do. So do you, Valentina.”

“Maybe it’s not my year.”

“It is. Don’t get ready to fail.”

“I can wait.”

“Yes, but don’t.”

There was a silence long enough to tell me she was thinking about saying something. “Spit it out.”

“Someone said they aren’t making any women partners this year because of Jerkwad.”

Jerkwad, obviously, was what we all called Jackson the ex-partner and total douchebag who’d been fired.

Now I hesitated. “Why would that make sense?” Not an answer, but hopefully she wouldn’t notice.

“I don’t know. I never even worked for him.”

“Listen, Val. Hold fast. Don’t let any of this get in your head. Tell me about your caseload.” As she started telling me about her work, I heard her voice settle. I see this in myself; work is not always my happy place, but it is my confident place. I know what I’m doing with law, it behaves in predictable ways, it takes its time. It gives me a feeling of competence and mastery I don’t get anywhere else.

I let Valentina talk out her work all the way to Philadelphia. As we approached the hotel, I told her we had to break it off.

“Thanks, Jess,” she said, clearly feeling much better. “I’m going home.” She laughed. “It’s strange not having you here. Usually when it’s time to go I can still find you in your office.”

“Well,” I said wryly, “not sure that’s very admirable.”

“I am,” she said. “I do admire it. You’re a great mentor, Jess. Thanks.”

The car pulled up in front of the hotel. “You’re welcome, Val. Gotta go face Emily now.”

“I’m sure she admires you, too.”

I laughed. “Current evidence suggests not, but never mind. I’ll call you tomorrow.” She hung up, and I gave myself thirty seconds to feel good about myself. My colleagues let me help them, and it’s such a good feeling. When Emily was little she needed my assistance constantly, asking me to do up a shoe, to make her a sandwich, to show her how to work this small machine or that one, and when she stopped wanting my help it was like missing a step in the dark. I still reach for the jar she can’t open, the object that’s too high on a shelf, the thorny problem my weathered hands can untangle. But where she used to smile and run off, happy with the open jar, the tied shoe, the sandwich, now she turns angry eyes on me and tells me sharply she can do it herself: God, Mom, just stop, will you?

I walked into the hotel, feeling my confidence rubbing off on the carpet with every step. Every day the culture shock of leaving the office omnipotent and walking into my house incompetent threatens to overwhelm me. I had hoped this trip would even things up a bit, but so far it’s a bit of a bust.





10





JESSICA


When I walked into our room I found Emily already dressed and ready to go out.

“How was your work thing?” she asked. “Did you save the whatever?”

Her voice was a hair trigger, impossible to judge. I tried smiling. “I did. I saved the whatever and then on the way back I fixed the thingy and talked to Valentina about the whatyoucallit.”

She’d started off smiling back at me, but it was clearly a mistake to mention Valentina. “Valentina gets a lot of your time,” she said, turning away.

“Not really,” I said, taking off my shoes and sitting on the bed. “What time are we meeting your grandfather?”

“Eight,” she said, “but we have drinks with your friend first, remember?”

Damn, I had totally forgotten. I was exhausted and would happily have canceled the drinks part at least, but for some reason she was all gung ho. The whole hanging-out-with-my-friends thing was Emily’s idea; she’d suggested it when we were originally planning the trip.

“Hey, don’t you still have college friends on the East Coast?”

I’d stared at her across the dinner table and frowned. “Uh, yes, I think so. Not sure . . .”

“That’s great, let’s go see them.”

I was surprised. Say what you like about Emily, she’s not particularly nosy about my life. I could be explaining my latest case to her, hoping she might like to understand what I do all day, but then I realize she’s basically listening for her name, like Alexa, and ignoring everything else.

“Really?” I said. “We’ll be seeing Amanda and Robert in New York.”

“I know, but I think it would be fun to meet more people who knew you when you were in college.”