I Have Lost My Way(51)

“So let us all raise a glass to wish Harun well,” his father continues. “To hope he finds as good a partner as I did.”

They all raise a glass, except for Leesa, who scoffs. “Partner? That’s what you call it?” She turns to Freya. “Am I the only one having a hard time with this?”

Freya, still levitating five feet off the ground, doesn’t quite get Leesa’s question. Is she objecting to Harun being gay? “If it makes him happy, why should anyone else care?”

“See?” Harun’s mother says. “They probably have this in Ethiopia too.”

“They have it everywhere, as far as I know,” Freya says.

“And I really don’t see how it’s your business,” Halima tells Leesa. “It’s his choice.”

“And what about the girl? Is it her choice?” Leesa shakes her head.

Girl? What is going on? Freya tries to catch Harun’s eye, to say: Help me understand. I’m here to help. I can be your plan C too. But he won’t look at her.

“No disrespect, but between the burkas and the arranged marriages,” Leesa continues, “the way you people treat women is barbaric.”

“Babe,” Saif begins.

“‘You people’?” Halima fumes. “My parents had an arranged marriage, and they’ve been happily married more than twenty-five years.” She narrows her eyes. “Let’s see if you and Steve manage half as long. Because from what I’ve heard . . .”

“Okay,” Saif says, standing. “Time to go.”

“But we haven’t had dessert,” Harun’s mother says.

“I don’t want dessert,” he says. “Leesa, meet me in the car.”

“Gladly,” she says. She stalks off without saying goodbye, taking the half-empty bottle of wine with her.

When the door clicks behind her, Saif turns to his family. “This is why we never come here. Because none of you accept her.”

“Accept her?” Harun’s mother says. “When she says such terrible things about us?” She shakes her head. “Why did you have to marry . . .”

“An American? Because I am an American.”

“Someone who doesn’t respect us,” Harun’s mother says.

“Oh, so we’re all supposed to be like Harun? The good, dutiful son?”

“I’m not a good son,” Harun mumbles.

“Please,” Saif shoots back. “You’re the same kiss-ass you’ve always been.”

“Saif!” Harun’s father says, an edge of warning in his voice.

Freya is paying half her attention to the squabble and half her attention to the sounds upstairs. A toilet flushing. A sink running. The sounds of footsteps on the stairs. Whistling. Nathaniel is whistling.

He’s whistling and smiling as he enters the dining room. Freya tries to catch his eye to warn him that something is going down, but he doesn’t see.

But she does. In sickening slow motion, she suddenly sees that everything’s about to go sideways. She’s felt this way before. And once again, she is helpless to do anything.



* * *



— — —

“I’m not a good son,” Harun repeats.

“Of course you are,” Ammi says. “And you’re going to marry someone nice and bring joy to your whole family.”



* * *



— — —

Nathaniel, who only catches the bit about Harun getting married, and who is drunk on that kiss, feels elation for his friend. And relief. All day long, a melancholy has radiated off of Harun, even when he spoke of his boyfriend, and Nathaniel wondered why he hasn’t called this James, if something was amiss. He’d felt a kinship with Harun’s sadness, with his secrets. But now it’s different. Nathaniel has laters. And Harun does too. “So you’re going to marry James?” he says.



* * *



— — —

Harun exhales.

There. There it is. At last.

“James?” Saif asks. “Who’s that?”



* * *



— — —

The hospice nurse, Hector, once told Nathaniel that you could tell when someone passed because the air changed. “It’s like the departing soul leaves a shadow behind.”

No one has died, but Nathaniel feels the sudden change in the room. Where moments before there had been plan Cs and laters, now there is only emptiness. It’s a feeling he knows all too well.

He snaps back to reality as he takes in the heaviness in the room. Harun’s trembling hands. Freya’s contorted face. Did he do this?

“Who’s James?” Harun’s brother asks again.

Nathaniel sees the despair on Harun’s face. It’s a look he knows all too well.

What the hell has he done?



* * *



— — —

“Is this James another friend from school, beta?” Abu asks.

When Harun turns to Ammi, her face is so hopeful, he almost wants to say yes.

School was where they met, after all. Harun was lost and James showed him the way. It wouldn’t be a lie.

But he has just heard his father say James’s name out loud. He won’t deny him any longer.