I Have Lost My Way(46)

He will make for him a way out. I repeated that in my head. A way out. Amir would help me find the way out.

By the time Amir called again two days later, my calm had frayed as I imagined Amir telling Khalu, who would tell Khala, who would tell Ammi.

“Did you tell your parents?” I asked him.

“Not yet. Just my imam. He helped me come up with a plan.”

“What is it?”

“Will you trust me?”

“I told you my secret.”

“Will you trust me?” he repeated.

It didn’t matter if I would trust him. I’d told him. I had no choice. “Yes.”

“Be patient,” he advised. “I will help you, but you must trust me.”

“Okay,” I said.

Two days later when I came home from class, both my parents were waiting for me in the living room, along with Abdullah and Halima. And in that moment, I saw my way out.

Ammi was crying, which was to be expected.

I took a breath, prepared to face whatever it was.

Abu embraced me. And for that second I truly believed they would love me no matter what. I thought that James was right: love could conquer all. And that Amir was also right: Allah would provide me a way out.

“We spoke on the phone with Khalu,” Abu said, releasing me.

I stood back. Be brave, I told myself. Be brave.

“We are so happy!” Ammi said, dabbing her tears with the edge of her dupatta.

Happy? Ammi had cried for six months after Saif married Leesa. That she was speaking to me was a miracle. But happy? Something was wrong.

“Khalu told us what you want,” Ammi said. “I don’t know why you kept it a secret.”

“Maybe because he’s . . .” Halima began. She shook her head and looked at me with a hard stare. “Nineteen,” she finished.

“Nineteen, peh,” Ammi said, waving her hands. “I was that young when I married your father.”

And she’ll sing at our wedding, I heard James promise.

A feeling came over me, heavy and cold, like I was being covered in wet cement.

“I’ve spoken to your uncle, and yes, Harun is young, but it doesn’t have to happen right away. And if it does happen quickly, he can live here until he finishes college,” Abu said.

“And your father already looked at flights. You can go as soon as the semester is over,” Ammi said. “But you will need to go straightaway to get your visa.”

“I still don’t understand why he can’t find a girl here like a normal person,” Abdullah said.

“Or why he’s in such a rush,” Halima added, staring at me.

“He wants to do it the old way,” Ammi said. She looked at me with so much pride in her eyes. “He wants to find a bride back home and bring her here like your father did me. He’s a good boy.”

Halima snorted and gave me the dirtiest of looks. “Yeah, a good boy,” she said.

“Oh, don’t listen to her,” Ammi said to me. And then she and Abu started talking about plans. It was like when they spoke Urdu. I could catch pieces of it, but not the entire gist. Dates. Brides. Visas.

My head began to understand what was happening, but not my heart. My heart had always had a hard time accepting reality.

“I know you told your cousin you wanted to do this as soon as possible,” Ammi said. “But we have to wait to decide when. Or if the wedding is to be here or there. This depends on the family and the timing.” Ammi paused to think. “And the girl.”

“How will he know which girl is right?” Abdullah asked.

“He will know,” Ammi said, smiling at Abu. “Your father met three potential brides, and I was neither the prettiest nor the richest, but he chose me. He said he knew.”

“How?” asked Abdullah.

Abu paused to scratch his beard. “It just felt right.” He looked at Ammi. “And I was right.”

I remembered the first day I met James, when I’d been lost on campus and he’d asked me where I needed to be and I’d thought: Right here is where I need to be.

I’d known. Or I’d thought I had.

Abu clasped a hand on my shoulder. “I am glad you went to your cousin,” he said. “But you could have spoken to me. You could have told me.”

It was a small window cracked open, my last chance to tell Abu the truth about me.

I knew I would not take it. I was, after all, a coward. “I wanted to surprise Ammi,” I said.

“And you did! Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me and your father,” she said.

Right here is where I need to be.

Not anymore.

The window closed. There would be no way out for me.





6





PLAN Cs



“Beta, is that you?” Abu calls as soon as Harun unlocks the door.

Harun gestures for Freya and Nathaniel to wait in the hall and goes to the kitchen, where Ammi can most often be found, but she’s not there. He walks through the kitchen into the formal living room. Abdullah and Halima are sitting at the edge of the brocade sofa while Saif and his wife share a love seat. Abu sits in his high-backed chair. Ammi is, as expected, pacing.

“You’re late” is Ammi’s greeting. “What happened? Why didn’t you call? Or answer your phone?”