I Am Watching You(54)

She sips the water but the taste in her mouth remains foul, and it is as if there is some kind of distance between her and the room around her. Difficult to explain. A disconnect. She feels a little bit dizzy, too. Maybe the retching. Her stomach.

‘Do I need to get a doctor, Sarah? You look terrible. What did the hospital say? I think I should phone Mum . . .’

‘No, Lily. They said I’m OK. My liver’s OK. I’m just a bit weak still, from too long in bed.’

‘When did you last eat?’

‘I don’t feel hungry.’

‘OK. No food. I’ll make another hot drink . . . with sugar this time.’ Lily is standing again.

‘Not yet. Please don’t leave me on my own again.’ Sarah is surprised at the pleading in her tone. The fear.

Lily must see this, too, because she tilts her head and sits down alongside Sarah, taking her hand in her own. It is meant to be reassuring, but Sarah can feel her sister’s hand trembling. ‘Oh, Sarah. Did you really mean to hurt yourself with those pills? Mum said it was an accident. That you took too many tablets for a migraine.’

‘I don’t know. You used to hurt yourself, didn’t you? Did you really mean to?’

Lily’s lip is trembling also now, and she grips Sarah’s hand as she turns to look at the TV.

‘So – what are they saying? Have they found her? It was nothing to do with Dad, then? It really was one of the men on the train?’

Sarah looks at the screen and does not know how to answer. There is a picture of Karl, and the presenter is saying he is the armed man believed to be in the flat. She does not know what to think. The shot switches back to the reporter standing in front of the police tape in Spain. Again she repeats the same stuff. Why do they do this on rolling news? Say the same stuff time and time again. Going round and round in circles.

The truth is this does not make it any better. She wants to believe Anna is alive, of course she does. But what has been happening this past year? And if they really did take her – Karl and Antony – if this has nothing whatsoever to do with her father, then it is still Sarah’s fault. She will have to tell the truth about London.

She thinks back to the four of them in that train carriage. The flirting. Catching Antony’s eye. She remembers the small tattoo at the nape of his neck. Wanting so much to touch it with her nail.

She remembers how very alive she felt. How when Karl and Antony went to fetch drinks from the buffet she said to Anna that she was glad that Tim and Paul bailed on the trip. She knew there was no way that Karl and Antony would have joined them if Tim and Paul were around, cramping their style. But most of all Sarah remembers desperately wanting Antony to like her and not Anna. She thinks again of how jealous she felt watching Anna in the spotlight in school. Everyone looking at how beautiful she was. How during that spell when Sarah quite fancied Paul, it was Anna he was always staring at, not her. Everyone seemed to have a crush on Anna back then.

And she can feel a tear on her cheek now, as she thinks again of what she did on the train that day. To make sure that Antony liked her the best.

‘I’m in big trouble, Lily.’ She does not bother to wipe the tears, watching the colour of her trousers darken with the little drips. ‘I’m not a good person.’

‘Don’t say that, Sarah. This is not your fault.’

‘Oh, but it is, Lily. Trust me, it is.’





CHAPTER 34


THE PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR

Matthew is staring at his daughter. ‘She’s smiling at me.’

‘No, she’s not. She’s doing a poo.’

‘Look.’ He twists his body so that Sal can see better. ‘That’s a smile.’

‘A poo. Trust me. Babies don’t smile for the first few weeks. So, do you want to try your first nappy change?’

‘Oh God. I don’t know.’ Matthew is shocked at the wave of fear. He has always promised to be hands-on. A modern dad. But he had no idea she would be this little.

‘Well, you’ve got to learn some time. Wait until she cries and I’ll supervise.’

‘How do you know she’s going to cry?’

His wife looks at him as if he has not been paying attention.

The intensity of the wail when it comes is still a shock. Matthew cannot understand how such small lungs can make such a loud noise.

He watches the strain on his wife’s face as she struggles out of bed to help him.

‘Still really sore?’

‘Yeah. They’ve cut back on the painkillers. Bummer.’

‘Ask for more.’

‘Nah. I’m OK. Gotta get on with it. OK, Daddy. So first you need to get absolutely everything ready.’ She points out the kit alongside the changing mat, which is on a trolley beside the cot. Clean nappy, wipes, cream, nappy sack for the debris. She chants this as if it is a military operation.

‘She tends to cry until it’s all over, so don’t worry that you’re hurting her. You’re not.’

Matthew lays his daughter on the plastic changing mat and has already forgotten the sequence, panicking as he undoes the poppers of her sleepsuit.

‘Pull it right up high or you’ll have to change that as well.’

Right. Tabs on the stinky nappy first.

‘Oh my God. Is that colour normal?’ The stench is incredible.