I Am Watching You(30)
As for karma . . .
But now my mobile is ringing – the display confirms it’s Matthew Hill. I check my watch. Ten past eight.
‘Hello, Matthew. I was going to ring you, actually. To let you know that the London DI has postponed; he’s coming round later now. Has had to stay on in Cornwall for a bit. Some development with the inquiry, he said, which I am hoping means progress.’
‘Well, I hate to disillusion you, but I’m afraid you can hold that thought. I’ve just spoken to my contact down in Cornwall and apparently the investigation is suddenly all over the place. Going right up a blind alley, from what I hear. But never mind that. Big news. I just got the call. My wife’s gone into labour. I’m on my way to collect her right now. Feels a bit surreal, actually, but I just wanted to check in to let you know I may be out of the loop for a few days.’
‘A few days?’ I laugh. ‘You may just have underestimated this, Matthew. But what lovely news. Please do let me know how it goes. Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?’
‘No. Goodness. We don’t mind . . .’
‘OK. Good luck. Drive carefully and try to calm down.’
‘I’ll be in touch.’
And then I put the phone down and find that I am stilled. Matthew Hill clearly does not have a clue what is coming, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Because once you become a parent, you learn that love can involve more fear than you had ever imagined, and you never quite look on the world in the same way again. Which is precisely why I cannot cope with my part in Anna’s disappearance.
CHAPTER 18
THE FRIEND
‘So is it OK if I bring them through, love? Just for five or ten minutes? Might cheer you up. Nurse says she can make an exception so long as we keep it short.’
Sarah looks at her mother and knows that this is not really a question. Her mother has a very specific expression when she is shaping a recommendation as a question. She leans forward slightly, doesn’t blink and then raises her eyebrows, signalling that only the correct answer will actually be heard. Namely – yes. As a young child, Sarah would rail against this tactic, but she learned long ago that resistance is futile. And she has no energy for more lectures.
‘OK. But I’m feeling tired, so not for long.’
It’s day six, and Sarah has been reassured that her liver function is improving. The consultant is looking a good deal less concerned when he pops by the bed, and nurses now say that everything is going in the right direction. The psych team are finally off her back and there is even talk of her going home soon.
Sarah is not sure how she feels about going home. She is still reeling from how quickly her emotions shift from hour to hour. How she has so swiftly moved on from fear of death to impatience with the hospital and her mother.
And the other big bogey is back – worrying what will have come out of the television appeal.
The friends troop into the room looking cowed. Sarah is now in a side room just off the general children’s ward. At seventeen, she does not qualify for an adult ward, so this provision is to make her feel less awkward. Away from the babies. The nurses have told her she is ‘lucky’ that this side room was free.
Lucky?
‘We didn’t know what to bring so we decided on sugar. Your mum won’t approve, but hey.’ Tim is holding a little carton of biscuits and a box of fudge.
Sarah decides she will punish them all for as long as possible, and refuses to look anyone in the eye.
Just last night she dreamed about them all at the farm, a birthday party Mrs Ballard threw for Tim. He must have been ten, maybe eleven. Anna’s mum had been horrified when she discovered Tim’s mother didn’t bother with parties, and made this huge fuss – a big tea and a star-shaped chocolate cake with fresh cream. Tim and Paul brought a balloon-modelling kit and learned how to make sausage dogs, swords and hats. Walking along the narrow road from the farm to get her lift home after the party, she’d had a bright yellow sausage dog tucked under her arm. She had been so happy that day and so sad it was over. She had felt her expression changing; the two boys looking at her sideways. Always hard to go home, isn’t it? She can’t remember who said it, Tim or Paul, but she remembers exactly how she felt as she nodded – sad, but sort of guilty, too. She knew it was wrong to prefer Anna’s family to her own, but she just couldn’t help it.
And now? Sarah finally looks up and glances from face to face. She wonders what on earth happened to them all. When exactly did they stop being who they were to each other back then?
Jenny looks pale, and Sarah finds herself hoping she is remembering the horrible things she said during their row. It wasn’t just the two boys who were cruel. But then a picture of Anna in the club flashes into Sarah’s mind, and she closes her eyes and leans back on her many pillows.
‘Sorry. Are you feeling all right? Do we need to get a nurse?’ Jenny’s voice.
‘I’m fine. Just tired.’
‘Right, yes. Of course. Look, we promised your mum we wouldn’t stay long but we just wanted . . .’ Jenny’s voice trails off and she suddenly sucks in air.
‘Look, we came because we wanted to say sorry. For what we said.’ It is Tim who has stepped forward.
Sarah opens her eyes and looks again from one to the other. Tim. Paul. Jenny.