House of Royale (Secret Keepers #4)(45)

You’re a goddamn idiot.

I had been kidding myself that I could stay objective to Xander. I was already in way too deep. Dammit. My heart was going to get annihilated, and I’d walked right into the disaster zone thinking I had all my protective gear on.

I had nothing.

“Are you okay?” The soft voice startled me; I let out a little shriek.

Emma chuckled, reaching out to grab my arm. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were quite that far away.”

I shook my head, letting out a small, forced laugh. “No, it’s my fault. I was thinking hard enough to hurt myself.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” Callie asked. She’d also drifted closer after finishing her turn at greeting the Royale overlords.

“Uh….” I wasn’t used to sharing secrets with girlfriends. These particular friends, though, felt more like family. Sisters.

“Actually, I could really use some advice,” I whispered, leaning in closer to them. “But it’s about Xander, so….”

As I trailed off, they both nodded, like they weren’t surprised at all. Maya joined us too, the guys remaining on the other side of the pod, talking with Tristall, Lettie, and Dawn.

“They’re discussing the warriors and plans for taking back Astoria,” Maya offered, leaning against a wall near Emma. “Chase said as soon as they sort through that, we’ll head to the sacred waters.”

Emma and Callie both whipped around on me. “Go,” Callie said, her eyes still bright from the swim through the water. “This is your chance.”

I sucked in a deep breath. “Okay, so … Xander and I … we had sex and—”

“What?” Emma shouted so loudly that silence fell over the pod, and all heads turned in our direction. I willed my face not to go red, staring at her like everyone else was.

Emma gave her head a quick shake, relaxing then and laughing. “Oh sorry,” she said, waving a hand at Lexen, who was already heading in her direction. “I didn’t realize that would be so loud. I just found out my favorite movie was at the theaters and I missed it.”

All of the Daelighters looked slightly perplexed by this, except for Lexen who just shook his head at her, his concerned expression fading into a smirk. When the overlords turned back to their discussion, the girls crowded around me again.

“Sorry,” Emma whispered in a rush. “You shocked the shit out of me with that one.”

I snort-laughed; she had made that very clear. “It’s fine,” I said, waving my hand at her. “I know it’s a surprise, especially with the way he acted when you first found me.”

“So … what happened?” Callie asked. Of the three, she looked the most concerned. I lifted one eyebrow in her direction and she let out a long breath. “I’m just worried about you, because I sense that in some ways you had an upbringing like me. Emma and Maya had loving parents, but we were very alone. And … I know how Daniel makes me feel. I’m scared you’ll do anything … accept anything from Xander, for just a small sliver of home.” She shook her head fiercely. “You deserve so much more than that. Don’t let him use you for sex.”

I sucked in a sob, and she softened her tone. “You deserve more, Ava. As your sister, I’m telling you right now that you deserve everything.”

I dropped my head and squeezed my eyes shut. Callie had known straight away what my situation was, because she was right—we were much more alike than Emma and Maya.

“Is that what happened?” Emma asked, sounding upset. “Xander is using you for sex?”

My head shot up as I shook it. “No, absolutely not. I mean, okay, yes that is pretty much our deal, but it wasn’t all Xander. I thought … I thought I would be satisfied with it as well. I’ve never been so attracted to a guy before, and I figured that this would get him out of my system.”

“I’m going to guess you’re in way deeper than you ever expected,” Maya suggested, and I sucked in another sob.

“Pretty much.”

Callie crossed her arms, her eyes shiny. “It’s okay,” I told them. “I knew what I was getting in for when I signed up. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. That the Royale part of me that doesn’t like to settle would get sick of Xander. And … maybe I still will. It is very new, you know.”

I was kidding myself, and I could tell by their expressions they also knew that. No one called me out on my bullshit though, and I loved them even more for allowing me to hold on to whatever delusion I had right now.

“I’m going to stop it,” I decided, trying to gather up my shaky resolve.

“Stop what?” Xander’s deep voice took me completely by surprise. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything. “Are you okay? You look a little … upset.”

The other guys were still talking with the overlords, which meant that Xander had crossed back on his own … because he thought I looked … upset?

“I’m fine,” I told him quietly. “It’s just been a crazy few days, you know.”

My words didn’t appease him; he turned to the others. “Do you mind if I borrow Avalon for a minute? I’d like to show her the styles of pods she can choose from. My father wants to start hers immediately.”