Here the Whole Time(61)

!!!!





The day goes by as Caio and I text. The sad feeling of having said goodbye fades a bit every time I remember that he’s literally only an elevator ride away. I feel like getting into said elevator and inviting him to go to the supermarket with me, take a walk around the square, or anything, really. Just so we can be together for a little while longer. I think this is the answer Google couldn’t provide when I asked how to tell if I was in love.

By the time night comes, I’m already tired. I woke up early to Sandra’s screams and didn’t sleep at all after that. I get ready for bed after dinner, and without Caio’s mattress on the floor anymore, my room seems huge.

I lie in bed, text Caio good night, and melt every time he sends me the kissing face emoji. It’s not the normal kiss emoji; it’s the kiss emoji with a heart.

Lying down and staring at the ceiling, I fixate on the star that glows in the dark. I think back to the first time I noticed it, the first night that Caio slept in my room.

I wish he would like me.

That was my wish to the star. I thought about wishing for him to fall in love with me, but I wasn’t sure if that would work, since I didn’t know how the wish-upon-a-glow-in-the-dark-star thing worked, or if it was anything like Aladdin’s genie, who can’t make people fall in love.

So I figured that if he at least liked me, that would be enough.

And in the end, my wish came true. I don’t know if we’ll love each other forever, like penguins do. But I know he likes me. And I like him. I always have, in fact. But it feels different now, ever since I opened up and let myself be liked back.

In the last fifteen days, I’ve learned a lot, and now it all plays out like a movie in my head. I’ve always enjoyed my alone time. Being my own company has never been a problem for me, and on the day Caio arrived, I was freaked out by the possibility of him ruining my solitary vacation.

But in all that time I spent by myself, I never really thought about the things that make me happy. I guess I’ve always been so busy trying to avoid being unhappy that I never found a way to be happy.

As I consider all of this, I feel like I’m close to uncovering some big revelation about myself—the kind of thing I’ll share in therapy that’ll make Olivia smile and be proud of me. Maybe it will even help me find out where my sudden bravery came from and solve this week’s challenge before my deadline. And then, so I don’t end up forgetting everything, I decide to write it down.

I think again about creating a blog for profound and enlightened texts in the future (I hope it will work out this time), but at the moment, the notepad on my phone is enough. My head is still a little confused, so I decide to make a list. I can organize my ideas better that way. I grab my phone and start typing.

15 things I like but didn’t know I liked until 15 days ago:

I like talking. Not texting or over the phone. I like talking and being heard. Giving my opinion and listening to others’ points of view.

I like the color red. I always thought gray and black were the only colors I could wear. But red looks good on me.

I like sleeping in pajamas. It’s way better than sleeping in old clothes, because pajamas are clothes that just stand there the whole day, waiting for you to sleep in them. Pajamas are more loyal than old clothes.

I like kids, because they can see a hero where no one else would.

I like Musical Wednesdays. (Yes, Mom, if you’re reading this, it’s true; you win.) I’ve always thought the idea was a bit silly, but honestly, how can one not like an official day of the week when you and your mother sit down to watch a movie where people sing the entire time? If I ever have kids (or kittens), we will have Musical Wednesdays forever!

I like the relief that comes with getting things all out in the open—even if it’s a swear word—and not taking bullying. It’s a hundred times better than just keeping my head down.

I like being surrounded by friends. I always thought that being in the middle of a group of people was the worst place to be, but I discovered that it feels completely different when you want to be with them.

I like coffee, even when I’m not hungover. But it needs sugar (at least three spoonfuls).

I like going to the library, because it reminds me of my grandma in a good way (and the smell of books is a bonus).

I like lying in my mom’s bed to talk, because it feels like the world goes back to being simple.

I like holding hands at the movies, because having someone’s hand to gently squeeze makes the movie more exciting. Even if it’s a never-ending and senseless fight between robot zombies and humankind.

I like it when my hand is kissed; it’s the most wonderful sensation of them all.

I like kissing. A lot. For real, kissing is really great. I want to kiss every day, if possible.

I like being touched when I feel like being touched. I’ve always treated my body like a grenade that’s about to explode, as if no one ever wanted to come close to me, and even if they did, it would be best not to touch me. But my body is not a bomb.



It takes me some time to come up with the last item on the list. I lie there and wait for it to reveal itself miraculously, but it doesn’t. What does appear is a text that surprises me.

Caio:

Meet me at the elevator.





Felipe:

Now? Have you lost your mind?