Her One Mistake(81)

I hugged my arms tightly around myself. Now that the sun had disappeared, it felt so much colder. I buried my head into my knees, biting a finger to stop my teeth from chattering.

What if the coast guard didn’t reach us? What if they hadn’t even been called? There was no way of knowing for sure. My life hung in Brian’s hands, as it always had, and as renewed fear bled through me, I knew that somehow I had to take back control. I couldn’t give up. What kind of mother would that make me?

I shuffled my legs beneath me, pulling my finger out of my mouth where my teeth had been clamping down harder than I’d realized.

I couldn’t trust Brian. If I let him keep dragging us out into the black sea he would win. I had to stop him once and for all. But did that really mean I had no other choice than the thought that had begun rooting itself in the corner of my mind?

Quietly I pushed myself off the floor and, still crouching, onto my feet. I had the upper hand, I told myself again. Brian couldn’t swim and he didn’t know I could. I repeated the words inside my head until they drowned out the part of me that knew what I was thinking was preposterous.

My heart pounded heavily as I rocked onto the balls of my feet. As soon as I stood, I would have to lunge forward and catch him off guard, but I feared my legs wouldn’t move fast enough. Even as my mind formulated my next steps, I still couldn’t believe I was capable of what I was about to do.

Taking a deep breath, I held it in my mouth, and as soon as I expelled it, I pushed up and leapt toward Brian, my hands grabbing his shirt. The boat rocked and Brian whipped around, his own hands reaching for my arms to steady himself.

“What are you—?” he began to scream, and with every bit of strength I had left, I pushed him backward toward the edge of the boat.

I knew that whatever happened, Brian would always take me with him. He’d keep his promise that he would never let me go. If he went over the side, I would too.

His eyes were bright with fear, flicking between me and the water beneath us that stretched for eternity. I filled my head with thoughts of Alice waiting for me. Brian’s would be filled with the dread of falling into the icy darkness that lay no more than an arm’s length away. I thrust forward and together Brian and I toppled over the side of the boat.

The sea was ice cold, stinging my skin the moment I hit it. With every breath, pain shot through my chest. Brian’s eyes widened as he hit the water, his arms still grappling to keep hold of me. As he opened his mouth to scream, he bobbed under the surface, his mouth filling with water before he rose back up, choking and spewing it out.

I saw the horror burn its way deeper inside him as he struggled to hold on to me. He knew he would go under again and was prepared to take me with him, but his hands shook on my arms and already I felt them loosening.

It was a bittersweet moment as my husband thrashed, his limbs flailing uselessly as I kicked my legs as strongly as I could to tread water.

Still holding on to me, when Brian submerged, he pulled me down too. I had already inhaled a deep breath but he somehow managed to tighten his grip again and his frantic kicking took us deeper.

I needed air and, as I pushed us both back up to the surface, I wondered how many times I could allow him to take me down.

The beam of a flashlight curved in the sky above us, closer than the lights from the beach. It had to be a lifeboat, and when Brian’s panicked eyes followed my gaze, searching for signs of help, it hit me how someone who might have been so prepared for us both to die looked like he wanted nothing more than to live.

I had the power, I told myself again. He had none any longer.

I looked at my husband and felt a fleeting pity for him. There were two things he’d been so scared of all his life: being left to drown and losing me. In some ways it felt like his life was coming full circle.

He didn’t deserve to die.

Did he?

The lights were getting closer. The coast guardsmen would be with us soon.

My heart raced and I looked into his eyes. Cold. Dark. I’d fallen for those eyes once, had thought them powerful and protective, but I had seen them too many times in the years since, controlling me. Making me his.

Drawing up my legs as much as I could, I drove them into him, feeling his thighs against my feet as I pushed him away. His hands slid off my arms, his eyes searching mine as his arms thrashed above his head.

Did he realize I could swim? I wondered.

As Brian sank under the surface I waited a few seconds, all the time knowing I could dive under and save him if I wanted.

The tide was slowly pushing me away from him. I counted to five but Brian didn’t reappear. Frightened, I swam forward to where the ripple of water spread in swelling circles.

The lifeboat was nearby now; its light swept across the sea and caught me in its beam.

Then finally I lay on my back and pushed myself away from Brian. They would pick me up in a moment. By then it would be hard to tell where my husband was.





HARRIET


Where’s your husband?” The coast guardsmen were understandably frantic that they couldn’t see any sign of him. I gestured vaguely into the water. I was struggling to breathe, the icy coldness had hit me hard and pain was spreading rapidly through my body.

“Over—” I tried, but it was hard getting the words out. The moment I’d been pulled out my body went into shock. I closed my eyes until their voices hovered above me in jumbled whispers. Adrenaline coursed through me, but just for a moment I wanted to blank everything out.