Her One Mistake(61)
“Mum was fine,” I said, and for the first time I realized I had been suffocated by someone my whole life. “She was who she was and I loved her for it.”
“She loved you very much too. More than anything else in her world, so there was no doubt in my mind you’d be fine after I left, that you’d be better off with her. I never considered taking that away from her.”
“But surely you didn’t need to make that choice?” I said sharply. “You didn’t need to get out of my life completely.”
“I could have fought,” he said solemnly. “It would have been a fight, though. I’d met someone else, you see. Marilyn. She was this light. She saved me from—” He paused. “Well, from many things, really.”
“So you chose Marilyn over me?”
“It wasn’t like that. Your mum knew about Marilyn and made it very clear that if I didn’t leave her I wasn’t welcome in your life. I begged her, pleaded that she didn’t need to stop me seeing you, but there was no changing her mind. If I’d stayed, it would have ended me, Harriet. Like I told you, I was already drinking too heavily and it was only with Marilyn’s help I finally stopped.
“I tried to visit,” he went on. “But she wouldn’t even let me in the door. It was the seventies, there weren’t support groups for dads back then. Then a week or so later I found out she’d told everyone I’d died. I didn’t come back after that. Part of me thought it would be for the best.” Les shook his head. “I didn’t want to make things harder for you with people wondering why your mother had lied to them. I’m sorry, Harriet. If I could turn back time—”
“Then you probably wouldn’t do anything differently,” I said. “Are you and Marilyn still together?”
“She died six months ago but yes, we were.” His eyes watered and I found myself reaching across the table and taking hold of his hand, feeling his rough fingers curling around my own. It may not be how I would have done it, but could I honestly blame him for needing to get away?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“So how was it after I left?” he asked.
“Well, I wish Mum wouldn’t have hovered over me as much as she did, but I never lacked love. Why have you come looking for me now?”
“It was something I’d talked about for a long time. Marilyn kept prodding me to do it. She was the one who told me to try Facebook, but I never had the nerve. Then she passed away and now everything in life looks different. I’m an old man with no one left. I don’t deserve to have you back in my life, but I wanted the chance to see you again. And your little girl, of course.”
“Alice.”
“That’s a pretty name. How old is she?”
“She just turned four.”
My father nodded. “I promised myself that whatever you wanted from me, I would do it. If you tell me to get lost, I’ll go.” He gave me a sad smile. “I just had to know for sure. I don’t want any more regrets.” He looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t answer.
Eventually he pushed away from the table and told me he should probably be going. I didn’t stop him because I didn’t want to risk Brian coming home to find my father in our kitchen. But when my dad asked if he could see me again and spend some time with Alice, I agreed because I had nothing to lose. I wanted to find out more about him and I liked that he wanted to get to know us. And whether I liked it or not, there were similarities between us.
We arranged to meet the following week in a café in Bridport and I led him to my front door and said, “My husband thinks you’re dead.”
“Oh?” He looked shocked. “You told him that?”
I nodded. “I told everyone that,” I said. “And I don’t think I should tell him otherwise for now.” He looked at me quizzically but I didn’t explain. “It’s better we keep this between us,” I said. “I’d rather no one else know you’re here.”
“Apart from my cousin.” He gave a small smile.
“Oh, right.” I’d forgotten he’d mentioned a cousin.
“But you don’t need to worry about him. He’s practically a hermit,” my father said.
“Well, please don’t mention any more to him.”
“Of course, if that’s what you want.” He smiled. “But you may be surprised. If you tell your husband about me, you might find he’s a lot more understanding than you’re giving him credit for.”
I shook my head. Brian would not be understanding in the slightest.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Brian grabbed two towels from the linen closet and ordered me to take off my clothes, yelling that Alice and I were both soaked and demanding to know what was going through my head.
I wrapped my arms tighter around the damp shirt that clung to my body. I hadn’t expected the clouds to open. I hadn’t taken umbrellas and our raincoats were packed at the bottom of the suitcase.
His mouth was close against my ear as he told me I was inches from the edge of the train platform when he found me. I turned my head away as he peeled my arms apart and shoved a towel against my chest.
A sob lodged in the back of my throat. I didn’t want to get undressed while he was there. I didn’t like the way he was watching me, waiting for me to take my clothes off.