Heart-Shaped Hack(70)
“I was walking by and thought I’d stop in and see if you were okay. I ran into Paige and she told me you were dating that guy who crashed into the river, except she said his last name was Smith and I don’t really understand that. Anyway, I wanted to tell you I was sorry about what happened to him. If you ever want to get together, for a drink or dinner or whatever, just let me know, okay?”
“Thanks, Stuart. That’s really nice of you.”
Kate had wanted excitement. She had wanted an adventure.
But maybe safe was better.
Maybe safe wasn’t so boring after all.
He’d almost reached the door when Kate spoke. “Stuart? Maybe I’ll give you a call sometime.”
He smiled and said, “I would really like that.”
Kate went for a walk after she locked up the food pantry. She’d been doing that a lot lately because her apartment seemed too quiet and empty now that it was just her again. She set off toward the pedestrian walkway of the Stone Arch Bridge that spanned the Mississippi River below the St. Anthony Falls.
Once she reached the bridge, she pulled out her phone and listened to Ian’s voice mail message. “Hey, sweetness. Just left my place. I’ve been thinking about you all day. Be there soon. Love you.”
She knew that listening to his message so often wasn’t healthy.
She knew it was preventing her from starting the healing process.
She thought she might be losing her mind because of her attachment to it, and that scared her a little.
Instead of playing the message again, she chose the only contact in the phone and dialed. The call went to voice mail as she knew it would. His cell was either resting at the bottom of the river or had been carried downstream. Even if it had stayed in his pocket, it would have been damaged beyond repair, the corrosion starting immediately upon the phone making contact with the water.
Kate listened to the generic outgoing message that had come with the phone and began to speak after the beep. “Today is your birthday, and I’m having a really hard time. I miss you, Ian. I loved you so much, and I don’t know what to do. I listen to your voice mail message every day, multiple times. I listen to it at night when I’m lying in bed, and I cry because you’re not there. I found a note you left me, and I keep it in my pocket and I can’t stop touching it.”
She was crying hard, wedging the words in and around her sobs. A man walking his dog gave her a concerned look, but she ignored him.
“You were supposed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m so mad at you for taking that car out. I will never get over the loss of you, and all I have are the things you left behind. Sometimes I wear your clothes, and I know that’s weird, but they smell like you and when I’m wearing them I feel close to you. I will never love anyone the way I loved you, and I will never stop loving you. My heart hurts so much and I’m trying to be strong, but it’s so hard. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and it’s not fair that I didn’t get more time with you.”
A beep sounded in her ear when she ran out of time and the recording cut her off. She rested her head on the railing of the bridge, her shoulders shaking as she cried.
When she was all cried out, she looked up and hesitated only for a moment before heaving the phone into the Mississippi River.
That night, Kate reached into the cupboard for one of the glasses she’d given Ian for Christmas. She filled it halfway with bourbon and sat in the chair by the window where she had waited for Ian to come home. But he would never come home again no matter how long she sat there.
She took a drink and winced at the taste. She would never truly be a whiskey girl, but since Ian wasn’t there to celebrate his birthday she’d decided she’d drink it for him. The second mouthful went down a little easier, and the alcohol warmed her, which she welcomed because she felt cold all the time.
When the glass was empty, she poured another. Her tears flowed freely because at home she didn’t have to hide them or pretend everything was okay. She drank and she cried, and her longing for him was as bottomless as her glass.
Earlier that day, shortly after Stuart left, Samantha had come into the food pantry alone. She’d pulled Kate aside and whispered, “I got some money. This is the second time it’s happened. The bank traced it to one of those charitable websites where you can ask for help and people can donate anonymously. But I never went to that website, and I never asked for help. I spent it because I needed it so badly. Do you think it’s okay to spend this one too?”
Kate had scared Samantha when she’d grabbed her hands and started crying.
“What is it?” Samantha had asked. “What’s wrong, Kate?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I’m just so happy for you. You should definitely spend the money.”
“If you think it’s okay, then I will.”
Kate finished the second glass of bourbon, head spinning and tears rolling down her face. She didn’t know why some people could have everything and others had to struggle and fight. Why some people lived to one hundred but others would not see thirty-three.
The only thing she knew for sure was that Ian had not been granted enough time on this earth, and she’d give anything to have him back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Ian had been dead for thirty-one days when Kate received the message. She’d been walking home from work in the pouring rain, umbrella turned inside out from the gusty wind that had accompanied the downpour, when her phone sounded an alert to let her know she’d received a new e-mail. She forgot all about it until she went to call her mother an hour later and couldn’t find her phone. After finally tracking it down in the front pocket of the soaked jeans she’d removed immediately upon her arrival at home, she remembered the alert. When she hung up with Diane, she scrolled through the unread e-mails. A message from the dating site she no longer used caught her eye.