Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(2)

1



LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES


A woman’s perfect ivory hand spread a sheet of cream-colored parchment across a desk of polished mahogany. Dipping a peacock-quill pen into a jar of black ink, she began to scratch flawless script across the page.



Beautiful Princess…





Her words took shape in a luxurious sitting room awash in the light of a thousand candles. One could not imagine a more ideal habitat for the most perfect woman in the world.

And there she sat, at a table facing an open balcony, her golden hair and silken gown cascading around her in perfect waves. Her name was Princess Luscious. She was eighteen years old, and she shone like a perfectly radiant sun.

When she finished writing, she lifted the page to her perfect red lips so she might blow on the ink with her perfect breath to ensure it was perfectly dry.

“Perfect,” she said with a perfect white smile.

She settled the page back down on the table, but something unexpectedly rustled beneath it.

A whiskered nose popped into view.

“Oh my,” Princess Luscious said.

Squeaker the Mouse crawled from beneath the parchment and dusted himself off. He wore a miniature blue jacket and a floppy little hat. Giving a tiny bow, he snatched the hat from his head, swept a bouquet of clover from behind his back, and looked up at Princess Luscious with pure love in his eyes.

The princess stared at her admirer for a moment, and then she screamed.

This was not perfect. This was not perfect at all!

She hurled herself away from the table. Whirling into her bedchamber, she stumbled through ten more mice scattered about the floor, all of them wearing little jackets and dresses and boots and caps. They frolicked about her feet and seemed to be singing and dancing.

Princess Luscious leaped onto her magnificent four-poster bed while the infestation of mice continued to caper on the floor.

“Laura! Laura, get in here! Laura!” Princess Luscious squealed.

As the princess cowered on the bed, pulling her satin sheets around her to armor herself against the rodents’ music, several cheerful sparrows swooped in from the balcony to add to the horror. They crisscrossed above her, draping streamers of ivy upon the frantic girl.

“Get away! Get away! Shoo! Lauraaaa!”

The bedroom’s heavy oaken doors groaned inward, allowing an eighteen-year-old force of nature to streak inside. Laura the Handmaiden had thick dark hair, brown eyes, and, some would say, too many opinions. If any person could be described as “extra-crunchy granola” that would certainly be Laura. The girl was all-natural with more than a few rough edges that often proved hard to swallow.

“All right, all right! I heard you the first time you screamed. What is it this—” Laura saw the mice. “Oh no. Not again.”

Without batting an eye, Laura grabbed a vase and started scooping the tiny creatures into it.

“Get down, Luscious,” she said as she chased down a pair of the waltzing rodents. “They’re not going to hurt you. They’re just mice.” She held one up. “And see, they’re wearing cute little suits.”

“They’re filthy, savage beasts!” Princess Luscious cried. “There’s another one. Get it!”

“It’s not really their fault, you know,” Laura said with a sigh.

Princess Luscious checked the floor and carefully crawled down the far side of the bed, keeping it positioned between her and the mouse-filled vase. “I don’t care! Just because animals can’t resist my innocent beauty, that’s no excuse for them to keep stalking me.”

“Fine,” Laura said.

She plunked the last mouse into the vase then gave a twittering whistle. The sparrows swooped down and landed on her shoulders with a confused chorus of chirps.

“Will there be anything else?” Laura asked, rolling her eyes wearily.

Princess Luscious cautiously checked every corner of the room. When she was certain nothing with a tail lurked anywhere, she gave Laura a girlish smile. “As a matter of fact…” She crossed to the table and whisked up the parchment. “I want you to mail this for me.”

“What is it?” Laura asked.

Princess Luscious could barely contain her glee as Laura read the message.



Beautiful Princess seeks Evil Wizard.



I tire of waiting for my Prince Charming,



so come kidnap me if you think you’re wicked enough — I dare you!



P.S. NO Shadow Wizards considered!





Not surprisingly, Laura was stunned. “You’re not serious.”

“Absolutely,” Princess Luscious said. “I can’t stand Shadow Wizards.”

“Not that!” Laura snapped. “You’re advertising for an evil wizard to kidnap you?!”

“Why not?” Princess Luscious said with a pout. “You know I can’t date until a Prince Charming rescues me, but it could be ages before I’m finally in distress! I’m eighteen. I have needs right now.”

Laura shook her head. “This is crazy.”

Princess Luscious wheeled toward the balcony. “I should think you’d be pleased.”

Before Laura could protest, she noticed something very small and very furry scaling the back of Princess Luscious’ gown. Squeaker the Mouse, still desperately clutching his bouquet of clover, slowly ascended the silken mountain on his way to proclaim his love upon the peak.