Gods & Monsters(90)

She’d call me a weirdo but I don’t care. I’m not afraid to show how I feel. How she makes me feel. Crazy, out of control, obsessed.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I love her a little too much. Maybe I smother her with my love, with my obsession.

We need to find out who we are without each other. Because if we don’t know that, then how can we ever love each other?

Does it mean that she doesn’t love me? Or at least doesn’t love me as much as I love her? Because if she does, then how can she take this? How can she take being away from me? Doesn’t it torture her? Doesn’t every breath she takes scrape against her throat? Though there isn’t any other choice but to breathe.

Sitting here on the dirty mattress, the mattress where I’ve loved her, fucked her, worshipped her a million times, I wonder if she thinks about me. If she wonders what I’m doing. How I’m living without her. Where do I sleep? Do I sleep?

I guess she knows the answer to that, doesn’t she?

I’m trying to look for clues in her journal, trying to see if I can find something that will lead me to her. So far, all the entries are about me. It makes me weirdly happy and satisfied.

It’s from her senior year, the year when we could hardly see each other because of what went down with me and Duke two years ago.

At church today, Abel looked mad. He wouldn’t look at me for the longest time because my mom thrust the prom date with Duke on my head. Gah. I hate Duke Knight so much, and I love Abel Adams so much.

I saw him in town today. We smiled at each other from across the street but then I saw my mom walking out of the deli and I had to turn away. Though I saw him clenching his teeth. Gosh, I want to hug him and tell him it’s going to be okay.

Sometimes I feel like he might break up with me, you know. It’s so hard to be in this relationship. My mom’s a hawk, man. She won’t let me do anything.

I’ve noticed that we fight a lot these days. I know he’s angry but please God, let him hold on a bit longer.

I hear Pixie’s voice in my head: You’re so angry, Abel. You’re so mad at them.

Isn’t that obvious? Of course, I’m mad. Look at what they made us go through. Even now, just reading these bits makes my blood boil.

After Pixie’s phone call, I dreamed of my parents, a conversation I overheard that changed my life. I haven’t been to their graves or to my neighborhood since we got here. I don’t think I can deal.

“Lia, you’ve gotta stop, okay?”

“But what if it’s true, huh? What if it comes true this time?”

“It’s not going to come true. Look at Abel. He’s fine. He’s the best kid we know.”

“I know. He’s perfect so we need to stop while we’re ahead. Father Knight said that children like these, children of closely related parents come out wrong. I-I can’t condemn my baby to that. I can’t… It’s too hard. We need to get rid of it. We can’t tempt fate.”

“Lia, baby. Listen to me, we’re here. In this city, okay? We’re out of there. Forget what they said. Forget everything. We don’t have to be scared anymore. We don’t have to run.”

They were talking about a baby, weren’t they? My mom must’ve been pregnant. I don’t have a sibling so I assume they got rid of it. At the time, I was only concerned with who Father Knight was and what the hell did closely-related parents mean.

That night I found out the reason why my parents weren’t married. I found out what their real names were: David and Delilah. I knew them as Lia and Daniel. They changed their names when they moved here because they had been afraid.

They were running.

Am I doing the same thing? Am I running? And if I am, how the fuck do I stop?





“Abel, get the fuck up, asshole.”

That’s Ethan. He’s kicking me in the ass. Literally.

“What the fuck do you want?” I grumble and turn to lie on my back. Fuck, the sun’s too strong.

“I want you to get up and go to work.” He looks around, grimacing. “And clean this place up. It fucking stinks. Did you throw up in here?”

My head hurts, throbs as I sit up. Pixie’s photos and her journal, her clothes, everything is strewn about the room. She’s gonna be mad when she sees it.

She’s not here, remember? So, I get to play and be a slob.

I laugh at my own joke. Jesus, I’ll clean up every single day of my life if she decides to come back.

“Awesome. Now you’ve gone completely fucking crazy. Laughing at nothing.” I flip him the bird and he laughs, clapping his hands. “We’ve got a shoot. Let’s go.”

“I’m not going.”

“What?”

“I quit. Don’t wanna go there.”

“Why not? You love that shit.”

“It’s not fun without Pixie.” I scrub a hand down my face and sit up. This place does smell like puke. “Besides, it’s boring.”

“Porn’s boring,” Ethan almost gasps.

It surprises me too. I wasn’t going to say it but it came out. It’s true, though. It’s boring. There’s no challenge. All I do is click random snaps over and over, without any control.

I spent a lot of my time glued to my computer back in that town, back when I couldn’t be where I wanted to be: with Pixie. I imagined a lot as well, watching couples on screen. I’m not proud of it and neither am I ashamed. It was something I did, like a million other people.