Girl Unknown(64)

She put her glass on the wooden ledge with a sudden angry clink. ‘Could you please stop?’ she said, in a loud whisper. ‘I know you’re upset about this, but it’s all you’ve talked about for the past two days and now I’m the one who’s sick of it!’

The force in her voice silenced me, and for the next few minutes, we stood glancing about at the other audience members, sipping our drinks. When the bell finally rang to signal the end of the interval, it was a huge relief. We could escape each other’s company and return to our seats.

The Arts building was quiet at that time of year, the swell of students on campus having fallen after lectures ended. The libraries were still busy, but a kind of hush had descended as exams began. I spent a good deal of time in my office, gathering together the papers I had published in the previous twelve months to read them before my interview, which had been scheduled for the following week. On that particular day, I was reading through the latest minutes of a student-staff consultative committee when the phone in my office rang. I picked it up and heard Chris at the other end of the line.

‘I’m not going to apologize.’ The first words out of his mouth, which might have been defensive and provocative, but he said them with a kind of casual serenity.

‘No one’s asked you to,’ I said evenly, putting aside my papers and swivelling my chair so that I faced the window.

‘I know you’re upset.’

‘You can’t know what I’m thinking or how I feel, so don’t pretend to, please.’

‘I know it’s not ideal.’

‘She’s my daughter, Chris.’

‘It’s not something I planned –’

‘I’m not even going to get into the age-difference thing,’ I said, ‘because I think you know already how wrong it is. I mean, she’s a teenager, for Christ’s sake –’

‘She’s a grown-up, David.’

‘Only barely!’

‘You don’t give her enough credit. She’s very mature and knows her own mind.’

‘It’s you I’m not giving credit to. What the hell are you thinking?’

‘That I’m in love with her.’

I leaned forward in my chair, as if I’d been punched in the stomach. Through the window, I could see a couple below in the courtyard. She was sitting on his knee playing with his hair. They were only kids. Love at that age – it retained a sort of innocence. But not this. Not what he was suggesting. ‘This isn’t love, Chris. It’s a midlife crisis.’

‘It’s love,’ he insisted.

‘Answer me this,’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to hear it from Caroline that not only were you dating my daughter but that you two have moved in together? We’ve known each other for twenty-six years, Chris. I would have thought the least you owed me was the decency to tell me to my face.’

‘You’re right,’ he said, trying to sound reasonable and accommodating. ‘I should have told you sooner.’

‘So why didn’t you?’

A pause, as if he was trying to find the words. ‘This might sound crazy, but I was afraid that if I talked about it, the spell would be broken. The magic gone.’

I couldn’t believe it. The guy was talking like he was in a Disney movie.

‘From the start, I knew she was special. That first evening, the way we talked, the way we seemed to connect, not just on a sexual level but –’

‘No,’ I said, cutting him off. ‘I can’t go there, I just can’t.’

‘Okay, fine. I understand that. But the connection we have, the bond, it’s so much deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Even with Susannah –’

‘Does she know about this?’ I cut in. ‘Susannah? Have you told her?’

‘Not yet.’

‘Have you thought about how hurt she’ll be?’

‘Susannah has it in for me,’ he said, sounding aggrieved.

‘She’s going to hit the roof when she finds out,’ I went on.

‘You know what, David?’ he snapped, his tone changing. ‘Since Susannah and I split up, I’ve hardly heard from you. Barely a phone call to see if I’m okay. I could have been at home busily killing myself or losing myself in a bottle, and you’d have had no idea.’

I shifted in my chair, the truth of what he was saying making me uncomfortable.

‘Zo? has been the one person to take an interest in my emotional wellbeing since this whole break-up happened. Not you, not Caroline. You ask me why I didn’t tell you earlier? Maybe if you’d been more interested in how I was, I might have confided in you.’

‘You’re right,’ I conceded. ‘I should have been there for you, and I’m sorry. But I still don’t think that’s a good enough reason to seduce my daughter.’

‘I wish she wasn’t your daughter, but the way we’ve connected, it feels real. It’s not some immature infatuation or midlife crisis. It feels like this is something …’ he struggled to find the right word ‘… inevitable.’

I hated him then. He seemed so sure of himself. Here he was, one of my oldest friends, trying to conduct a conversation with me in reasonable tones and all the while he’d been sharing his bed with my daughter. My daughter fuelling his blood with desire. My daughter satisfying his flesh. It was too much. I told him I had a meeting, then hung up, dropping the receiver on to its cradle.