Girl Crush(57)



“Look, Collier. I don’t know when it happened or how, but somewhere along the way, you let me in. We got to know each other without anything between us because you thought I wasn’t available, and it was safe. But in the process of growing our friendship, something shifted inside me. Every once in a while, I’d catch you looking at me like you longed for me, and I fought the urge to return the gaze. Or your sister would comment about my being the best thing that had happened to you, as though she knew you were into me, too. And then you took me driving and didn’t bitch at me for having to wait while I got dressed or my house being a mess. You never judged me or told me I was broken. You didn’t care that I was into cars and loved to paint my nails. You were just you. And somewhere along the way, I fell.”

“You fell?”

“Yes. I did. Hard. And Friday night, I’d had too much to drink, and you were there like you always are. When I turned around, I swear I thought I saw the emotion I felt written all over your face. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was impulsive and reckless, and I just hope it didn’t cost me our friendship.”

He totally glossed over my heartfelt confession, even if it wasn’t poetry. “So you’ve lied to me since the day we met? You allowed me to believe things about you that weren’t true? You saw glimpses of how you thought I felt, and it never occurred to you to come talk to me? To tell me the truth? You paraded around in front of my friends half-dressed, and hung out with us like you were one of the guys, and every bit of it was deceptive.”

“Jesus, Collier. Put yourself in my shoes. How was I supposed to do that? Just waltz in your door and lay it on you? Or would it have been better if I’d tried to seduce you when I was in your home? Or maybe I could have spread my legs for your friends so you could see I dig cock. Please, tell me how I could have approached this better. Because I’ve racked my brain for months trying to find an answer.”

“Months? You’ve had feelings for me for months and didn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t tell anyone. What difference does it make, Collier? Clearly, I misread the signs. I’ve gotten more of a response from my grandmother when I kissed her than I did from you at Bar None.”

“Whoa, you can’t blame this on me. Regardless of my feelings, there was no way I would have shared those with you believing you were into women. Get real. That was on you. And my lack of response was out of shock, not how I felt. Then you took off and refused to talk. I’ve spent the better part of the last week chasing you down when, in fact, you should have been chasing me.”

“I don’t chase men, West. I’m not going to. Never again. I’m done with that. Either someone wants to be with me, or they don’t.”

“Hard for a man to make that decision when he doesn’t know who you are, Giselle.”

He stood from the steps, and the air around us was thick with tension. I wanted to plead with him to give me something to go on, to confess his feelings, kiss me—anything other than leave. But I didn’t know what else to say. I’d laid it out there, and once again, he’d pushed me away. He dug his keys from his pocket, and the alarm sounded on the Porsche sitting in my driveway. The beep shattered my heart.

When he started to walk off, I got up to follow. I grabbed his hand to get him to stop. “Where are you going? Is that it? You’re done talking?”

“I need some time to think, Giselle. Everything I thought I knew about you was a lie. I don’t have a clue how to process that.”

“You know exactly who I am. I’m the same person you had Chinese takeout with; I’m the girl who hung out and watched football with you. I’m the girl you talked to after I had a bad date and the one who calmed you down when you fought with your sister. I’m still the same Giselle you took driving and to the car show. You know more about me than just about anyone in my life, and certainly every man because I never had to be anything I wasn’t—there were no barriers. You allowed me to be me without expectation. I’m still the same person, Collier.”

He pulled his hand from mine and snatched his door open in a huff. “I wish I believed that.”

And just like that, he was gone. I stared at the brake lights on the back of his car while he drove away. When the first tear slipped down my cheek, I wiped it off and cursed myself for all the shit I’d pulled in the last few months. I’d do anything to take it back and not have him hurt. But I couldn’t reverse time, and I couldn’t make him understand. And even if I were able to change the past, if I did, I never would have met him to begin with. All that left me with was the hope that he’d come around.





13





Two days passed without contact from Collier. I finally came clean with my friends, and in turn, they’d all rallied around me, offering their support. Beck tried to talk to her brother but hadn’t gotten anywhere and told me just to give him some time. I resigned myself to whatever happened, but I couldn’t stop thinking of him. Something happened after I finally admitted to West how deep my feelings ran. Everything I’d been pushing away in an attempt to deny any attraction to him was now front and center—with my friends, Collier, and in my mind.

Work left me wanting to knock my head against a wall. The hours alone turned into mind-numbing internal browbeatings. I second-guessed every interaction I had with Collier since the day we’d met, trying to determine when and where I could have worked a confession into the situation. No matter how much I had thought about it, I couldn’t come up with an answer. From the first time I’d met him, to the times he’d been there with me crying, and everything in between, West and I just…were. I was comfortable in his presence, and for once, I hadn’t felt the need to share my past or bare my soul. He accepted me as I was, flaws and all, and even in my sordid mess of sexual confusion, he just enjoyed being around me, and me him. There was never a time I wanted to give that up. I realized now that was selfish, but it seemed to work for both of us then.

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