Gentleman Nine(31)
“Do you believe that you can actually attract something by focusing on it?”
I rubbed my chin and thought about it for a moment. “No way to know for sure. That’s a mystery of life. But now that I’m more consciously aware of that possibility, I’ll let you know if I experience it happening to me.”
She sighed. “I love the concept of the book, but honestly, I’ve found it hard to implement. Even trying hard to block something out of your mind is still inadvertently focusing on it. It’s scary to me to think that if I’m lamenting over Rory, or telling myself that I’ll never find anyone else…that I could be attracting that exact situation.”
“Okay, so, just in case that’s true…try to think about something you really want and practice focusing on that instead.”
She looked at me in silence then asked, “What if what you want is something you can never have?”
“Well, that’s what you’re telling yourself. That may not be true. Maybe you should try to think more positively.”
Was she referring to me, or was that just my ego?
Either way, my advice would have been the same, but now I was left feeling rattled and wondering what was really going on in her pretty, little head.
Today was probably one of the most confusing days of my life. There was no doubt I still had feelings for Emily. It was so good to see her, and I was immediately reminded of all of the reasons I fell for her in the first place. She seemed genuinely sorry about the way things had ended between us and made it clear that she wanted a second chance.
When she’d asked me to go back to her place, I almost budged. But I knew what going there would have meant. It seemed like forever since I’d been inside of a woman. I hadn’t slept with anyone since before moving to Boston. This was the longest I’d gone without sex since I was a teenager, and truthfully I was nearing my breaking point. But I somehow resisted, deciding instead not to take advantage of the offer.
While a part of me suspected that it wasn’t exactly the end of the story for Emily and me, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Amber had been on my mind the entire day. When she appeared at the Common, something shifted. Things were awkward in a way that was different from just running into your friend.
Emily sensed it, too. She asked me if there was anything going on between Amber and me. I told her the truth: Amber and I were just friends.
So, why did it not seem as simple as that answer?
***
Emily and I decided to have dinner in Chinatown.
Looking around at the bamboo-style wooden décor and waterfalls at the restaurant, I dragged my fork over the Singapore noodles.
As I gazed out at a window across the street that was dressed with ducks laying upside down in a row, Emily interrupted my thoughts.
“You seem like something’s on your mind.”
“Just thinking about work.”
“Has it been busy?”
“Yeah. I have limited time here to get what I need to get done, so there’s a lot of pressure.”
Of course, work wasn’t really the subject of my obsessive thoughts tonight. I still didn’t know what I was going to do about Saturday. The truth was, I was seriously considering just letting the Gentleman Nine thing blow away. Maybe I’d send Amber a message from the G9 email account cancelling tomorrow night, or maybe I could just not show up at all. I honestly had no idea how to handle it. And now with Emily in the picture, things were even more complicated.
Emily leaned in and threaded her fingers through mine. “Can we go back to my place? I can make you forget all about it for a while.”
Sex with Emily had been the best of my life. I felt like I needed to go. I needed to figure out where my feelings for her stood, and one way to do that would be to bury myself inside of her, to see if that amazing sexual chemistry we had before still existed.
It had been too long for me. And focusing my sexual energy on someone other than Amber was probably a good idea at this point in time.
I forced the words out. “Sure. Let’s go to your place.”
***
Once back at Emily’s apartment in Waltham, she didn’t waste time setting up a romantic atmosphere. The shades were drawn, and the lights were dimmed. She played Coltrane and poured me some of my favorite gin, which she’d bought likely knowing I would end up back here.
“I just want to put something out there…” she said.
I threw back the liquor. “Alright.” It burned the back of my throat.
“If we decide to give this another try, I would be open to moving to Chicago. I know in the past, I said I was tied to this area, but I feel like a new start could be really good for me. I know we’re not there yet, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that—that I would be willing to move for you.”
No, we definitely aren’t there yet.
“Noted,” I simply said.
At one point, she left me in the living room while she ventured into her room. I looked around aimlessly, my eyes landing on her bookshelves then wandering over to a sculpture of an elephant in the corner.
She returned to the living room before taking my hand to follow her back into the bedroom.
Why am I nervous?
This was by no means my first rodeo—far from it.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Candles that she’d lit flickered around us. She lifted off her dress to reveal a red, lace bra and matching panties. Red was always her color, accentuating her long, dark hair. My dick twitched as I took in the sight of her body.