Forgive Me(31)

Buggy came over after the photo shoot. He had on that stupid hat of his. Stupid jeans. Stupid bowling shirt. He had that cruel look in his eyes and reeked of cigarette smoke and marijuana. Booze, too. It was dark out when he showed up. I don’t know what time exactly. He and Ricardo smoked a blunt in the kitchen. Ricardo showed him the pictures and Buggy wasn’t impressed. He said I looked like a high school kid. Ricardo said for a high school girl I was broken in good and he laughed. Buggy said he’d break me in even more and then they both laughed. They talked about me like I wasn’t there. Ricardo said to Buggy that he should kiss me because I was a really good kisser. Buggy came over like it was going to happen and I pushed him away. He looked at Ricardo like something was wrong. Ricardo told me not to embarrass him. Buggy went to grab me and I pushed him away even harder this time. I saw fire in Ricardo’s eyes. He said, puta, you better use that tongue of yours and treat my buddy Buggy right. I ran into my room and closed the door. Buggy said something I won’t even write here. I heard Ricardo and Buggy talking about me, Ricardo apologizing to Buggy for my behavior. I looked out the window. The apartment wasn’t that high up. I tried to open the window and that’s the first time I realized it was nailed shut.





Here’s what happened, how it happened, as it happened. Obviously, I’m still alive. I’m still here. But I keep reliving the moment everything changed over and over again in my mind. I have to do something to help me process it all, so I’m recording it here best as I remember, as if I could somehow write it all down while I was fighting for my life.

Ricardo knocks on the door and won’t stop knocking. I won’t open it for him. He bangs on the door with his fists. I’m on my bed hugging myself, scared out of my mind, really freaking out. Ricardo is pounding away, telling me open the door, calling me puta—a whore. He says if I don’t open this door this minute, he’ll kick it in and then he’ll use his belt and whip me like a mule. So I get up from the bed and open the door. My whole body is shaking.

Ricardo doesn’t hit me though. He wants to know why I didn’t kiss Buggy like he asked me too. He reeks of weed and his eyes are red as rubies. He asks me again about Buggy. I say because he’s gross and that it’s gross. He grabs my shoulders and squeezes them hard enough to make it hurt. I ask him why the windows are nailed shut. He says because this is a bad neighborhood. I tell him I want to leave and he says go ahead and leave. He steps away and makes a path for me to the door. I take a few steps. To my back he says out there I’ll be mugged and raped in a matter of minutes. I hear the sirens at night, the occasional gunshots and I don’t think he’s lying, but I still take another step. Then he says if I walk out the door, he’ll make a call that’ll guarantee I’ll get attacked. Guarantee it. I ask what he wants from me. Good pictures, he says. We want to make you a Macan star. Just like Mandy? I ask.

He comes at me fast and slaps me across the face. I drop to the floor. He says I better shut my mouth. He tells me not to talk back to him. He’s older. He has more experience in his little finger than I have in my whole body. I’m too negative, he says. That’s why the pictures aren’t coming out. He’s got these eyes that fire up when he’s angry, redder than the bloodshot eyes of a guy high on weed, and it really scares me. He pulls me up by my shirt and gets right in my face and then without warning he just throws me to the ground. I hit the floor so hard I can’t breathe. I open my mouth, but I can’t get any air down. Then he climbs on top of me and puts his knees on my chest and pins me to the floor under his weight. There’s no rug underneath me and it feels like my ribs are going to snap. I swear they are going to break in half. He puts his hands on my throat and starts to squeeze. I don’t understand what’s happening at first. I can’t even explain it. It’s like my body wouldn’t work. I just went still. He keeps saying, you better be scared of me little girl. I’ll f’ng kill you if you f with me. I’ll rip your f’ing head right off. I’ll go find your mama in her fancy ass house and I’ll rape her and then I’ll stick this knife in her throat and laugh as she bleeds to death. You want that? Do you? You think your wallet is missing? I took it you little bitch. I know where you live girlfriend, he says. I got your home address. He pulls out a knife and he puts it to my throat. It’s a big blade, like you could cut a tree with it. Where did it come from? It’s like he had it with him the whole time and I just didn’t see it. He doesn’t press down with the blade or anything, but he holds the knife to my throat for a long time. I can’t stop shaking, can hardly breathe. You don’t ever talk back to me, he says. You got that? You don’t ask about what I do and who I do it with. I wanna screw Mandy I’m gonna do it. Maybe I’ll do it and make you watch. He says that and laughs. You got that little girl? Of course I do, I finally say. At this point, I’m almost hyperventilating, but I’m thinking about my mom. I swear he’s not lying about my wallet or what he’d do to her if I walked out. I have to keep it together. Ricardo gets off me and puts the knife away.

He leaves for a while. I’m broken, I’m weeping, I’m so alone, so lost, so confused, in my room (this room, not my room, this room) thinking about what I’m going to write in my journal. Ricardo comes back and sits down on the futon. He apologizes. He tells me he hates when people tell him no. He can’t handle it. He blames it all on the weed. He was high out of his mind when he told Buggy to kiss me, when he attacked me. He says he lied about taking my wallet, but he doesn’t take back what he said he would do to my mom. I’m so confused because he says he loves me. Why would he want to hurt me? He pulls me in close and hugs me. At first I resist, but he’s so upset with himself that I let him hold me. He strokes my hair and whispers in my ear that he’s so sorry for everything. He didn’t want to lose it on me like that. It just happens to him. Sometimes he can’t control himself. He loves me so much he says. I’m his perfect girl. But warns me not to ever make him lose control again. I ask him how do I do that? He says it’s simple, do everything I say, anytime I say it.