Forgive Me(25)

Totally freaked out. OMG freaked out. The craziest thing happened just now. My heart is still pounding. Gotta catch my breath.





OK, I’m better now. OMFG heart is still pounding. Here’s what happened. I passed out after getting high and drunk and when I woke up Ricardo was kneeling over me. Straddling me. I’ve never seen him look so angry. He scared the sh-t out of me. His face was this horrible scowl. He dropped tons of shredded paper on me like it was confetti or something. I didn’t know what it was at first, but a few bigger pieces fell and I could see it was my face. These were the pictures from the photo shoot. Ricardo had cut up all the pictures into little pieces and he made them rain down on me. What’s going on, I asked him? He said that he showed the photos to Stephen Macan. He’d been busy and hadn’t had time to look them over. When he saw them he freaked out, or so Ricardo said. She looks like a scared little girl. That’s what Stephen Macan told him. She’s supposed to be sexy. She’s supposed to be the next JLaw! J. Bar, right? I’m Jessica Barlow now. “These pictures are crap.” Those words are directly from Stephen Macan. Ricardo tells me he’s going to lose his job if I don’t take better pictures. They invested a lot in me, he says. This apartment isn’t free. The food. Photo expenses. All the booking calls Stephen has been making, setting up appointments, all that stuff. Everything depends on these pictures coming out right. But how can I make it come out right? I didn’t think I was any good at this to begin with. They did, not me. But Stephen still thinks I have it in me and he told Ricardo to get it out of me or he’ll find somebody else who can.

Everything is such a mess now. What am I supposed to do? You should have seen him. He was screaming and yelling, hitting the walls. Like totally panicked. I have to do better. If he loses his job it’s going to be my fault. Where is he going to get another photography job? He kept saying to me, do you think photography jobs are easy to come by? Well do you?? I told him we could go away together. He said if he gets fired because of me he won’t go anywhere with me. He won’t want to see me again. This job allows him to do his art photography. Ricardo is a real artist! He’s not just a hack. I can’t let that happen! Then he called me a weak little girl. He said he’s wasting his time with me. He says he’s going to get fired for sure. He’s right. I am a weak little girl. But I’m going to do better. I’ll do whatever it takes. I need to go talk to Ricardo. Back soon.

So sad right now.





I told Ricardo I would do anything to make the photo session work. Anything. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t. He’s the only one who’s ever cared about me. He doesn’t think I can do it though. He was a lot less angry this time, so it was easy to talk with him. I had to be innocent looking but experienced at the same time if that made any sense. I said I wasn’t experienced and he knew what I meant by it too. So we fixed it. I mean we did it. By it, I mean it. I wanted to do it with him, too, but as soon as he got on top of me, and started moving, I felt so weird. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. We didn’t have any music playing or anything like that. The soundtrack to my first time was Breaking Bad because that’s what he was watching on Netflix when it happened. I was too embarrassed to look him in the eyes. So either I closed my eyes tight, or I turned my head and watched the TV while Ricardo . . . well, you know. Guess what show I’ll never watch again? I was so freaked out and my heart was beating like crazy. After it was over I asked him if it was any good? He said I needed a lot of work. Just like with my photo shoots.





Ricardo says my friends may be right about me. We took another set of photos and they’re getting worse. I look fat in them. I don’t look anything like Jessica Barlow should. He says I’m plain and dull and boring and nobody is going to give these a second look. It’s not even good enough for my Facebook profile pic. He said he thinks he understands now why my father doesn’t give a crap about me. I’m so damn forgettable.





Something is working at least. The sex is getting better. We’ve been doing a lot of I&I, that be Intercourse & Inebriation. I can’t have sex if I’m not drunk or high. It relaxes me. Anyway, I won’t lie—I like it. A LOT. Ricardo tells me he loves me. He tells me he loves me everyday. All the time. He says I’m his girl. I’ll do anything to make him happy. I mean anything. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He gets me like nobody else. When I’m with him I feel like I belong. I want to make him happy. Yesterday he said he’s getting a little bored with me. He wants to try new things. I asked him what and he showed me a lot of stuff online, things I never saw before and I’m trying it out with him (I’m also trying to scrub it from my mind). He makes me watch videos (ok, it’s PRON—ya know, the code word for P.O.R.N., and some of it’s nasty too). He likes to watch and I try to do it like they do it in the videos. I’m trying to be what he wants me to be. I’m kind of grossed out by a lot of it to be honest, but I’m getting used to it now. He says we should buy stock in Trojan. HA-HA! Now that’s funny.

I wouldn’t do this if Ricardo didn’t love me, didn’t want me. And I love him. It’s not some puppy dog thing either. We get each other . . . really get each other. He tells me he’d do anything for me and that’s what makes it ok for me to do anything for him. I’m not going to get into all the details. Cause it can be nasty. This isn’t some smut diary. Get your mind out the gutter PEOPLE! This is my journal and I don’t want to write about it because, I dunno, maybe someone will find this someday and I’d be super embarrassed about what I’ve done, but trust me I’ve now seen it all and done it all and well, at least I’m good at something.