Forgive Me(15)

CHAPTER 7



Exhibit D: Excerpts from the journal of Nadine Jessup, pages 7-12




Let’s start here. This is so screwed up! Date unknown. Place unknown. All I have to get down my thoughts is my journal and a pen I brought from home. My phone and wallet are gone and I’m totally freaking out. When I finally woke up, I felt sick, not like I was going to puke or anything, just really weird. My head was fuzzy and it was hard for me to stand. I don’t drink much so I guess I took too many swigs of that vodka in Ricardo’s flask. I don’t even know how to feel except for stupid. I thought this was a good idea, but now I’m not so sure. Where am I? Who am I with? And I don’t have a phone or my wallet!! I’m such a moron (lol just ask my dad).

I needed to get my stuff back, so I walked to the door, more like stumbled, turned the knob, but it’s locked! The door is effin’ locked! Now I’m really freaking out so I turned the handle some more, but it doesn’t budge. So I banged on the door really hard and nobody answered and then I think I screamed, but nobody came. My mouth felt funny. My tongue was like a sponge sucking up every bit of water. And the room was spinning around so fast I couldn’t stand anymore. I went to the futon and just fell down and the next thing I knew my eyes were closed and when I opened them again I saw Ricardo hovering over me.

Ricardo stared at me and for some reason I wasn’t scared or grossed out. I liked how he’s looking at me, like he’s really seeing me. Somebody is finally seeing me! His eyes are beautiful, big and brown, and his smile is something you can’t imagine. Like it warms you from the inside. He’s not touching me or doing anything creepy, he’s just kneeling on the floor beside the futon, hanging out, watching over me like he’s my protector or something. He’s wearing jeans and a tank top white undershirt and you just know he works out. His body is really amazing. Strong arms with really well defined muscles.

I’ve always wanted to be someone’s special somebody. There was this boy at school, I’m not naming names, but I had a wicked crush on him for so long and I smiled so hard every time we talked my mouth hurt. But nothing ever happened between us because he already had a girlfriend, or I think he did. Either way I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t want to get rejected. But I loved that feeling of a guy caring for me even if it was only in my imagination. Why can’t I have a real boyfriend? Somebody who really cares about me IRL? Ya know . . . in real life. I always wondered what it would feel like and I can see it in Ricardo’s eyes.





My phone. This is my biggest worry. I asked Ricardo about it and he tells me he doesn’t know anything about it. He tried to help me find it. We looked all over the room. Maybe I dropped it somewhere because I was drinking. I try to remember. Did I have it in my hand when we were going into the apartment? Ricardo thinks I did. Or more specifically he thinks I had them both in my hand when I got out of the car. That’s what he remembers anyway. It’s possible because I was looking at my phone. Maybe I wanted my wallet for something. I don’t remember. But Ricardo’s so certain of it that now I’m certain of it.

I feel sick because I must have dropped it or something and I remember a little bit about the neighborhood. It’s a pretty rundown part of a city. God, which one? Where the hell am I? Right?! I ask Ricardo and he says we’re near Baltimore, that’s where the studio is, he tells me. Then I remembered the photo shoot (How did I forget? How much did I drink?) and suddenly I’m worried about something completely different. Ricardo tells me that Stephen Macan had to go home. Probably to give his daughter the present I told him to buy, probably to have cake and ice cream with his perfect family, and then he’ll post pictures on Facebook or Instagram, which is something my father would never do for me. Now I’ve really screwed up. I’m always screwing things up. The photo shoot got cancelled because I got too drunk.

Get it together Nadine! I’m more worried about upsetting Stephen Macan than I am about my damn wallet and phone and Ricardo feels terrible about both things. He’s also being so super sweet to me. I told him I didn’t feel that great and right away he got me a glass of water. I asked him how long I’d been asleep and he said all night! ALL NIGHT! I guess I really did drink too much.





I don’t know if we’re doing the photo shoot or not anymore. I’m not sure I even care. I’ve spent the whole day talking to Ricardo. He’s AMAZING! Really amazing. He’s older. Twenty-three I think, but he thinks I’m almost nineteen and that’s not too big a difference. That’s totally normal. We could go out together and nobody would think anything of it. Not like he’s sixty and I’m twenty-five or something. To prove my point we did go out. Ricardo took me to this restaurant that serves Mexican food, but it wasn’t like the Mexican restaurants near my house. This was a lot, I dunno—more authentic, I guess. Everyone spoke Spanish and they talked really fast. Ricardo did, too, but it was really hot to hear him talking Spanish. Anyway, he ordered me this burrito thing and it was great, but I was soooooo hungry I would have eaten the aluminum it was wrapped in. I drank a big glass of water and I was starting to feel a whole lot better, a lot more like myself. But I still didn’t have my cell phone or wallet. I had no money and maybe that’s why my stomach was in knots. Or maybe it was Ricardo who kept looking at me and smiling at me but in the sweetest way imaginable.