Forever, Interrupted(27)

She stares at me and I stare right back at her. I don’t know what has given me the courage to be honest. I’m not a person inclined to stare anyone else down. Nevertheless, I hold her gaze, my lips pursed and tight, my brows weighted down on my face. Maybe she thinks I’m going to turn and walk away. I don’t know. It takes so long for her to speak that the break in the silence is almost startling.

“Even if everything is as you say it is,” she says. “Even if you two were married, and the marriage certificate is on its way, and you were the love of his life—”

“I was,” I interrupt her.

She barely listens. “Even so, how long were you married to him, Elsie? Two weeks?” I work hard to breathe in and then breathe out. I can feel the lump in my throat rising. I can feel the blood in my brain beating. She continues. “I hardly think two weeks proves anything,” she says.

I think about turning around and just leaving her there. That’s what she wants. But I don’t do it. “You wanna know something else about your son? He would be livid, to see what you’re doing. Heartbroken and positively livid.”

I leave her hotel room without saying good-bye. As I walk out the door, I look behind me to see a dirt stain the size of my shoe on her pristine white carpet.





Two hours later, Mr. Pavlik calls to tell me Susan has taken over burial plans.

“Burial plans?” I ask, not sure if he is mistaken.

There is a pause, and then he confirms. “Burial plans.”

I wish it felt like a victory but it doesn’t. “So what do I need to do?” I ask.

He clears his throat and his voice becomes tight. “Uh,” he says. “I don’t believe anything else is required of you, Elsie. I have Mrs. Ross here and she has decided to take care of the rest.”

I don’t know how I feel about this. Except tired. I feel tired.

“Okay,” I say to him. “Thank you.” I hang up the phone and set it down on the dining room table.

“Susan kicked me out of the funeral planning,” I tell Ana. “But she’s having him buried. Not cremated.”

Ana looks at me, unsure of how to react. “Is that good or bad?”

“Good?” I say. “It’s good.” It is good. His body is safe. I did my job. Why am I so sad? I didn’t want to pick out a casket. I didn’t want to choose flowers. And yet, I have lost something. I have lost a part of him.

I call Mr. Pavlik right back.

“It’s Elsie,” I say when he answers. “I want to speak.”

“Hmm?”

“I want to speak at his funeral.”

“Oh, certainly. I’ll speak to Mrs. Ross about it.”

“No,” I say sternly. “I am speaking at the funeral.”

I can hear him whispering and then I hear hold music. When he comes back on he says, “Okay, Elsie. You’re welcome to speak if you’d like to.” He adds, “It will be Saturday morning in Orange County. I’ll send you further details shortly,” and then he wishes me well.

I get off the phone, and as much as I want to congratulate myself for standing up to her, I know that, if Susan had said no, I wouldn’t have been able to do much about it. I’m not exactly sure how I gave her all the power, but I gave it to her. For the first time, it doesn’t feel like Ben was just alive and well a second ago. It feels like he’s been gone forever.





Ana heads back to her place to walk her dog. I should offer for her to bring the dog here, but I get the impression Ana needs a few hours every day to get away from me, to get away from this. It’s the same thing. I am this. When she gets back, I’m in the same place I was when she left. She asks if I’ve eaten. She doesn’t like the look on my face.

“This is absurd, Elsie. You have to eat something. I’m not messing around anymore.” She opens the refrigerator. “You can have pancakes. Eggs? It looks like you have some bacon.” She opens the pack of bacon and smells it. It’s clearly putrid judging from the look on her face. “Never mind, no bacon. Unless . . . I can go get some bacon! Would you eat bacon?”

“No,” I say. “No, please do not leave me to get bacon.”

The doorbell rings, and it’s so loud and jarring that I almost jump out of my skin. I turn and stare at the door. Ana finally goes to answer it herself.

It’s a goddamn flower deliveryman.

“Elsie Porter?” he says through my screen door.

“You can tell him there’s no one here by that name,” I say to Ana. She ignores me and opens the screen to let him in.

“Thank you,” she says to him. He gives her a large white bouquet and leaves. She shuts the door and places it on the table.

“These are gorgeous,” she says. “Do you want to know who they’re from?” She grabs the card before I answer.

“Are they for the wedding or the funeral?” I ask.

Ana is quiet as she looks at the card. “The funeral.” She swallows hard. It wasn’t nice of me to make her say that.

“They are from Lauren and Simon,” Ana says. “Do you want to thank them or should I?”

Ben and I used to double-date with Lauren and Simon. How am I supposed to face them myself? “Will you do it?” I ask her.