Filthy Gods (American Gods 0.5)(31)

“I hope my mother’s money helps you.” His voice was like thunder to my ears and heart.

I froze, a lump caught in my throat and looked back at him.

His icy glare seized me.

And it all came together.

I hadn’t taken the money, but Mrs. Hawthorne had spoken to Nathaniel and told him I had. Probably told him the money-whore that I was had greedily agreed. That I didn’t care an ounce about him. That I was power-hungry and would do anything to get ahead, including using him.

Fucking my way to a shiny paycheck, is what he thought I’d done.

I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me.

Anger swelled inside of me and I fisted my hands beside me. I wanted to tell him exactly what I had done, that I had agreed to save his future, instead of saving us.

That I wasn’t being a villain.

That I understood how hard he’d worked to achieve his goals and that there was nothing I would do to put any of it in jeopardy.

That I loved him enough to let go of a future with him.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to kiss him and tell him he owned my heart.

That I loved him.

I love you.

Those words were like knives stabbing my chest over and over again as I stared back at him.

“Goodbye, Nathaniel.” I let my voice shake, I let tears build and I turned away, leaving him behind.

I rushed down the dirt path and back to my cottage. I kept my head down and made it into my room.

I was leaving.

I was leaving everything that happened this summer in the past and hidden deep inside of my heart.

As I gathered my luggage, I felt someone wait by my door.

I glanced up to see Mandy, her fingers playing with the edge of her blouse.

I looked away, huffing and zipped up my purse.

“Did you think no one would notice that you were constantly sleeping elsewhere? The way the two of you exchanged looks every chance you got?” Mandy shook her head, her blonde ponytail bouncing. “I’d do anything to get that reference, but sleep with my boss’s son is not one of them.”

Her words felt like a slap across my skin and I straightened, gritting my teeth as I rolled my suitcase out.

“You were my biggest competition and I wasn’t going to let a girl banging a rich snob stop me from winning,” Mandy continued. Because to her—to everyone else—I had been using Nathaniel for money and he had been using me for pleasure. A fun time. Nothing else.

“I wouldn’t do that for money either, Mandy,” I hissed at her. “But reporting people who believed I was their friend just to get ahead isn’t something I’d do either.”

Mandy’s scowl faltered and her eyes widened, but I didn’t stop. It was too late. I didn’t care anymore.

“What? You’re going to tell me you fell in love?” She rolled her eyes. “Please, spare me the dramatics. He wouldn’t fall in love with you, you’re just a maid.”

That hurt. a lot. Taking a shaky breath, I opened our front door and dragged my suitcase outside. “It doesn’t matter.”

Mandy stood in the doorway, gawking at me, her features drawn into a frown. “Wow, you really thought he might.”

I shook my head, blinking back tears. I made my way to the front entrance. Once outside, a tear spilled down my cheek and I brushed it away.

I got to the waiting taxi and loaded my one bag in the trunk.

I glanced back at the white, perfect manor. The place that was now filled with memories I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forget.

“Ready?” the old taxi driver asked, arching a brow at me.

I sighed, tearing my gaze away from the glimmering house of dreams and powerful men and women.

I sat in the back of the taxi and buckled up, clutching my shirt. A sadness swelling in my chest and my eyes burnt the longer I stared at the house. A few green leaves fell from the old oak trees, spiraling in the cooling air.

I had fallen for a god and I had to give him up to keep his immortality.

The summer was over and so were we.





Yale’s oak trees still held their leaves as I made my way across the Green, a walkway between the residences. I had returned to campus a few days ago and I was able to get a few extra hours at the Sterling Memorial Library. New students were filing in, in awe at the beautiful buildings and nature around campus. I remembered how enamored I had been with this campus, how hopeful and powerful I felt when I stepped onto its old stone sidewalks the first time.

I didn’t feel powerful now, but I would move on.

It was a hard pill to swallow and I still feared how I would react when I saw Nathaniel on campus again. I had been building my walls back up so high no one would touch me ever again.

This year would be about me and my future and no one else. I would jump back from this, but my heart was still dragging behind me. Sometimes, it felt like it was still on those sandy beaches or under those beautiful willow trees that hid our secret world.

Back on warm summer nights highlighted by the moonlight.

As I entered the chapel-like Gothic Revival library through its vaulted nave, adorned by stained glass windows, I felt free and caged at the same time. These walls had been where I found peace and quiet to focus during my studies. But I knew he walked these stone slabs too and it wouldn’t be much longer until I saw him here.

I smiled at Quinn stacking books behind the circulation desk. He was an older man and had told me stories over the years of students vandalizing the reading rooms with paint and smoke bombs for fun and streaking naked through the hallways for the Yale Football team.