Fight or Flight(59)
“Do you know what he said when he told me about the affair? When I asked him if he’d loved Gem the whole time, why he was with me? He said that I was the one he wanted when he was just a horny kid.” Anger besieged me at the reminder. “That I was so beautiful that he couldn’t help but want me. That he probably would always want me that way. But that was all I was. A pretty face. He said I was boring and uptight and I cared too much about the way I looked and what people thought of me. Gem wasn’t like that. She wasn’t vain. She was warm, he said. And while my beauty would fade, Gem would always be beautiful on the inside.”
Silence, heavy and still, fell over the room.
And through it I could feel Caleb’s anger, and it was gratifying.
“Do you want to know the sickest part? I believed him. Maybe I did care about my looks too much, of what people thought of me. After all, the only compliments my parents ever gave me growing up were on my looks. They made it seem like being attractive was my most powerful and positive quality.
“I drove myself crazy trying to think back and find evidence that Nick was right. It took me a long time afterward to realize that he wasn’t right. That what he said wasn’t true. I have my faults, but those weren’t it. He just wanted it all to be true because he needed not to be the bad guy in the situation. They both did. So somehow the blame fell on me. That all these years I’d stolen Nick from Gem and kept them apart. My parents just told me to get over it. Just get over it! The only people I’d ever trusted betrayed me, and I was just supposed to get over it.
“The one person who seemed to be on my side was my uncle. He flew me out to Boston and helped me find a place to start over.”
When Caleb spoke, his voice was gruff. “And then you had tae fly home for Gemma’s funeral.”
I let out a shaky breath. “All of our old friends just stared at me in disgust the whole time, murmuring behind my back that they couldn’t believe I’d had the audacity to show up. That was hard enough as it was … but Nick decided to humiliate me at the wake and direct all his rage and grief at me.”
“What did he do?”
“I was turning a corner in their house and I bumped into him by accident, spilling the drinks in his hand on the cream carpet. And it just set him off. He just started yelling at me, asking me why I was there. He told me that Gem died still thinking the affair was all her fault. That she’d never forgiven herself even though it wasn’t just her fault. He said that he and I were to blame too. But that I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t forgive her. I was too filled with hate and self-absorption. And he said that I could live the rest of my life knowing that he would never forgive me.”
Caleb shot up to a sitting position, his eyes blazing at me. “You didn’t actually swallow that bullshit, did you?”
I scoffed. “Of course not. But everyone else there did. I was practically shoved out of there with pitchforks while my parents watched on in embarrassment, not doing anything to have my back. I am not the woman I was back then, Caleb. Yes, I feel guilty that she died without my having forgiven her because I can forgive knowing that she felt responsible for destroying the future I had planned. But him? Never once could he admit that he was the guilty party. He always tried to make me the bad guy because it made him feel better. He’s a coward.” I shook my head in wonder. “I look back and I try to see it—I try to see how I could have missed what a piece of shit he is deep down.”
Caleb reached over and slid his big, warm hand under my hair, cupping the nape of my neck in a firm, reassuring grip. His eyes bore into mine, capturing me in place. “Dinnae do that tae yourself. People can be masters of deception because they are so complicated. You aren’t the first tae have not seen a person’s true character. And frankly, Ava, when you first started dating him he was just a boy. People can be nice kids and for whatever reason grow up tae be selfish wee shits. So dinnae put that on yourself.”
I nodded at his soft command and then gave him a wry smile to cover the fact that I wanted to burst into fresh tears. “Still glad you asked to hear about it?”
“Aye,” he replied firmly. “Because I can tell you now knowing the facts that I think you should talk tae Nick.”
Shocked, I jerked away from his touch. “Why would you even suggest that? Do you see this?” I pulled away, reaching over to my nightstand where I laid my jewelry. I picked up the tennis bracelet Nick had given me. “He bought me this. For my eighteenth birthday. I wear it to look good for my clients and I can’t afford to spend money on a freaking diamond tennis bracelet to replace it. I hate wearing it because it always reminds me of him. But I wear it anyway. And it’s as close as I ever want to get to him again.”
Caleb scowled at the bracelet, a dark look that melted away when he looked into my eyes. “Ava, you need tae tell him what you told me. Even if he is here tae apologize, he needs tae know before he says a damn word that you dinnae care what he thinks. That you know you aren’t the one in the wrong here and that he can live the rest of his life not forgiving you if he bloody well wants … because as far as you’re concerned he’s just a memory you dinnae care enough about tae offer forgiveness.”
My breath caught at his fierceness and the realization that Caleb’s advice was spot-on. Nick did need to know that he didn’t have power over me. Not anymore. I nodded slowly. “You’re right. You’re so right.” I grabbed his hand and placed a grateful kiss to his big knuckles. He’d been so kind, so generous, listening to me like that and not judging. But I thought about what I knew of his family and I wondered just how crazy he must think mine was. My thoughts blurted out before I could stop them. “You must think my family is insane. Yours sounds so perfect.”