Fall Back Skyward (Fall Back #1)(61)

Because I’m afraid you will see right through me. I divert my gaze before I can say those words out aloud and run my hands along my arms to calm my prickling skin.

I wish my mother wasn’t as sick or still hopelessly in love with my father. I wish I was old enough to move out of this house and take my sisters and mom with me.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.” He climbs on the bed and scoots back to the wooden headboard. “Come here.”

I walk toward him fighting the urge to throw myself in his arms, but stop at the foot of the bed and suck in a breath as I take in his slouched form. Something is off with him. His eyes are rimmed with red as if he has been crying, and his shoulders are hunched forward. How did I not notice this when I walked into the room?

“Is everything okay?” I ask, hoping to get a glimpse of what is bothering him.

He scrubs his hands down his face. He signs and speaks the words, “I just came home from the hospital.”

“Are you all right?” I inspect him with my eyes, but he seems perfectly okay. But his eyebrows are folded in a worry frown and his eyes are tight around the corners.

I take a deep breath, pushing my problems aside.

He shakes his head again. “Josh. We received a call three hours ago from his football coach, telling us that they had to rush him to the hospital—St. James Memorial. He has been having recurring pancreatitis for almost three years. We thought he had gotten better, but we were wrong. This time it was worse than the other times.”

I crawl on the bed toward him and pull him into a hug, and then lean back and take his hands in mine. “Oh gosh. I’m so sorry. Is he going to be okay?”

He removes one hand from mine and rubs his neck. “I don’t know. I mean. . .yes. I hope so. The doctor wanted to keep him in the hospital a bit longer to monitor him until tomorrow. They put him on I.V. medications to lessen the irritation.”

Tears fill his eyes and he clenches his jaw. “I can’t lose him.”

I slide my palms to his cheeks and fix my gaze on his. “You won’t lose him. He is going to be all right. You hear me?”

He sniffs and blinks several times. “He had better be or I will kick his ass. The idiot hasn’t been following his diet.”

He inhales deeply, and as his chest deflates he sinks deeper into the bed. “It’s your turn. Talk to me. I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t know what is wrong.”

I sigh. Knowing Cole, he won’t leave this alone. So I tell him what happened, omitting the part where my dad and his mom were arguing. I’m not touching that issue right now.

By the time I’m done, Cole’s body is rigid and his face wears a hard expression. Beautiful. Hard. Unforgiving.

He loosens his hands around my neck. “Did he do anything to you?”

“No!” I say, shaking my head. “No. He didn’t.”

He exhales, then pulls me to him. He kisses my forehead, and just holds me until I feel my body calm down.

I pull back a little and look up at him. “I felt all this rage inside me, Cole. I am afraid if he had gone further, I would have hurt him really badly. Like really hurt him.”

His gaze widens in surprise or shock at my admission.

“I have done it before. That scar on his cheek. . .I did that to him when I was thirteen.” I proceed to tell him what happened.

This is a make or break moment. My heart is bleeding raw emotions and there is no way to stop the flow. If Cole is meant to stay he will stay. I’d rather deal with the devastation in one go, than drag it out until later. He needs to know my brand of crazy.

“I’m so tired of blaming myself. Of him blaming me for something I had no control of. I needed, and still need, to get control of my life at some point without using pain as a way to have it. I promised myself I wouldn’t let him do any more damage to me. I don’t want my sisters to go through what my mother and I went through. So yes, I’m not above hurting him.” I bury my face in my hands and mumble, suddenly terrified of my own mind, “Am I crazy to feel this way?”

Cole cups my chin and tugs it up. “What did you say?”

“It feels wrong to admit something like that out aloud. Does that put you off? You must be shocked at least.” I add the last part because the boy is just sitting there calmly as if my admission is the most natural thing in the world.

Suddenly, he smiles at me and cups my face in his palms, brushing a thumb over my bottom lip. He stares into my eyes for what feels like forever, drinking in my face with just a look.

Then he drops his hands from my face. “No. You are the bravest girl I’ve ever met. I don’t know how you do it. I’m in awe. Yes, your mind is a chaotic place. But you know what? I want to be the one who calms your mind.”

I lift his hand to my lips and kiss his palm. “You need to go home and get some sleep,” I say, and then press my forehead against his.

“I’m staying here.”

This time I don’t protest. I need him. I also have a feeling it will take a monumental effort to uproot him from my room. My father is not here, and knowing him, he probably won’t be returning home tonight.

I climb out of the bed and lock my door, then rejoin him on the bed, curling my body into his. He slides his hand until it meets mine and links our fingers, then pushes my hair to one side with his other hand. He tucks his face into my neck and kisses me.