Don't Look for Me(67)

Every word he said resonated inside her.

“I know—you’re not really trying to kill yourself, you want to kill that annoying voice that keeps telling you to let go of the guilt and start living again. That’s the thing I’ve been trying to kill—with the drinking and the … the men.”

“If you keep degrading yourself, maybe that annoying voice will finally shut the hell up and let you drown in the guilt.”

“Yes,” Nic said. “The first time I ever had a drink, I was so desperate to stop feeling. I actually had thoughts of wanting to die. Of jumping off this bridge that runs through our downtown.”

“Jesus, Nic. That’s horrible. Did you ever tell anyone? How you wanted to kill yourself? Jump off a bridge?”

“I told the counselor they made me see. I don’t think she really got it. I don’t think anyone gets it unless they’ve lived it. They were just words to her, when I tried to describe it, the hollow spaces wanting to be filled, but never could, because that day can’t be unlived. I can’t get my sister back. And now my mother…”

Reyes pulled her close. Stroked her hair.

Then he repeated what he’d said earlier.

“We are the same, Nicole. And I understand everything you’re saying.”

Nic closed her eyes and let herself go. She let the alcohol settle in, warm her blood and blur her thoughts. There were too many of them, and none she liked.

Except this one. This one thought he had put in her head.

We are the same.

She liked that thought very much, even though she knew, before they even left the table, where it was going to lead.





31


Day sixteen





The morning begins with chaos. The sound of a drill. Then silence. Then the front door banging as it swings so wide it hits the wall.

Alice sits up, startled, arms pulling away from my body on the other side of the bars.

She lets out a holler of surprise, but says nothing.

I sit up now and see Mick reaching for her, scooping her in his arms and carrying her away from me.

She is quiet as she looks at me from over his shoulder, as they move down the hall.

It is a new face I see. I do not give it a name because I don’t ever want to see it again.

It is a face of terror, as though she knows she is about to lose me.

I take a breath now because the chaos seems to be over. At least for the moment. I get up and walk to the far side of the bed. Something has drawn me there. I hear no more sounds. It is quiet.

The light is different somehow, brighter and sharper.

I can see now, I can see why the light has changed.

Mick has drilled a hole in the wood.

I slide the glass panel down and touch the little hole with my finger. It’s been drilled from the outside. It is no wider than my pinky.

But it is wide enough to let in the light.

And it is wide enough for me to see outside.

I look through the hole, I can see one side of the driveway circle and realize the room must face the front of the house.

I feel relief at first that he has given me this gift of light.

But then another thought enters. A thought that fits better with the chaos that has just occurred.

Mick has drilled this hole so that I can see outside.

I don’t know what it is he wants me to see.

But I suddenly long for darkness.





32


Day sixteen





Nic awoke, startled by her surroundings. She sat upright, her eyes slowly taking in the things that were visible in the dim morning light.

Stiff white sheets. A fluffy duvet. Blackout shades behind thick beige curtains.

She heard a quiet hum from the heating unit above the door to the bathroom.

It crept into her brain, this fog carrying information about where she was and how she’d come to be here. Hungover. Naked. Alone.

“No,” she said out loud. “This isn’t happening. I didn’t do this. Not again.”

She pulled the sheet tightly around her. There was no one to kick out of her bed. No one to hold on to.

Hand shaking now, she reached for her phone. It was nearly ten. She needed something, someone.

Her mother was gone. Her father was lying. And this new man who had made her feel so good last night—the man and the vodka, both gone now.

“Evan?” she said, her voice trembling into the phone. He was all she had left.

“Nic? What is it? What’s happened?”

His name was the only word she could get out.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“At a hotel. At that casino. The one where Mom used her credit card.”

She cried the words. Evan was confused.

“What are you doing there?”

“Ev—I think I know who gave Mom a ride here. I think she may have left.”

Evan was quiet for a moment. But then—

“I don’t care! We still have to find her. You’re still going to look for her, right?”

“Yes. Of course. I promised you I would.”

More silence. She couldn’t tell him why she’d called, that she had dug herself into a hole and didn’t think she would survive it. Not this time.

“Evan?” she said.