Darkness at the Edge of Town (Iris Ballard #2)(67)
“That’s not what…You need to stop talking about my wife like this, Iris,” he warned. “Apologize to her.”
He was a hairsbreadth from ending the conversation. I sensed it and knew I had to back off a little. I stared at the crying Betsy, who hadn’t said a word in her own defense, and frowned. “I’m sorry if I’ve been harsh, Betsy. I am.” I turned to Billy. “But if the tables were turned, if I suddenly left Hayden, took all our money, disappeared into a religious group, and got married after knowing someone for only a few months, you’d be concerned as well. Especially after all you’ve been through this year.”
“That’s in the past, Iris.”
“No, you want it to be in the past. Have you let yourself grieve? Have you dealt with your anger at Elliot for what he did?”
“Yes, I have,” he said.
“How? By blaming the universe? By convincing yourself it was part of your journey? Is that what you’re doing with your guilt about Gia? About losing the baby? ‘Oops, it’s just the universe. Not my fault.’ That’s just sweeping your emotions under the rug. Denying its existence and your part in it. It’s a cop-out.”
“It’s not a cop-out. It’s how the universe works. How things truly are. And why would I have guilt about losing the baby? I did everything I could.”
“I’m sure you did. I know it wasn’t your fault. But that doesn’t mean you do. Because how things truly are is that bad things happen to good people. That people can be stupid and selfish, some more than others. That we are our own worst enemies. We torture ourselves over things we can’t control to gain power over them. And when that doesn’t work out, doesn’t make us feel better, we turn to the other extreme. We hand over all our power to other people, to your universe, to my drugs and alcohol, so when shit inevitably goes down again, at least it’s not our fault. We shut off our brains, fall into a bottle, disappear onto a farm where people tell us what to eat, what to think, when to work, because God knows it’s easier than confronting ourselves and this scary, shitty world. Billy, I speak from two years of experience.”
The sides of my brother’s mouth twitched. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m weak? Stupid? That I’ve run away because I can’t deal with the real world? Like you did? Or maybe, just maybe, I’m stronger than you are, Iris. I’ve found purpose. Love. A family who doesn’t belittle me. Siblings who actually care about me, who will actually be there for me when I need them. Twenty years, Iris. Twenty years with the odd phone call or email. You left me to take care of Mom. To suffer through years in that town as the bastard. The brother of the hotshot FBI agent who could never quite measure up to his sibling, even to our grandparents.”
“I can’t change the past, Billy. I can’t. But I’m here now.”
“Yeah, you’re here to insult me. To insult my wife. To lie to my new friends. Manipulate them. You made Helen cry, Iris. Paul’s barely said a word to anyone since last night. You-You threatened Mathias.”
“Because it was the only way I could find you, to see you. To make sure they hadn’t just stolen your money and buried you in the backyard.”
“Because that’s all they could ever want from me. They couldn’t possibly just like me for me. I guess that would be hard for you to imagine. How many friends do you have, Iris? Who loves you? The Ice Queen? Not even Mom can stand you.” That one stung. He sat up straight. “I think you’re just jealous. I’m happy. I’m married. I have a baby on the way. I’m surrounded by people who love me. I’m out there helping the world be a better place without having to shoot people to do it. You may have money now, you may be on TV and flying around the world, but who do you have when you go home to an empty house? You just can’t stand the fact that for once I’m ahead of you where it matters. I’m loved. I didn’t become a pill-head alcoholic when my life got tough. I turned my pain into something good and useful. I’ve proved I’m stronger than you. And it kills you.” He rose from the table hand-in-hand with Betsy.
As they began walking away, I realized I couldn’t let him leave like that. Not just because I needed to convince him of the danger—but because I’d had no idea just how deep his anger and resentment ran. If this were the only chance to talk to him, I couldn’t leave things that way.
“You’re right,” I called to him. Both turned around. “Billy, you’re right. I’ve always been jealous of you. I’ve always been jealous of how kind you are at your very core. How you could see the good in almost anything and anyone. How Mom loved you best. How people just like you. But that has nothing to do with this. I am not lying to hurt you. I don’t ever, ever want to hurt you. Never have. Never will. I love you. Just because I haven’t been around doesn’t change that. I’m still the same sister who beat up anyone who tried to hurt you. Who did her best to shield you from Mom’s dysfunction. From the assholes around town and in high school. And you’re right. I am a cold, cynical bitch, and maybe I’m wrong about this place and what it’s doing to you. But, Billy, what if I’m not?
“You’re a smart guy. Far smarter than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. Since you’ve been part of this group you’ve cheated on the woman you love. You’ve left her penniless. You’ve blackmailed your friend Kevin. You’ve disappeared without telling the people who raised you where you were going because you know you were afraid of this very thing. Our grandparents. Mom. Khairo. Gia. Kevin. Me. Everyone you were once close to, who loves you, is telling you something is wrong here. Listen to me, Billy. Something is wrong here. These people have isolated you. They have turned you against the people you love. They have taken all your money. You are living in a tent, working fields for no pay. You have dropped out of your whole life because a man who you know nothing about told you to. And in the short time I’ve been around your new family I have seen nothing but red flags. So many I came here without backup, against my better judgment, just so I could make sure you were alive, because the more I learned and the more I saw, it became a real possibility that you weren’t. And Billy, I have no horse in this race. I have no real reason to lie to you. I don’t.