Damien (Slater Brothers #5)(50)

Surprise lit up his features.

“It wasn’t my fault?”

“No, not entirely, like I’ve always said it was.” I answered. “You were upfront and honest the whole time, and I shouldn’t have used what you said during sex against you. I seduced you, even when you told me it wasn’t a good idea. You told me what would happen. You said I wasn’t a sex only type of girl, and you were dead right, but I didn’t listen. I saw how you looked at me that night, and I used your attraction for me against you because I wanted you so badly. I was aware of what could happen, of what evidently did happen … but I thought I could deal with it if it came to that.”

“But you couldn’t?”

“No, I couldn’t.” I cleared my throat. “I wanted to hate you; you have no idea how much I wanted to. I tried to tell meself that I did; I made it clear to everyone else that I despised you … but I didn’t. I just hated what happened between us because it hurt me so bad. But just know that it wasn’t all your fault. I was more to blame, but I didn’t want to admit that to anyone. Especially meself.”

“Alannah,” Damien murmured as he scrubbed his face with his hands. “It’s hard hearing you say all this.”

“Does it hurt?” I asked softly. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

The look on his face when I told him about Dante flashed through my mind, and it cut me to the bone.

“Hurt me?” He blinked. “Baby, you look so sad telling me this, it’s tearing me up inside.”

Baby.

“I’m fine.” I smiled, sadly. “It’s just been a tryin’ week.”

“You’ll come out on top,” Damien assured me. “You always do.”

“I’m not so sure,” I whispered.

“What?”

“I’m not a brave person,” I said, my lower lip wobbling. “When someone or somethin’ hurts me, I’m not very good at standin’ tall and facin’ it again because I’m scared of bein’ hurt worse than before.” I looked down. “I have this fear in me, Damien. It ruins everythin’.”

“Alannah.”

“Please,” I said with a shake of my head. “Don’t say I’m brave because I’m not. I’m a good-for-nothin’ coward.”

Damien inhaled sharply.

“I am,” I continued. “I was a coward with you, makin’ you believe what happened between us was all down to you when I knew bloody well it wasn’t. I’m a coward with me friends; they were the voice of reason where you were concerned for a long time, and I brushed their opinions aside. I automatically assumed they were wrong, just because they disagreed with me. I’m a coward with me parents; me da has been cheatin’ on me ma for God only knows how long, and I haven’t even tried to tell ’er because it’ll hurt me if she can’t handle it. The woman has breast cancer … she has cancer, not me. She is the one who must fight this evil in ’er body, and all I can fuckin’ think about is that I don’t want ’er to die, because I couldn’t cope without ’er … I make everythin’ about me, and I can’t stand it.”

“Alannah.”

“I’m spineless,” I stated, angrily wiping away the tears that welled in my eyes before they had a chance to fall. “I’m a coward with no courage.”

I jerked back with alarm when Damien moved, and before I knew what was happening, he kneeled before me. His hands went to either side of my face, and his face moved as close as could be without touching his nose to mine.

“You listen to me, Alannah Ryan,” he almost growled. “You are neither of those things, and you have plenty of courage!”

I turned my eyes away from Damien, not allowing myself to believe his words.

“How can you say that, let alone believe it? I’m scared of what is goin’ to happen to me ma, to ’er and me da’s marriage. I’m scared me business is goin’ to up and fail, and I’m absolutely terrified that things will end worse with you than they did the last time.”

“And you say you have no courage?” Damien asked, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. “Real courage is acting when your terrified. You are brave.”

“Why are you bein’ so nice to me?” I whispered. “I’ve made your life hard.”

“Don’t,” he warned.

“You left because of me.” I snivelled. “You said so last week in Branna’s kitchen.”

“I said I left for you, not because of you. I left for me too. I had so much shit to work through, things that I could only figure out by myself. If I thought you did anything to wrong me, Lana, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to win your trust. I wouldn’t have come back at all.”

I looked deep into his eyes.

“How do you manage to make me feel better over somethin’ that’s been plaguin’ me for as long as I can remember?”

“It’s a talent,” he said, his lips twitching. “I learned it in school.”

“With other girls?”

He snorted. “None that were important. They all just wanted my attention.”

“I remember.”

“Everyone wanted something from me,” Damien said.