Daddy's Girls (58)
“You should have thought of that two months ago.”
“I should have, but I didn’t. I was a massive fool. It’s like I thought I was single for a minute, in a way I never had been. I never did things like that before we got married. It’s all different now. It’s cellphones and selfies and texting and fast sex from dating sites. Instead of ordering pizzas, they order people. It’s a giant supermarket of bodies, fast lays like fast food and no feelings. I don’t know how they cope with it. It made me crazy, and it scares me to death for Morgan, out there in a few years. I don’t know how any of them handle it. OkCupid, and Tinder, and Twitter. I’ll lose my mind if that’s what I have to do now. I don’t want a divorce. I want to come home, if you’ll have me.”
She didn’t answer him for a long time, as she looked at him and thought about it, and tried to figure out what she wanted. She wanted to turn the clock back to before June, and she knew that couldn’t happen. She didn’t want what they were left with either. Anger and bitterness, and a broken heart over what he’d done to their marriage, and indirectly their kids if they were going to be the children of divorce now. She would have never cheated on him, or done what he did, or lost her mind over a twenty-three-year-old. Why did he get to do that, act like a maniac and then come home to her like nothing happened? It had happened, right in their own bedroom. And she couldn’t forget anything about it.
“I’m not ready for you to come home,” she said sadly, knowing that leaving him out there meant that he might find another Veronica and do the same things with her, while Caroline sat in her ivory tower and mulled it over. But the idea of sleeping in the same bed with him again made her feel slightly sick, and if he touched her, she would have killed him. Not after the pictures she’d seen, that were engraved on her memory forever. Maybe that was her answer. The word “forever.” She didn’t think she could get past it. “I wish I felt differently. I just can’t get any of it out of my mind.” She didn’t go down the list. He knew what she was upset about.
“I’d probably feel the same way you do,” he said. “But I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what it would take for you to forgive me, but I’ll do whatever you want.” She nodded. It was better than his asking for a divorce, but it didn’t change what had happened. Nothing would.
“I just want to forget what happened, but that’s all I think about every time I think about you.” He looked as though she had slapped him. She had always been so gentle and forgiving, but this time she wasn’t. She couldn’t run away from this the way she had from his comments about her being a redneck because of where she grew up, and her father being a cowboy, or the dismissive comments he made about her books in the early years of their marriage. He had gotten past that. This was different. He had stabbed her in the heart of her marriage, everything she held dear and respected about him and their marriage and loved about him. Now all that was gone, or dead, or seemed to be. Where did one go from there? “I need to think about it. I’ve been thinking about it all summer, and all I know is I’m not ready for you to come home. I don’t know if I ever will be, but I’m definitely not there yet.” He nodded, there was nothing he could say to her honesty and to erase what he’d done. He couldn’t rewind the film and edit it to make it different. High tech did not apply to real life. You were stuck with what was on the film forever. She wasn’t sure if memories like that ever faded. So far they hadn’t for her, even if Veronica was gone now. There would always be another girl like her around the next corner. She didn’t think she could ever trust him again.
“I understand,” he said, trying not to cry, and she almost felt sorry for him, but not really. He had done it to himself, and to her. “I’ll extend the apartment till the end of the year.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” although she wanted to make a decision before that. She didn’t want to be in limbo forever either. She wondered if they should sell their house, whatever they decided to do. It was tainted forever now. Veronica would always be in the room with them, and in their bed. And as she realized it, she had an idea, but didn’t say anything to him. It wasn’t up to him. At least not for now. He didn’t live there anymore.
“What are you going to tell the kids? You’ve been terrific with them,” he said gratefully.
“That we need more time, and we haven’t worked things out yet. It’s the truth.” He nodded, and he could tell from seeing them on the weekend that she hadn’t told them anything about what he’d done. It meant the world to him. Other women would have, but Caroline was too decent to, no matter what he’d done or how badly he had hurt her, she hadn’t told their kids. “They’ve seen their friends go through it, although most of the time, as Billy says, after a break like this, their friends’ parents get divorced. But at least if we do, we’ll be sure.” She wondered if one was ever sure. There were always the things you loved about a person, and the things you hated and couldn’t live with, and in this case, couldn’t forgive. That was the crux of it. Could she forgive him or not? She didn’t know. She didn’t think so, but she wasn’t sure.
“Could we go out to dinner sometime, or have lunch?” he asked her hopefully. She didn’t answer, but her eyes said no. He realized as he looked at her now how far away from him she’d gone. He wished that he’d called her more often over the summer instead of only a few times. He had wanted to but thought she needed space. Maybe she didn’t. And ending it with Veronica had been messy. He’d had a rotten summer, and missed Caroline and the kids fiercely.