Crush(100)

“Don’t run,” Mrs. R warned, but her smile told me it was concern in her voice and not the need for obedience I’d heard in my father’s voice every day of my young life.

I dumped everything in my hands and bent down with my arms extended. When Clementine reached me, I scooped her up and kissed her. “Good morning, silly girl. How are you today?”

Her hands clasped my cheeks and she opened her mouth for another kiss. Open-mouthed kisses were her thing. She breathed on me and she smelled of Cheerios and orange juice. A scent I had grown to cherish.

I held her tightly, the wave of love I felt for her as powerful as blood. She might not have been mine, but I felt like she was. “Look, I have a new friend to join your others.” I set her down and handed her the stuffed elephant.

She giggled and threw her arms around the soft fur. “Rosie,” she beamed.

My heart leapt at how much she loved her new Rosie.

“Mrs. Sterling, would you like me to prepare her breakfast now?” Mrs. R asked.

Still in the foyer, I glanced around at how tidy everything was. In the family room, all the toys were in the toy chest, the board books were placed neatly on the shelf, and Clementine’s stuffed animals were nowhere in sight. “Oh, no, we do that together, but thank you. Did Traci come?”

She tidied her bun. “She came Monday and will come again tomorrow.”

“Oh, it’s just everything is so neat.”

Mrs. R’s eyes lit up. “Yes, Clementine and I did some straightening up of her things yesterday. They were in quite a disarray.”

Panic set in and I didn’t know how to stop it. “She has to be allowed to play,” I found myself saying, knowing I was being ridiculous.

“Mommy,” Clementine said again, but when my eyes darted down to hers she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at Mrs. R.

A twinge of jealousy struck and it was followed by unreasonable disappointment.

Mrs. R bent to Clementine’s level. “Now sweetie, we discussed this. I’m Nanny and,” she pointed to me, “this is Aunt Elle.”

Clementine was oblivious to the entire conversation as she pretended to give Rosie some juice, but I could see in that moment that Mrs. R truly cared for her and that my tension was tainting my view of the situation.

“How about I bring Rosie upstairs to your room to join your other friends in our tea party and you go make breakfast with your aunt.”

She was correct. I was her aunt, not her mother.

I plastered a smile on my face and took Clementine’s hand. “Come on, let’s get those pancakes going.”

Mrs. R gently took my arm. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m trying to make the situation clear for her. We were in the park yesterday and she was calling every woman there ‘Mommy.’ I’m certain she misses her own mother and with no one constant woman in her life, she sees everyone as her mommy.”

The sucker punch came out of nowhere, but I knew it wasn’t intended to hurt me. Clementine did have a parade of women in her life. Nannies, housekeepers, Michael’s sister, me, but none were here all the time. “No, not at all. You did the right thing.”

Clementine and I went into the kitchen while Mrs. R left us alone and went upstairs. As always, I enjoyed my time with her. We made the batter, cooked the pancakes in the shape of princess tiaras, and then ate them with lots of syrup.

I shoved my own issues aside. Mrs. R was good for her. She was stable and reliable and could see what I had failed to see.

“How was it?” she asked Clementine as she entered the kitchen.

“De . . . lick . . . is,” she said, rubbing her tummy.

My heart fluttered. She was cute beyond words.

“If you don’t mind, Miss Sterling, I’m going to take her for a walk before the rain starts. It looks like it might just storm all day.”

I was washing the frying pan. “Please, call me Elle, and that’s a great idea. I’ll just finish up here and be off. I have to get to work by ten.”

“You can leave those. I’ll clean them up later.”

I pushed the hair from my face. “I’m almost done.”

“Okay, then, we’ll be off.”

I wiped my hands on a towel. “Give me a kiss, silly girl.”

In her shiny patent leather shoes she came over to me. “Bye, bye.”

I gave her a big squeeze and kissed her. “I love you and I’ll see you this weekend.”

She gave me that open-mouthed kiss and then took Mrs. R’s extended hand.

As soon as I heard the door close, I ran into Michael’s office.

Sightless eyes were watching me, or that’s how I felt as I plugged the thumb drive into Michael’s computer and a series of letters and numbers flashed before me. The bar at the bottom moved at a snail’s pace. I dug my fingernails into my palms as it inched ever farther toward one hundred.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

I glanced around and noticed the bouquet of roses on Michael’s desk.

“That’s it,” I thought, and ran toward the tile that hid the keypad.

With shaky fingers I tried to move it. Nothing happened. I tried to turn it. Nothing happened. Had he relocated it?

Feeling defeated, I pushed in as I went to shove away and the tile popped open. I entered 7673—the numbers that corresponded to Rose, Michael’s mother’s name. The dead woman whose pictures were everywhere. The mother he had obviously loved.