Crazy Girl(80)

He loved me.

But he was letting me go.

He swallowed hard as he dropped his arms. The muscles along his neck and jaw were tight. Even though I knew it was hopeless, I tried one more time.

“Please don’t give up on me.” The words seized my throat, choking me with emotion, causing my lip to tremble. He closed his eyes briefly before opening them again and stiffening his back.

No, he’d made up his mind.

He was done.

I swam to the pier and reached up to hold myself so I wouldn’t have to tread. I knew time was running out for me, if I didn’t say something right now, I’d probably never get the chance to again.

“I grew up on the water. Mostly anyway.” I glanced around and peered at the river before returning my gaze to his. “It was a good childhood for a while. Really great, actually.” My voice was shaky as I spoke. “My father tried hard to give us all something really special. He did give us something special.” And that was true. Whatever had gone wrong in the end, I know he only wanted the best for us. I wiped at my nose.

“He had some bad luck, business wise. A huge client went bankrupt, and he’d owed my father a lot of money and couldn’t pay up. When the business failed, everything else started to go, too.” Wren was looking straight ahead, his eyes fixed somewhere on the horizon, but I went on. “I don’t want to go into all the details, Wren. I just want you to know there was a time, when I was a kid, where everything felt amazing and safe. A time when we had everything we ever wanted or needed. And then…we didn’t. Then I grew up, I thought I had found that safe place again, and then… I lost that, too. I lost everything again.”

He still wasn’t looking at me. My heart felt like it was splitting in two. “Lots of amazing memories on the water. Some of the happiest times of my life,” I told him. “But I think…I think I love the water so much because before we lost the house, when everything else was gone, our family, the water was still there. It was something I loved and cherished, and even when all else was lost, the lake was not. There’s a lot of comfort in knowing something will always be there. If things can be ripped away, they’re not worth holding onto them.” I was babbling now, and I wasn’t even sure if he was listening or not. “I just don’t want to lose anything anymore. Not things. Not people. I’m sorry for the way I acted when you were at my house. I just didn’t want you to…know, I guess. I’m not proud of where I am in life right now. I’m asking you to respect and accept my privacy.”

He flicked his gaze down at me and my heart lurched. “I’m sorry for you and for the hardships you’ve endured.” He paused and took a deep breath before running a wide palm down his face.” “It’s been a hell of a ride, but I’m stepping off this train, crazy girl,” he finished, leaving me broken. His tone had been soft, but the words were like a blunt punch to my chest. Crazy girl had been our little joke, something he teased me for, but now…it wasn’t so funny. My craziness was too much to handle. I was too much to handle.

As he gazed down at me, I felt the hurt and disappointment in his stare. It shot through the water and burned my insides. I was frozen, paralyzed by hurt, and I had no one to blame but myself. He didn’t say another word to me before he walked away, leaving me in the water. The slapping sounds of his flip-flops smacked as he walked the pier heading back toward his house.

My heart sunk to the lowest part of my stomach. I lowered my face in the water so my mouth and nose were covered as my eyes burned with tears. It was over. He was done with me. And to top it off, it ended with me getting thrown off a pier. It ended with me being exactly what he always thought I was: Crazy. I turned and gazed out at the river, telling myself not to continue to cry. Everything would be okay. I’d finish my book. Somehow. But even I knew as important as I felt Wren was as my muse, and how much I felt I needed him to complete my manuscript, this hurt more. I loved him. He’d changed me, or at the very least, he’d made me want to change. And I wanted to change for him. I wanted to be the woman he deserved. But I’d messed it all up. I needed to get out and leave, but I wasn’t quite ready for my soaked walk of shame. I needed a minute to calm down. And where better to heal than in the water?

Well, you really mucked it up this time, Hannah, I thought to myself. Taking a deep breath, I let myself sink below the water’s surface just like I had as a child. I went down until I seated myself on the muddy bottom and let my arms drift out to my sides.

You tried, Hannah, I told myself. But had I? Had I really tried? I wasn’t sure I could honestly own that. I’d behaved poorly, and now I’d lost him. After a minute, I pushed myself up in need of air.

Glancing out at the water, my body racked with guilt as I fought my sobs. It was the first time I could remember the water not offering me comfort; not washing away my woes. I’d lost that, too. Slowly, I swam to the ladder and climbed out. I walked the pier and grabbed my shoes as I made my way to my car. Wren was inside, his house seemingly locked up tight. He’d even closed his garage doors—reaffirming I was no longer welcome here, that I was not part of his life anymore. As I pulled out of his driveway, the fan belt in my car squealed loudly, only adding to my humiliation. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t try to talk myself out of it.

I just let the tears fall freely.