Crazy Girl(47)

“She was going to tell you.”

“When?” I murmured. “When I got the invite to the house warming party?”

“She felt…bad, Hannah.”

I flicked my stare to hers in question. “Felt bad for what? Not telling me? Telling apparently everyone but me? Why?” I questioned in a quieter tone.

Deanna tilted her head, her eyes soft. “Because she felt like maybe you’d…” Pausing, she leaned back in her seat and sighed. She was struggling with her wording. But I knew what she was saying. They pitied me.

“That because I am where I am in life, I’d be jealous or resent her?” Could that really be it? Would Kate think that about me? I would never want any of my friends to think that. I was a grown woman. I was learning to accept my reality, but my loyalty and sentiments for my friends had never wavered. That hurt.

“Of course not. It’s just hard to have someone you love struggling, and then you’re over here doing something amazing. It feels unfair.”

Fought them as I may, my eyes welled up with tears. Was this what I had become to them? This person they felt so sorry for they felt they couldn’t share their joys with me? “Do you feel that way, too?” I asked, my voice husky with emotion. “That you have to dull your happiness to accommodate me?”

Her features went slack when she looked at me and realized how upset I was. I wasn’t a blubbering mess sprawled out on the floor throwing a tantrum, but I was hurting, shredded really. Discovering they felt this stung on many levels. First, I was the friend with nothing…something I already knew, but it was somehow more painful feeling like my friends felt sorry for me. I’d always decline when they wanted to pay for me. And felt happy to know their lives hadn’t gone down the crapper like mine. On another token, these women were my tribe. I, no matter how low in life, would always rally and cheer for them. I loved them and wanted nothing but the absolute best. Had I had moments of jealousy…maybe. But not over them…just for my own failures and shortcomings. I had tripped and fallen in life, and sometimes felt like everyone else was miles ahead of me. But that didn’t mean I would ever not want to hear of my best friends’ good fortune. It didn’t mean I didn’t, with all my heart believe, they deserved every wonderful thing they had going for them.

Maybe it was because she had the biggest heart of us all, or maybe it was because she was riddled with hormones from baby making, but Deanna started to cry, too. Great. Now I made my pregnant best friend cry. Hannah Birchim, for the win.

“It just feels so unfair sometimes,” she rasped before wiping at her nose with the back of her hand. Ugh, I hated to see her cry. It was like hurting Bambi; something too beautiful to be in pain.

“What’s unfair, sweetie?” I asked.

“Just what happened to you and everything you lost. You didn’t deserve it.”

I wiped under my eyes, deciding I needed to calm down. This conversation went way deeper than I ever imagined it could have. “I made some bad choices,” I told her, taking her hand in both of mine. “Lots of bad choices,” I added with a defeated huff. “You guys don’t need to take those on as well.”

“Not everything though, Hannah. Look how hard you worked. I know what it took for you to put yourself out there with those books. And you did it. You made it. It’s just such BS that you’re back at square one.” She took her cloth napkin and dabbed at her face, before adding, “Below square one.”

Ouch. I chuckled a little. Apparently, I was a little farther up Shit’s Creek than even I had thought. Me, the pillar of feeling sorry for myself, tried for a silver lining. “It’s not as bad as it could be.”

She rubbed her tiny belly with her free hand as she stared down at it. “Sometimes I feel like Allen and I have had it too good, ya know?”

Tilting my head, I said, “Too good?”

Her tear-filled stare met mine again. “I mean…we have the perfect marriage, great jobs, a beautiful home. And now…a baby. Everything we ever wanted. It just feels like we don’t deserve to have all of this, especially when someone like you is hurting in life.” It made me sad she felt this way. She deserved everything she had, and then some.

“Deanna, that’s ridiculous,” I scoffed, releasing her hand and leaning back in my chair.

With a soft voice, she added, “Life is unfair like that. And bad things happen to good people. I just know it can’t be this wonderful for us forever.”

Why was she talking like this? I had never been angry with Deanna a day in my life. But I felt a little pissed then. “Stop,” I said firmly. Her lip quivered, but she stilled when she heard the tone in my voice. “You deserve it all and more. My shit luck has nothing to do with you, you hear me?”

She bobbed her head once, her eyes filled with a sad shame.

“I’m okay,” I told her. The words felt funny, and I realized maybe it was because I didn’t quite feel okay, but somehow, I knew I would be…eventually. “I’m writing again. Like…real writing.”

Her mouth turned up into a sad smile. “That’s great, Hannah.”

“And it’s going to be good.” I tried my best at enthusiasm. “I can feel it.”

“I know it will,” she concurred.

“And everything is going to be great,” I went on. Why not. I figured maybe saying it enough would make it so. “Kate’s building a house, you’re going to a have a beautiful baby, and I’m going to publish a great book and get back on my feet. Courtney will still be up to her same hilarious antics. Everything will be as it should be.” I reached out and patted her hand.