Counting Down with You(82)
“Yeah.” Ace isn’t meeting my eyes. “But I didn’t want my dad or Xander to know. I already said I wasn’t going to college. I already said I didn’t care about school. My dad was so mad at me—he’s still mad at me, honestly. But it’s better than being invisible.”
“How could you ever be invisible?” I ask, thrown by the concept. Even before I was tutoring Ace, I knew of him. Everyone in our grade knows of him. “You’re so...bright.”
A smile touches Ace’s lips. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” My cheeks warm at the admission. “Back to what you were saying. Does your dad know you’re going to apply?”
“No. I’m not going to mention it to my dad or Xander, but I’m going to do it. This isn’t for them. It’s for me.” He glances at me and then looks away. “My family wants me to go to Yale, anyway. My grandfather went, my dad went, and now Xander’s going, too.” He shakes his head. “I’d rather go to NYU. If I can’t do that, I want to study astronomy anywhere except Yale.”
My heart feels like it’s going to burst with pride. “What changed your mind?”
“You,” Ace says simply.
I almost bite my tongue off in surprise. “Me?”
“Yes,” he says. “I thought about what you said about how hypocritical I was being, and realized you were right. I was telling you to live your life for yourself when I wasn’t living my own that way. And you were right about how that was a very privileged way to see things. We’re from two different worlds...but that doesn’t mean they can’t overlap. Even if it’s just one small, tiny inch. That’s enough for me.”
“How do you exist?” I ask, floored by the fact he’s sitting here with me and having such an open conversation. “How can you be real?”
“I ask myself that about you every day,” Ace says, reaching across the table to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. His skin is warm where it grazes mine.
A question rises to the tip of my tongue and, in the gentle glow of the candlelight, I let myself ask, “Why didn’t you show up that first day? To our tutoring session?”
Ace flushes, his cheek blooming with color, and looks away. “It’s stupid. Xander was nagging at me for slacking off so much, for focusing on the piano instead of my grades. He didn’t know about the tutoring thing, and I definitely wasn’t going to tell him. But then he got our dad involved and things went downhill.”
“What happened?” I ask.
“My dad grounded me and told me to come home immediately after school and study, and I—it was the first time in a while that he sounded concerned about me. Like he cared about me. I probably should have just told him the truth, but I couldn’t.” Ace grimaces. “So I went home instead of going to the library. I’m sorry. It was a jerk move.”
Having an explanation for that first day is strange. It feels both like it was weeks ago and just yesterday he failed to show up. “And then the next day? My study guide?”
Ace grimaces, running his hands through his hair. “Xander and I had a fight that morning. Ever since our mom left, we’ve grown apart. Before they split up, I was Mom’s favorite and he was Dad’s, and it evened out. But after she left, it wasn’t even anymore. He and Mom rarely talk anymore. I don’t know why.”
Briefly, I recall Xander checking out an Italian cookbook. I can’t help but wonder now if it was an attempt to connect with his estranged mother, who apparently loves cooking. I keep the thought to myself, unwilling to speculate about Ace’s family.
“Since she’s gone, Xander acts like we’re competing for our dad’s love. As if it’s something to win. I can’t stand it. I was skipping class that day, but then he saw me in the hallway and the first thing he did was rat me out to Miss Cannon.”
“So that’s why he showed up during English class,” I say, the memory flickering through my brain. “God. What’s his problem?”
“When you find out, let me know,” Ace says, a frown pulling at his mouth. “While we were talking, Miss Cannon said you left something on my desk, so I grabbed it.”
I nod, remembering his entrance all too well.
“When I came back out with the study guide, Xander saw it. ‘Ace, you’re actually studying? I’m so proud. I never thought the day would come. Miss Cannon, it’s a modern-day miracle!’ I didn’t have it in me to stand there and put up with his condescending bullshit, so I threw the study guide in the recycling bin, flipped him off, and walked away. I came back for it later, but I guess you must’ve gotten to it before I could.” Ace looks up at me, a rueful expression on his face.
“You’re lucky the recycling bin was empty,” I say lightly, nudging his foot under the table.
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell Miss Cannon what I did. You know, that’s why I was intrigued by you at first. I’m so used to being in trouble because of Xander, and it was kind of nice to not have to worry about that.” A sheepish smile flits across Ace’s lips. “I might have a trust issue or two.”
I consider his words, flipping them over and over in my head as I try to work through them. The first thing he ever asked me was why I didn’t tell Miss Cannon about him skipping our meeting. It makes sense now.