Counting Down with You(79)

But I want to be with him.

I want to go prom with him, like any other teenage girl. I want to look across a dance floor and see him walking toward me, holding twin cups of punch. I want to slow dance with him under flickering lights, the sound of our heartbeats echoing in our ears. I want it all.

I’m willing to lie to my parents and hide our relationship from them if that’s what it takes. I was afraid at first, but the longer I go without speaking to Ace, the more certain I am that this is something I don’t want to lose.

Studying English is something I can’t do without confronting my parents, without fighting them over my future, but this thing with Ace doesn’t have to be.

This can be mine and mine alone.

when prometheus promised us fire
did he know it would live inside your eyes?
did he know I would turn to ashes
to keep that flame alive?
I will kindle all that remains
even if my skin becomes a torch
even if my mouth tastes like a dying sun
I will burn for you
I will burn for you
I will burn for you
If he’s okay with limitations on our relationship, if he’s okay with understanding that, until we get to college, this is something we’ll have to be careful with, then there’s no reason for me to sit by and let these feelings pass without acting on them.

I didn’t think I had it in me to be this brave. But after everything, I know I don’t have any other choice.

I have to be brave.

For my own happiness.

The competition ends too quickly. I look up and realize Samir’s team won.

I guess it’s not that surprising, because he is smart, but I can’t help but wonder what it’d be like if he lost. I wonder if my parents would care. Maybe they’d yell at him instead of me for once.

When we get home, I head to my room, but Samir stops me. His expression makes me uneasy. “What, Samir?”

“I’m sorry, Myra Apu,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “I didn’t think you’d get in trouble because of what I said. I should’ve realized they’d be upset because Ace is a dude, but I figured it wasn’t that deep. I thought as long as I kept the crush thing to myself, it’d be fine. That was my bad. I’m sorry. Really.”

My resentment falters. I wasn’t expecting an apology, but I realize a small part of me hoped for one. I’m both surprised and relieved.

“Thank you for apologizing,” I say quietly.

“If you ever want to...” He doesn’t finish the sentence. “I won’t ever mention Ace to them again without talking to you about it first. I promise. For real this time. Sorry again.”

I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. “Thank you.”

He stands there awkwardly for another moment before he nods and turns away, heading to his room as I head for mine.

Samir’s apology stirs something in me, and I’m struck with the urge to act now. I need to make an apology of my own. I need to make a confession of my own.

I can do this.

I light a cinnamon-scented candle and take a deep breath. Before I can overthink the situation, I grab my phone and text Ace, I’m sorry.

What I don’t expect is for my phone to start vibrating. Alistair Clyde would like to FaceTime...

I waver, looking at myself in the screen. I look like I’ve been lying in bed all day, my hair ratty and piled in a high bun and my eyes droopy with dark circles underneath. I didn’t put any effort into looking good for Samir’s competition. I regret it now.

But I’m not ignoring Ace anymore. I don’t want him to think I am.

With trembling fingers, I accept the call.

“Karina?” Ace says, his voice hesitant.

I lick my lips. “I’m sorry I took so long. Things have just been...a lot.”

“No apologies, remember?” Ace smiles but it fades quickly. “You picked up.”

“I did,” I say quietly. He’s leaning against his bed frame, in a sweater that looks fuzzy and warm. I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around his neck and breathe him in. But there are more important things. If I don’t say this now, I’m never going to. “I want to do this.”

“Do what?” Ace asks, blinking at me.

I take a deep breath. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. “This thing you and I have. I want it to be real. I don’t want to pretend anymore.”

It takes a moment but then Ace’s lips part. He’s staring at me like I’m going to disappear right before his eyes. “You want to—really?”

I nod, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth. “It’s not going to be easy.” My phone is shaking in my hands. “It’s going to be so far from easy.”

Ace’s gaze is so intense that I feel pinned to the spot. “I don’t care what’s easy, Karina. You’re worth it.”

I laugh, half-hysterical. “You would say that.”

“I’m serious,” he says, conviction heavy in his voice.

I smile faintly. “You should back out while you still can. Doing this...this thing with me is a lot to handle. I have a lot of lines. I’ll understand if you want to call it quits. You don’t owe me anything.”

Ace starts shaking his head before I even finish speaking. “I’ll take my chances,” he says. He scans my expression before he asks, “What made you change your mind?”