Can't Let Go(28)

She wondered, if he did find someone new, would he be happy? Would he be able to forget how strong their connection had been?

Or would he feel the same as she did, knowing her relationship was nothing more than a lifeless shell in comparison to what they’d had?

Her thoughts would often shift to her own future at this point, and she would contemplate her own impending happiness, attempting to convince herself that she could have it with Eric. He was a good man—he could give his wife a life to be dreamed about. A nice house, a comfortable living, luxurious vacations…

Anything but a family, anyway.

Because, even if he said that someday he wanted one, she knew he was lying. He was only trying to placate her. Only trying to give her something to hold on to, something to hope for. It wasn’t his fault, really. She knew what she was getting herself into, and she was going along with it.

Something inside her was convinced that, if Logan wasn’t going to be in her life, then it wouldn’t be such a disappointment not to have a family either. Whenever she closed her eyes and pictured her future children, there wasn’t a single one that didn’t have his dark disheveled hair or his intense gray eyes. She imagined little boys with his devilish grin and little girls with his perfect smile.

Being with Logan had reminded her of everything that she had once hoped for. And without him, she felt as if her dreams had gone too. The future was something not to look forward to, but to simply survive.

Whenever she began to think like this, she would scold herself. She had gone through the same thing the first time she and Logan had broken up. She knew exactly what it was that she suffered from—she’d dealt with it before, she could do it again. Getting over a broken heart had been difficult, but it hadn’t been impossible.

Of course, it had helped to have Hayley. Hayley, who had routinely called and forced Abby out of bed. Who had, day after day, encouraged Abby to breathe.

And now she had no one. Sure, she had other friends—but none who had known her as well as Hayley, Blake, or Logan.

She had asked one of her bridesmaids to be her maid of honor. Jenny had grown up with she and Hayley, as had most of the girls in the wedding. They had never been all that close, but Jenny had been the only one not to turn her back on Hayley after she’d married Blake. That was enough for Abby.

The months had passed, the wedding quickly approaching. Abby found herself concentrating more and more on the details so as to distract herself from the reality surrounding her. It was almost torturous, she thought, having so much free time to try and waste away. So much time to sit and think, to ponder the possibilities, to imagine different realities. No matter how many trips to the caterers and dress fittings she scheduled, there was never enough to do.

Abby sighed heavily as she stood in front of the mirror, Jenny standing behind her, pulling the zipper upward. It was to be the final fitting before the wedding, which was taking place in less than a couple short weeks.

“Whoa, Abby—have you been doing some enhancement exercises?” Jenny exclaimed and Abby stirred herself to the present.

“No—what—”

“Well, whatever you’ve been doing, I want in on it. Look at those things!” And for the first time, Abby actually looked in the mirror. She almost laughed—Jenny was right. The dress felt a bit tighter than it had the last time she’d tried it on and she had definitely developed cleavage that she hadn’t previously had.

“It’s probably just the bra—I got something with a little push-up.” Abby did giggle then, covering her mouth with her hand. “I didn’t think I’d get this much, though.”

“Well, remind me to get the info from you. Sean would just die.” Sean was Jenny’s husband—they’d been married nearly a year now. “Should we have it taken out a bit?”

“Does it look bad?” Abby watched as Jenny’s eyes roamed over her reflection.

“Well, I don’t think so. I mean, isn’t the wedding a bit more on the conservative side, though?” Jenny had a point. “You could just try a different bra.” Abby considered it for several long moments, staring at her reflection.

“No, it’ll be fine.” Abby decided, shaking her head. She could already see the look in Eric’s eyes when he saw her—of course he wouldn’t approve. But she heard Hayley’s voice in her mind, telling her that it shouldn’t matter what she wore down the aisle. Abby thought she looked lovely—a little stiff, but still beautiful.

“Good—I think it’ll add a little bit of flare to this event. Give ‘em something to talk about.” It sounded like something Hayley might say. Abby smiled sadly at the woman standing behind her.

“Thank you for doing this, Jenny,” she said quietly.

“Of course, Abby. I know I’m no Hayley—but I’m honored that you would ask me to—” The woman broke off, unsure of how to finish her sentence. “Hayley was something special, that’s all.”

“You’re a good friend.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Jenny replied, smiling brightly. “I’m gonna be a jealous friend when the time comes to watch you walk down that aisle. You’re going to be absolutely stunning.”

“It’s just a dress.” She said, turning her eyes back to her reflection. She looked more like a princess than she’d ever hoped to look—lost amidst the fluff and frills of the dress. It was just a dress, she repeated to herself. In her mind, an alternate reality flashed—she wore something elegant but simple, flowers in her hair. She would be marrying outside, a thick woods nearby. Her reception would take place right there beneath the shelter of the trees—a casual affair. Not quite as casual as Hayley’s had been, but some sort of balance between the two.

But her reality was a striking contrast. She would marry in a church, surrounded by people she barely even acquainted with. Afterward, she would continue on to some lush country-club for some extravagant sit-down dinner. Everything was completely coordinated, narrowed down to a schedule.

She sighed, looking away from her reflection. Speaking of schedules…she had one to keep. This had been the last stop for the night, but she still had to go home and prepare dinner for Eric and pack up his bags to take him to the airport. “I think this will do,” Abby spoke at last, turning to the seamstress who stood further back, giving the girl and her friend time to talk amongst themselves.

“You’ll look stunning, dear.” Abby only nodded. She’d heard it so many times now, she was certain it was a line everyone fed to the bride—whether there was truth to it or not. “Would you like to take it home tonight?” Abby thought about it for a moment.

“Actually, I’ll be in the area tomorrow—I can just stop by and get it then. My fiancé will be out of town for the next several days, so I won’t have to worry about him snooping around.”

“You won’t see him before the wedding?” Abby shook her head.

“He’s leaving for a business trip tonight. Won’t be home until just a day or so before the wedding.” She wondered if she should be as relieved about this as she seemed to be. Shouldn’t a bride be saddened by the thought of not seeing her groom? But—no, to her, it was almost a relief. She could, for at least a short period of time, allow the façade to fall. She could let her guard down. She didn’t have to pretend to be a happy bride-to-be.

“Well, all the more reason he’ll find you radiant the day of your wedding.” Abby forced a smile, stepping down off the pedestal and allowing the seamstress to help her out of the dress.

“I’m going to take off, Abby. Remember, I’m just a phone call away if you need the company.” Abby smiled at her friend, nodding her head. Jenny really was a good friend.

She took care of a few of the last minute details before exiting the building and making her way to the car. As soon as she sat down, she was suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion. She hesitated a moment, resting her head on the steering wheel, breathing deeply. She’d tired so easily for the last couple of months—she wondered if carrying on as she was—putting on such a show—was draining her.

Another reason to be grateful for the break. It was exactly what she needed.

Of course, she still had many things to tend to in his absence. She had last minute details to cover with all of her vendors, arrangements to be made, conversations to be had. Not to mention her own appointments. She had plenty to keep her busy. But she wouldn’t have to lay awake at night, pretending to sleep, as Eric lay next to her.

She knew he was growing frustrated with her sudden chastity. It had been months since they’d been intimate—since even before the accident. But ever since she’d come home…even the idea of kissing Eric was too much. She was sure he’d put it off as part of her grief—and he was a gentleman, so he would never push her for something she wasn’t ready for. But she knew her time was running out.