Bullet(80)

I was smiling before I even turned around. “Glad you’re still not believing everything you hear.”

Clay had a huge grin on his face. “Val. How the hell are you?”

I walked over and hugged him. It just felt natural. Oh, I’d forgotten how nice his body felt. “I’m doing great.”

“So what the hell have you been doing?” He tugged at my jacket…underneath I was wearing just a thin pink camisole. “What inspired this?”

I shrugged. “We need to stand out of the crowd, you know. Just because we’re making good music doesn’t mean anything. I mean…I look at all the other bands out there. So I asked myself what I could do to make an impression on our audience.”

“You definitely did. The buzz out there right now is insane.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Trust me—you’ve forced your audience to step up a notch. I was out there. I felt it.”

I was feeling like a bug under a microscope, and I was pleasantly surprised, because I hadn’t thought Clay had seen our show. “So what’s new with you, Clay?”

Oh, that smile was his happy smile, his truly contented and okay-with-the-world smile. I’d hardly ever seen it, but I loved it. “We’re pretty sure we’ve got a contract with a major label.”

“Yeah? Which one?”

“I don’t wanna say…don’t wanna jinx it. But we won’t know till next week. I’ll tell you then.”

I nodded. “Good luck.”

“You sticking around for the whole show?”

“I think so. Got any new tunes?”

“Always.”

When I watched his band that night, I was impressed. It had only been a few months since I’d seen them, but they were even better. There was something…and it took me a while to figure out what it was. They seemed more cohesive, more in tune with each other, like they hadn’t been on the same wavelength before and now they were. They seemed to play almost intuitively, as though if one of them decided to veer off the worn path, the others would sense it and follow. It was amazing to watch, and if I hadn’t seen them play together so much before, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed.

After they played, Clay tracked me down in the audience. I’d never before seen the fourth band who was playing next, and they were good, but I thought they were having an off night. Or maybe they just couldn’t hold a candle to Last Five Seconds. So when Clay said in my ear, “Let’s go talk,” and he grabbed my hand, I agreed.

This particular venue had more backstage room than a lot of other places we’d played, and we were actually able to find a couple of chairs. We sat and talked for a long time. He caught me up on what had been happening with LFS and what had led up to the possibility of recording a real album that would be in stores nationwide.

“Wow. Sounds like it’s really gonna happen.”

He grinned, “I think it is, and if it does, I want you to know…if we have any influence—you know, any pull—not just you but a lot of other bands will come along for the ride.”

“That’s awesome, Clay, but you guys worry about you first. I’m sure there’s a lot that’ll happen that neither of us have any clue about.” I don’t know why I did, but I just grabbed his hand that had been resting on his thigh in my two smaller ones and squeezed. Clay, one of the most genuine guys I’d ever met, and I felt like he needed a little extra support. He was excited about what was coming…but he was nervous too. I could tell.

“Yeah…” I saw that look in his eye and my body remembered…remembered all those hot sweaty nights and days together. It didn’t take much and suddenly I was primed. So when he leaned forward to kiss me, you better believe I responded. I was on his lap and his hands were under my jacket, touching the skin on my back under the camisole before I was fully in the moment.

Oh, God, I’d forgotten what an incredible kisser he was, and I’d forgotten all the sensations I’d never tired of with him. So when his lips moved to my neck and I felt my nipples turn rigid, like bullets ready to drill through his chest, my fingers entwined themselves in his hair, and I was ready to give in to every animal desire in my body.

But something…something inside me grabbed my consciousness and told me to wake up. It was then that I knew I loved Clay, but it wasn’t the kind of love I knew I needed to feel to sustain a relationship. And if I let myself go down this path, this time would lead to heartbreak. I knew that. I’d already felt a large empty hole after we’d decided we weren’t working before. How would I feel if I just let myself go?

I don’t think he felt the same way, because he said, “Stay with me tonight.”

We were still locked in a tight embrace, but his words were a jolt. I was at a crossroads, and I had to make a decision. Oh, I wanted him. I wanted him just as badly as I ever had. And I would have loved a man’s touch. It had been a while, and my body craved nourishment that only a man could give. But…

It took everything I had to loosen my grip on his hair and slide my hands down to his chest, holding them as if in a defensive motion. I had to be honest. I had never lied to Clay, and I didn’t plan to now. “Part of me really wants to.” I sighed, absorbed by that intense gaze. “But I can’t, Clay. I just…”

His eyes were dark, but he managed a smile. “Just can’t do the one-night thing, can ya?”

He knew me too well. I smiled back. “Oh, I’m sure I could. I just think I’d regret it.”

“Yeah, I know you would, and that’s what I love about ya.”

So, deep down, I think Clay and I both knew we had a mutual admiration, respect, and even love for each other, but we knew there was nothing permanent in the cards. And while I wouldn’t have minded one more night with Jet, I’d finally started feeling good about being single for a while. Being with him—even just one night—would have wrecked it. I would have had to start all over, and I didn’t think my fragile young heart could take it.

And, I thought, that was that. But the next day, before I got ready to leave for work, Ethan knocked on my bedroom door. “Can I come in for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure.” I was standing at my dresser, pulling my hair into a ponytail.

He sat on my bed, and I could see his face through the mirror. “You and that Jet douchebag getting back together?”

“Why would you care?”

“Ah, come on, Val. You know exactly why.”

“It’s really none of your business, but no.”

He nodded slowly, taking in my words, letting them sink in. “Why didn’t we work out, Val?”

Was he f*cking with me? Or did he really not remember? Had he been so high for months and months he couldn’t remember the morning I told him we were through? I wanted to scream at him, Because you were a cheating *! But I didn’t. I maintained my composure, and my voice was as calm as a lake on a balmy summer day. “Because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants.”

He gave me a cocky grin that—had I not been remembering how he’d broken my heart—would have melted my thighs. “I thought you preferred it out.” I turned around and sneered and then sat on the edge of my little twin bed so I could put my work shoes on. I could have kept up the clever banter all day, but I was over it. I decided not to say anything. “Would you consider trying again?”

I couldn’t believe he wanted to have this conversation…right here, right now. Clay and I might have once again walked away from each other and saved ourselves a little heartache, but that didn’t mean my heart wasn’t feeling any pains from it. Still…deep down I loved Ethan more than I had any right to. It wasn’t rational, but I did, and part of me hoped that maybe someday it could work. After tying one shoe, I rested the other ankle on the opposite knee to slide the last shoe on. I said, “Not right now.” After tightening the lace, I set my foot on the floor and turned so I could look Ethan in the eye. “Ethan, you’re still in love with the shit you take. I can’t handle that. And until you give it up, we will never work.”

“What do you mean the shit I take?”

“You know what I mean—I’m talking about the stuff you smoke, drink, snort, shoot up. Am I forgetting anything?”

His mouth wrinkled up. “I thought it was the other girls.”

Ah…so he did remember. The bastard. I just nodded and stood. I had a job to go to.

“What if I gave them up?”

I felt the air leave my lungs. “The drugs or the girls?”

“Both.”

I grabbed my purse off the floor by the door and said, “See me when you do. Then we can talk.” And I left. But don’t think my walk to work was a fun one. All I could think about was Clay…and Ethan. But that wall I’d put up to protect myself from poisonous Ethan? It had to stay up. That boy had the potential to trash my heart for good, and it was my responsibility to see that it didn’t happen.