Broken Pasts(31)

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Nathaniel and I lay together in a sweaty tangle of sore flesh with my head on his chest and his arm around my waist. He had one hand on my belly and was looking at my scar, not judging, just looking.

“Tell me about it,” he said as his fingers traced the rough flesh. “Tell me about everything.” I sighed and tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let me. He held me there so tightly that it brought tears to my eyes. Not once had I ever had anyone hold me like that, like I was so precious that they were afraid they might lose me. It was a feeling that I could get used to.

“I was pregnant once,” I said, starting from the beginning. It was as good a place as any considering I'd had a normal childhood, an average family, a simple life. At least before I'd met him. “With Glen. We, um … ” I trailed off because it was hard to think of Glen with Nathaniel's sexy body wrapped around mine. I'd have much rather gone for seconds, thank you very much. But he needed to know this stuff, had to know it if he was going to get involved with me in any fashion. My past had scared off more than one man in my past. “We got married young and his life goal was to have kids, so … ” I trailed off because it sounded so stupid from this point in my life, like that girl was someone else. Someone who was so afraid of their own heart that they'd used logic when they should've trusted in the deepest part of themselves. I shivered, despite Nathaniel's heat. “We had trouble getting pregnant at fist, and Glen was always blaming me, yelling … I should've cut off his balls when I had the chance.” Nathaniel laughed and snuggled tightly against me, breathing against my hair and giving me the chills, the good kind.

“Want me to do it for you?” he asked, and I smiled.

“I'll get around to it,” I said. “At least metaphorically speaking.” I placed my hand over Nathaniel's and knew that if it had been his child in there, and I'd been his wife, bleeding all over the hospital floor, that things would've been different. He'd have fought for me. “Anyway, we filled out some adoption paperwork. I was a little young, but Glen's father was someone important.” I waved my hand dismissively. I couldn't be bothered with those details. They didn't matter, not anymore. “And we got approved three days before I found out that I was finally pregnant. I had to beg Glen not to back out of the application.” I shook my head and tried to forget the fights and the screaming and the crying. “Anyway, one day I woke up with blood just … just f*cking everywhere.” I held out my hands to either side, but I didn't cry, not anymore. I'd cried a whole ocean of tears over this. The world had seen enough of my sorrow. “I had to have emergency surgery and when they were in there, they found something.” I clenched my teeth and tried not to scream. “Without my permission, they performed a double oophorectomy. So I lost my baby and my ovaries all in one shot.” I sighed heavily and tried to spare Nathaniel the gory details. “So I can't have biological children.” I swallowed hard and waited for him to change, to act differently towards me. It had happened to me before. More than once.

“You have Rhea,” he whispered softly. “So I think you made out like a bandit.” I tried to keep the grin off my face, but I couldn't. I turned to Nathaniel, tried to kiss him, but he pulled away and my heart ceased beating for a moment. Is this where he tells me that we made a mistake? I opened my mouth to say something when Nathaniel wrapped his hands around mine and looked at me with all of those secrets burning in his eyes.

I stared back at him and realized that I was mistaken. Not secrets, secret. A big one, a life changer, something that could ruin what we hadn't even had the chance to build.

“Theresa,” he told me, voice low, serious, and dark. He was going to a different place, Nathaniel Sutherland was, and I was almost afraid to follow him there. Almost. “I have to tell you this. What you do with the information is up to you, but you have to know.” I took a deep breath and nodded, prepared for the worst.

“Give me your best shot,” I said as he locked eyes with me and took me up on that offer.

“I'm a murderer.”





CHAPTER 21

I am definitely messed up, I thought as I stared at Nathaniel. My man of mystery was exactly what I had thought he'd be – trouble. Still, I knew the circumstances, so I was willing to hear him out.

“Gillian's ex?” I asked, hoping that this wasn't going to be some horrible climax where Nathaniel admitted that he was actually the one that had killed his wife and went all psycho on me. I stared into his eyes and wondered how stupid I could possibly be to even think that. He nodded and closed his eyes like he was remembering something he'd rather forget.

“As long as we're telling secrets here,” he said. “I have to do this.” He opened his eyes and looked me straight in the face. “Besides Cedric, you're the only person in the world I'm going to tell this to.” Nathaniel grabbed my hand and put it to his lips, pressing his hot mouth to my skin. “If you feel the need to kick me out or turn me in, follow your conscious, Theresa.”

“Nope,” I said, kissing him fierce and hard. “The only thing I'm following now is my heart. Say what you need to say and then let's bury our pasts together.” Nathaniel brushed my hair away from my face and tried to smile, but it wouldn't take, not yet, not while he was still holding this all back from me.

“I didn't come home to find Gillian dead,” Nathaniel admitted as if he was ashamed at himself for lying. “I came home to find her dying. I saw Tom plunge the screwdriver into her chest for the last time. I saw her seeing me and saying goodbye as she collapsed to the floor. And then I was standing over him and the screwdriver was in my hands… ” Nathaniel stopped speaking and sat up. I could feel his stress like we were connected, feel it flowing from his skin and into mine. “I'm not a violent man, Theresa, but I will defend the ones I love,” he said. “Or at the very least, I'd die trying. Instead I ended up in a pool of blood with Gillian's body on one side and Tom's on the other. I killed him and I don't even remember it, not a single moment. One second he was standing and the next he was falling.” I leaned my head on Nathaniel's chest for moral support and tried to relax as he put his arms around me. He needed me just as much as I needed him. Our broken pasts were rising to the surface, but they weren't going to stay there for long. “I called Cedric and he helped me stage the crime scene. Fortunately,” he said, and I could see that he was choking on that word, like he was disgusted with himself for even saying it. “For me, it was an open and shut case, but you have to know because one day, they could reopen it and come for me. There's always that possibility.”

“And one day you could realize how much trouble I am. There's always that possibility.” Nathaniel laughed, not his chocolate laugh, it wasn't the right moment for that, but his real one, the one that was so human. It was nice to see that I could break the tension. I tried to be surprised or disgusted or angry with him, but I couldn't drum up any of those emotions. All I felt was sad. I wanted to scoop Nathaniel up and take him away from that pain, and if I was reading his face right, he wanted to do that very same thing with me.

Unfortunately for us, Gary had other plans.

When Nathaniel's phone rang, he didn't ignore it much as I wanted him to. After all, he was a bodyguard first and foremost. His instincts paid off as he dug around in his discarded pants. When he found the phone, he looked up at me with a frown.

“It's my friend from the police station,” he said and answered it with a somber hello. As he listened on the other line, I stood up and grabbed my robe, wrapping it tightly around myself to ward off the chill that was creeping up through the wood floor and winding its way through my body. Nathaniel was putting his pants back on. Not a good sign. “Okay,” he said. “And thank you.” When he hung up, his face was grim.

“What?” I asked, feeling like I might burst if he didn't tell me right then and there. “Did they find Gary?”

“They searched his house, but he wasn't there,” Nathaniel said and then paused as if he wasn't sure he should share his next bit of information with me.

“Nathaniel,” I began and yes, I was using my 'mom' tone, so sue me. This was serious. “We just spilled our deepest, darkest secrets. Don't back out on me now.” He nodded and picked up his jacket, removing the pistol from the holster, a move that scared the crap out of me.

“Gary had … pictures of you. Hundreds of them stapled to the wall, in drawers, spread out across his bed. He had a … shrine, I guess you'd call it, in his closet. There was a lock of your hair, a pair of your shoes, even … ” Nathaniel stopped talking like he was ashamed with himself, as if this was somehow his fault. “Your empty gun case.” I didn't waste time arguing or questioning him, I just threw myself to the floor and reached up inside my box spring. He was right; the case was gone. “I'm sorry,” Nathaniel told me as I rose to my feet and looked at him with an expression of desperation plastered across my features. “I should've been more careful. I – ” I put my hands on his upper arms and squeezed gently.