Black Buck(65)

When I got outside, I saw Mr. Rawlings sitting on a bench outside, wearing green slacks and suspenders.

“Where you been, boy?” he said, looking up, covering his eyes from the sun. “Been lookin’ for you for days. Your momma went to the hospital Wednesday night, but no one could reach you. I tried callin’, but your phone was off.”

I didn’t sit. I just stared at him sitting there with a wrinkled hand over his eyes. “Did you know?”

He lowered his hand, rubbing it on his pants before grabbing his rosewood cane.

“Did you know?” I repeated.

Mr. Rawlings gripped his cane tighter, rocking back and forth. He let out a lungful of air and nodded. “She tol’ me not to say anythin’. I tol’ her you needed to know, but she made me promise.”

I tried to swallow but felt my throat catch like I was choking. Once the air was able to pass, I looked at him, but he couldn’t look at me. “After the funeral,” I said, “on Sunday, I want you to take your things and go.”

He looked up at me for a long while, sucked his teeth, then waved me off. “Boy, I know it’s a tough time, but stop playin’.”

“Who’s playin’?”

“What, you mad because I didn’ say anythin’? Maybe if you wasn’ runnin’ ’round day and night, gettin’ into trouble with those white folk in Manhattan, you woulda seen that she was losin’ weight, havin’ trouble breathin’, and forgettin’ things. Don’ put none of that on me. Be a man and accept responsibility.”

I gritted my teeth, shoving my fist into my pocket instead of crashing it into his face. “I am a man,” I spat.

“Then act like one.” He got up and leaned onto his cane, coming face-to-face with me. “I been livin’ at that house from before you was born, boy. From way before you was even a glint in your daddy’s eye. I ain’ goin’ nowhere.”

“You will,” I said, anger taking hold of me.

He reached out for my hand, but I pulled away as if he were diseased. “Please, boy. I got no people, nowhere to go. I been good to you your whole life, was friends with your momma and your daddy and your momma’s people before they passed.”

I didn’t say anything, didn’t move. Just stared at his face, his trembling lips.

“I’m an old man,” he begged, leaning toward me. “I can’ jus’ get up and move my life somewhere from the place it’s always been. I been like a grandfather to you. Please don’ do this to me.”

“I’m not doin’ this to you,” I said. “You did it to yourself. And I expect you and all of your things to be gone by Monday.”

“But where will I go?” He brought a crumpled napkin to his eye. “I have nowhere to go, boy.”

“Figure it out,” I said, walking away from him, from the hospital where Ma’s frozen body was, from everyone who had ever hurt me.



* * *





I made arrangements with the church on Saturday, then spent the rest of the day in bed with the shades drawn, replaying the last few months in my head, but this time, the truth was superimposed on every scene. Ma telling me she was okay when she knew she wasn’t. Mr. Rawlings asking me about Ma when he knew she was dying. Soraya telling me she’d always be there for me only to turn into someone else once I tried to better myself. Jason claiming he was looking out for me when he was actually trying to bring me down the minute I began to succeed.

When I realized it was Sunday, I got dressed and walked to the church. Dozens of men and women sat in the pews. Mr. Rawlings sat in the front row across the aisle from me. Since Ma and I didn’t have any living relatives, I was alone. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Rhett, Frodo, Marissa, and Eddie were standing there. I asked them to sit next to me, and Rhett held my hand, not letting go.

Before the sermon began, Soraya, Mr. Aziz, Jason, and Wally Cat took a seat next to Mr. Rawlings. Jason looked at me and turned away after our eyes met. Soraya rested her head on Mr. Aziz’s shoulder, crying as she stared at the casket.

After we buried Ma at the gravesite, a few women tried pushing food on me and said they’d like to come over to talk. I declined. I didn’t know these people and certainly didn’t want to entertain them back at the house. Instead, I hopped into an Uber SUV with Rhett and the other Sumwunners and headed home.

“Sorry, bud,” Rhett said, gripping my knee as we sat in the living room.

“Yeah, I’m real sorry,” Frodo said, stuffing his face with something.

Marissa cut her eyes at him. “Where’d you get that?”

“I heard some of the women discussing all the food they made, so I offered to bring a few trays over so, you know, it didn’t go to waste.”

I went up to my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed. I felt grateful for the Sumwunners being there, but I was exhausted.

There was a knock at the door. It’s probably Frodo with a plate of food. I told him to come in.

But when the door opened, it was Soraya standing there in a long-sleeved black dress, staring at me. “Why haven’ you been pickin’ up your phone?” she asked, sitting on the bed next to my legs.

“My phone broke,” I said, unable to look at her. I wanted her to leave.