Behind the Courtesan(31)

Everywhere Blake turned, he saw red. Was he angry with her or himself? Both if he had to be honest. He’d wanted to sleep with her. Hell, he’d wanted anything she would offer like a pup waiting for a crumb, anything the duchess would throw his way and then when he had her, he had to go and ruin it all. The story of his life lately.

Why couldn’t he wake her up with his hands, his lips, his mouth? Why hadn’t he stayed in her bed, her curves all snuggled into his side and done the right thing? Instead he’d woken, realized he’d taken advantage of a drunken friend and then dressed hoping to slink out and not say a word about the night. Pretend it never happened so he wouldn’t be tempted to do it again.

But then she sighed and shuffled as she rose from a deep sleep to awareness and he’d wanted to look into her eyes. He’d wanted to hear what her first words for the morning would be, see her tousled hair on his pillows in the bed that was his before he’d given it up for her. He craved that kind of domestic bliss with her, but then he’d opened his mouth and ruined it all. Again. Damn her! Damn him!

When his feet hit the ground after climbing down the side of the wall outside the kitchens, he didn’t stop. He stomped right to the barn and threw the doors open. What did make him pause was the realization that he couldn’t saddle his barrel of a horse and ride out his frustration in the cool country air.

Frantically he searched for something else, something else that could take the weight of his anger but there was nothing here. He would have to chop wood. Lots of wood. When he turned to leave, a shadow fell over the ground before him.

“Matthew? What are you doing here?”

“I told Sophie I would chop the firewood for the day. What is going on?”

“You shouldn’t be here right now. I’m not...myself at all.”

“What happened? Did you fight with Sophie again? Please tell me you didn’t.”

“It’s none of your business. What happened is between Sophie and me and that is how it will stay.”

“Fine, I will go and ask her what happened.”

“Don’t go anywhere near her.”

Matthew stepped toward him, his face grim. Blake stepped back.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. A mistake.” He used her words and it cut him to the bone. A mistake was when you added salt to your custard instead of sugar. Or when you didn’t saddle your horse right and fell off because of it. Sleeping with her hadn’t been a mistake. He’d wanted to. Hell he still wanted to. He groaned.

“Is she all right?” her brother asked, his fists clenched.

Blake wanted to tell him the truth. Then Matthew could swing the first punch and Blake could let his frustrations go, but his friend didn’t deserve that. As much as Blake wanted to hit someone or something, it would not be Matthew Martin.

He turned away from his old friend, unable to look him in the eye and say nothing happened, that Sophie was fine, that everything was fine. The red-hot fury faded to a kind of numb desolation. Damn.

“I’m serious, Blake, if you don’t tell me what happened, I’ll ask her and she’ll tell me and then I’ll come back and...” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to.

“I slept with her.” He still had his back to Matthew; he couldn’t bear it.

“Did she consent?”

He didn’t have to look around. He heard Matthew’s teeth grind while he waited for an answer. “She started it.”

“Are you blaming her?” Another shuffling step.

Blake finally faced his friend, the man who knew him better than any other. “We were drunk and our clothing wet. I would have walked away, I swear, but she... She was very persuasive. I couldn’t say no.”

“That’s my sister you’re talking about, Blake. Be very, very careful.”

“I’m so sorry, Matthew.”

“Do you think I’m the one you should apologize to? From the look on your face when I came in, you should be saying sorry to Sophie for whatever it was you did.”

“You don’t understand.” He borrowed her words again, the meaning finally beginning to sink in to his thick head. “I really began to admire her.”

“You say that as if it’s a bad thing. She’s an admirable woman.”

Blake shook his head. “If only I’d seen that sooner.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s got you looking as if you lost your best friend?”

“I think I just did lose my best friend.” He slumped down the side of a stall to the dusty ground and put his head on his knees. He hoped it wasn’t true. God, he hoped he hadn’t ruined everything. He’d loved once; he still did in a way.

“Why don’t you go and tell her that? Why don’t you go and throw yourself at her feet and beg for her mercy? She’s not the woman you thought her to be when she first arrived. She will forgive you.”

Blake was saved any reply when Dominic walked a majestic black horse into his barn. It was possibly one of the finest horses he’d ever seen, other than Blakiston’s own steeds. “Is that St. Ives’?” he asked the young man.

“It is. He came up for Blakiston’s auction. He asked to see you when you’re free.”

“So it’s true?” Matthew breathed once the lad had gone into another stall.

“It must be. But surely Blakiston doesn’t need the money? He’s bleeding us all dry already. What could he possibly need more for? Unless he’s thinking about adding to that damned house out there.” Blakiston Manor was huge and imposing and didn’t need to be upgraded. Well, not since Blake had last seen it as a teen.

“I had better see what St. Ives wants.”

“Are you going to talk to Sophie?” Matthew asked, brushing dirt and hay from his dark trousers.

“If she will let me anywhere near her. If St. Ives will let me anywhere near her. If he finds out what happened, it may be the end of us both.”

“Don’t let him find out.”

As they walked through the double barn doors and into the yard, Blake looked up to her window, the same window he’d fled only hours earlier. The couple he saw silhouetted stopped him in his tracks. “That’d be easier said than done,” Blake muttered with a curse and a gesture toward the inn’s second floor.

* * *

Sophie sighed into St. Ives’ familiar warmth and breathed his scent. He was spicy and sweet while remaining masculine and forbidding. How she loved to hug the man. With her emotions crumbling around her she needed to hug him, to know he was there for her.

Over his shoulder, she saw Blake enter the yard with Matthew. Even with the distance, it was impossible to mistake the hard lines of his face, the tension in his shoulders and the disapproval in his eyes. He must certainly now think her lower than a whore. Not that she cared. He’d done nothing but belittle her since she arrived. To think that their truce could have survived intimacy had been a mistake on her part. One of many to add to the still growing list. She wondered if he would have acted differently had he known she’d cut her ties with St. Ives before traveling to Blakiston.

She pulled out of the duke’s embrace to put some air between them.

“Sophie, it’s great to see you, but what are you doing here? I thought you were off to the seaside with your friends. You are supposed to be resting.”

That’s the story she’d told him. She’d thought the small white lie acceptable. The truth hadn’t been. “I lied. I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

He didn’t seem angry and for that, the guilt deepened. “I didn’t want you to know where I was really going. What I was really doing.”

St. Ives sat in the worn chair before the fire—the same chair Blake had sat in last night—an expectant look on his handsome face. “What are you really doing?”

She nodded, braced herself. “I was running.”

“From me?”

“From everything. After I lost the baby, I just couldn’t face any of it. I’ve done it before and it’s a living nightmare.”

“Done it before? You’re not making any sense. Are you sure you’re all right?”

She nodded again. She could trust him with her story and should have before now. She told him about being held against her will, but not about the rape. She left out the early years in London and the past twenty or so hours as well. But the rest she told him. About leaving her family in the dead of the night, about the babies she had lost over the years she had sold her body.

She should have known relief at the unburdening, but she was still a common liar. Even with sympathy etched all over Daemon’s face, Sophie still couldn’t tell him the whole truth.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked when she was finally done with the sordid tale.

“I didn’t want anyone to know about my family, about my past. There had to be somewhere safe I could return to when the time came.”