Before I Saw You(2)

‘That is the worst motivational phrase ever. It sounds like you’re walking to your bloody death.’

‘Well, isn’t that what we’re all doing, Matthew my friend?’ Alfie reached over and patted him on the arm.

‘Oh, give over. You’re still a dark-humoured bastard even with one leg, aren’t you!’ Matty slapped his hand away affectionately.

It was around now when most people usually took their cue to leave – they’d checked in on him, cracked a few jokes, asked the questions they thought they should. There was usually only so much time being surrounded by the sick and vulnerable that a person could take.

‘Right, buddy, got to dash. Mel and the kids send their love. Let me know if you need anything, otherwise I’ll see you same time same place next week?’

‘Don’t you worry, I’ll be here! Take care of yourself and give the little ones a kiss from me.’

‘Sure thing. Love you, mate.’

‘Yeah, you too, Matty.’

The declarations of love were still something Alfie was getting used to. They had only started after Matty had thought his best friend was gone for ever. The first time, Alfie could have sworn he’d misheard.

‘What did you just say?’

‘Nothing.’ Matty had shuffled uncomfortably, his gaze fixed to the floor. ‘I just …’ His eyes flickered up briefly to meet Alfie’s. ‘I just said I love you, is all.’

Alfie had burst out into laughter. ‘Oh, come on, mate! Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t need to say all that stuff.’ But Matty was definitely not laughing. In fact, he was looking even more uncomfortable. His head had dropped lower; his fists were tight by his side.

‘Look, it’s not ridiculous, OK?’ He was painfully forcing the words out through gritted teeth. ‘When I thought I’d lost you, I realized I’d never said it to you once. Not in the entire fifteen years of our friendship, and so I promised myself that if you survived I’d tell you. Thankfully here we are, so you’d better get used to it, OK?’

It was all Alfie could do not to cry. ‘I love you too, mate.’

Since then, it had become the full stop at the end of their every goodbye. Of course it was said in a very nonchalant, testosterone-filled manner, but Alfie knew how important those few words were to both of them now.

Alfie had been a patient at St Francis’s hospital for nearly six weeks. Since he’d moved to Hackney three years ago, he’d had the pleasure of seeing St Francis’s regularly. Its murky pebble-dashing loomed over the trendy gentrified streets as a reminder there was a shabby history that couldn’t be ignored.

‘Jesus Christ, if I ever end up in that place, Mum, promise me you’ll get me transferred?’ he’d joke, whenever they’d walk past it during one of her visits.

‘Oh, don’t be so morbid. I’ve heard very good things about that place.’

‘Really? You’re telling me you’ve heard good things about a place that looks more like a multi-storey car park than a hospital?’

‘Stop it! If you were at death’s door, trust me, you’d be begging them to take you in.’ She smiled at him in that infuriating self-righteous way. ‘Plus, what have I always taught you? Never judge a book by its cover.’

But continue to judge it he did. Right up until the very moment the unsightly building and the people within it saved his life. As soon as he was admitted, they’d known it was bad. Just one look at the wreckage would have told you that, but over a month in hospital? Nobody could have predicted that.





3


Alice





‘Hey, honey … can you hear me?’ The voice was quiet, hopeful and cautious.

The smell was the first thing to hit her.

Bleach. Blood. Human decay.

‘You don’t even need to say anything, Alice, love. Maybe blink or wiggle those fingers of yours, we just want to know if you’re awake.’

In an act to get this human and her nauseating kindness away from her, Alice forced her fingers to move. The effort alone felt peculiar. How had she forgotten to use her own body? How long had it been since she’d told her brain to work?

‘There you are, Alice, my girl. Well done, you’re doing brilliantly!’

It didn’t feel like she was doing brilliantly. It felt like someone had stretched and pulled at her skin, trying to fit her into a new body that was the wrong shape altogether, and then to top it off they’d run out of material and given up halfway through the job. She felt unfinished and in a hell of a lot of pain.

‘You’ve been in an accident, Alice, but you’re on the mend now. I’m going to call for the doctor so he can come and explain what’s been happening, OK? Sit tight, sweetheart, I’ll be back in a moment.’

Alice’s head was pounding. Broken fragments of memory kept swirling around her mind, making it impossible for her to think. She blinked her eyes open and saw two people hurrying towards her bed.

Please just tell me where the hell I am.

‘Hi Miss Gunnersley. Do you mind if I call you Alice?’

The doctor stepped a little closer to her. He had a face that Alice presumed was once filled with hope and enthusiasm for the work he was doing, but now appeared a little jaded and somewhat wary. Here stood a man well and truly hardened to death.