Before I Let You Go(119)
Our family and the baby would be my purpose.
Right up until the birth, Wyatt desperately wanted to name our baby ‘Wyatt Junior’, or ‘Brenda’ after his mother. I loathed both names, and wanted to call the baby David or Selina – names which I hoped would not shackle the child with the Gillespie family history from the very moment of its birth. After sitting quite helplessly in the room staring at me while I suffered through twenty-three hours of labour, Wyatt had the good sense to capitulate and allow me to choose the name, and so our son David Wyatt Gillespie was born. I’m not an unreasonable woman – I did at least compromise on the middle name.
It wasn’t what I planned, but from the moment I laid eyes on that baby, the disappointment and frustration I felt at the situation I’d landed myself into all but evaporated. Until David was in my arms, I’d felt trapped – but as soon as I saw him, I was free. He was magnificent – not just a reason to make the most of things – but The Reason. All it took was one moment with him snuggled against my breast and everything about my life made sense again. The agony of his birth, the disappointment I’d felt at the accidental pregnancy, the uncertainty about my relationship with Wyatt – all of that became inconsequential in a single, defining moment.
David was my perfection – and raising him was instantly my purpose. I threw myself into motherhood with great abandon, and even in the fog of the early sleepless weeks and months, I found a startling joy in his presence in my life. I delighted in every coo and took satisfaction in his every smile, and from my mild depression during the pregnancy I found myself entering a golden age of my life during David’s early years.
And that was the way of our early family life. Wyatt went off to work each day at Gillespie’s Goods and Groceries as his father’s assistant manager and he continued to immerse himself in sports each weekend, and I stayed home to keep our house and build my life around our son.
And it wasn’t at all the life I’d wanted, but that really didn’t matter – I was blissfully happy anyway.