Be a Doll(92)

“Forecast said it would be a day with small waves. My father said he’d join us later.’’ My voice was rough as images of that day came back. I could still see the cloudless sky, smell the salty ocean and remember how it felt to be floating in the water. It’s been almost twenty years since I had last gone swimming. “It only took one bigger wave.’’

Her little hand went to my thigh, bringing me back before I got lost in the past. I stared at her and found compassion written all over her face. I thought I’d hate to see that on her because I didn’t deserve it considering going surfing had been my idea and I had forced Max to go when he wanted to finish reading his book first, but her compassion pushed away some of the self-loathing I never ceased to feel.

“You blame yourself for what happened and I’m pretty sure your father blames himself because he agreed to let you go. It’s useless, Mathis. As awful as it is, accidents happen. After all, if Max hadn’t really wanted to go, he would have said no, don’t you think?’’

I tensed and shook my head once. “Max always followed my lead. He wouldn’t have said no.’’

“Okay,’’ she said, her voice soft and soothing. “But it’s not because it was your idea that it’s your fault.’’ She took a deep breath and one look at her told me that she would share more of herself and something painful. I recognized that haunted look from seeing it most of the time when I stared at myself in the mirror and realized that there should be two like me. “I don’t think I told you how I got to be placed in the foster care system. Well, maybe you already know if you’ve—’’

“I didn’t dig up that far in your past,’’ I cut her off, turning on the stool to face her. She kept her hand on my thigh, the warmth of her palm seeping through the thin material of the pajama pants I had on.

She nodded and looked down at her lap as her hand shook slightly on my leg. If grief had a smell, I smelled it pouring out of her in that moment. It was so familiar. I put a hand over hers to cover it. It was something I wouldn’t do in a normal circumstance, but nothing was normal between us, or maybe it was the normal for other people and we discovered it little by little.

“It’s been a long time and I don’t remember my parents much. My memories of them are very few and most of the time they don’t feel real.’’ She cleared her throat then. I saw her holding onto her inner strength, a strength so much more commendable than mine and looked up at me. “There’s one memory I have and it’s etched in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I had just gotten over the flu and I was tired. I wanted ice cream but we didn’t have any left so I asked my parents if we could go and buy some. They didn’t want to at first, but I begged them and they finally agreed. I’d been cooped up in our little apartment for a week, so we all went to the small store on the next street over. On the way we were attacked by some guy who wanted their wallets and my father tried to push him away. The man killed both my parents with his knife and ran when I screamed. They were both dead almost instantly.’’ She shook her head, dispelling her memory from her beautiful eyes. “What I’m saying is, do you think I was the reason why my parents got killed?’’

“Of course not, Lila.’’ I stood up and went to stand between her legs. She tilted her head up to keep her eyes on my face. I cupped her face in one hand, my heart hurting for that little girl who saw her parents get killed in front of her. I was also awed to be in the presence of such a strong woman. The fire inside of her burning so bright had immediately called out to me, but where I knew her strength was impressive, I hadn’t thought for one moment how incredible that woman truly was for never losing herself, even after such a traumatic event. “Your situation is very different from mine. Shit, you shouldn’t have had to witness that.’’

“You’re missing the point, Mathis,’’ she said, her voice soft and without any trace of the bitterness you would expect after unearthing a painful memory. Contrary to me, she didn’t let one moment define her whole life or herself. “I was the one begging for ice cream, just like you were the one who wanted to go and surf with Max. How is my situation any different to yours? The important thing is that you realize that you didn’t kill your brother.’’

My throat closed up and my hand cupping her face shook. She covered it with her own, but it didn’t settle me. If anything her warmth made me even more aware of the coldness growing inside me, the kind that stemmed from pain and regrets, from loss of control and sight of who I was.

“Then what, huh? It was just a damn freak accident?’’

“It was a devastating accident, but an accident nobody could have seen coming. You can try and have control over everything Mathis, and still some things will be out of your realm of action. I mean, you or I could cross a street and be driven over by a lunatic cab. Anything can happen at any given time. Your brother died that day, but it wasn’t because of you. If you really want to blame something, blame the ocean, that wave. Not yourself.’’

“Easier said than done.’’ I breathed her in, and closed my eyes, fighting off the panic attack mounting inside of me and it took me off guard to feel it receding. It slowly abated as more of Lila’s warmth invaded my revolting body. When she locked her legs around me and wrapped her arms around my waist to put her head against my chest where she probably heard my heart hammering maddeningly there, the tension left me at once and instead of the empty impression I always got afterward, I felt her. She was inside me, under my damn skin.