Be Good A New Adult Romance (RE12)(28)

I was shaking so hard, I could barely get the door unlocked. I just got the door shut behind me when I sank to me knees and fell apart.

I cried so hard I was nearly convulsing. I had never felt such raw emotions in my life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to pieces. I curled into a ball on the floor and tried desperately to disappear. But no matter how small I got, I was still here. I still existed. And for a short while, I thought I had mattered to someone.

I guess I was wrong. I mattered to no one.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the sound of the hotel room phone ringing.

I let it ring because I didn’t have the energy to get up and answer it. Except that it didn’t stop. It kept ringing and ringing. It was driving me crazy.

So I used every ounce of energy I could muster to lift myself up from the floor to get the phone.

“Anna,” Brett said when I answered.

“Fuck you,” I yelled and slammed the phone down.

What a waste of energy that was.

Of course, the phone rang again and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until I talked to him.

“What do you want,” I yelled into the phone when I picked it up again.

“Please don’t hang up, Anna. I want to talk to you.”

“So talk,” I said coldly.

“Is there any way I can see you?” he asked tentatively.

“Not a good idea.”

“Please,” he begged.

“If you feel bad about breaking up with me by phone, don’t. I realize I’m not smart and I don’t have my act together like Becca. I know I’m a mess and fatally flawed. I’m not a genius like the two of you but I can certainly take a hint.”

I could hear him sigh. “I’m so sorry.”

“Cut the shit, Brett, okay. I’m a big girl. I can see what’s going on.”

“Please let me see you,” he pleaded.

“Why? Why do you need to see me? Do you want another piece? Is that it? A goodbye f*ck before you get back together with your fiancé?”

The line was silent. I almost thought he had hung up on me. I was just about to hang up, too, when I heard a small sob. It was barely audible but it was there. He was crying. Shit.

“Fine,” I said not sure why. “You can come to my room.” I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see him.

“What room are you in?”

“226.”

“Do you intentionally ask for that room?”

“No, it just happens.”

“I’ll be right down.”

I went into the bathroom to see how bad I looked. I felt like shit and looked even worse. An entire tube of Preparation H couldn’t touch the bags that were under my eyes from crying. My hair was all over the place. I decided to do nothing about my appearance. I wanted Brett to see what he had done to me. Maybe it would make him suffer at bit more.

A few seconds later, there was a light knock on my door. I opened it and Brett was standing there in jeans and a Pearl Jam tee shirt. I knew he had intentionally worn it but it didn’t make me smile. It just made me sadder.

“Can I come in?” His voice raspy from crying.

I didn’t say anything, just stepped away from the door. He came in and put his hands in his pockets. I knew now that was his way of stopping himself from touching me.

“Oh, God,” he said as tears streamed down his face. “I never meant to hurt you.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “You may not have meant to but you did. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. I trusted you. I believed every lie you told me. I thought you were different. That you weren’t that guy. But it turns out you’re a millions times worse. Do you know why? Because at least that guy is honest about what he wants. I can handle a guy, who just wants to f*ck around, as long as he’s honest about it.”

“That’s not all I wanted,” he said softly.

“Are you and Rebecca getting back together?” I spat out.

His non-response to my question was all I needed.

“You need to leave.”

When he finally looked up at me his eyes were red and wet. “Please let me explain.”

I let out a single jaded laugh. “What is there to explain? Sweater Vest batted her little puppy dog eyes at you and said she wanted you back and I was cast aside like yesterday’s garbage. I get it Brett. I know I’m not exactly marriage material. I’m not the girl you take home to mom and dad. I’m not the girl you spend your life with and have 2.5 kids with. I’m the girl you f*ck around with until you finally find the girl you want to marry.”

Brett looked at me with so much pain in his eyes my breath caught. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Too late for that.” Brett ripped my heart out and stomped on it until there was nothing left.

“When I agreed to have lunch with Becca, I didn’t know she wanted to get back together. She told me she had made a big mistake and that she still loved me and wanted me back.”

“Did you even think about me? About us?”

“Of course.” His eyes were now filled with desperation. “Can’t you see this is tearing me up? Becca and I were together for three years. We were going to get married. When she left me, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. I didn’t think there would be anyone else. I didn’t think anyone else would ever love me. Until you stormed into my life. You made me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else ever.”

“But I guess that’s not enough, is it?”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

I shook my head. “You’re not supposed to do anything, Brett. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy.”

I thought about the last month of my life and how happy Brett had made me. I was happy and sad and pissed off and all the other things he made me feel. He opened me up like no one else ever had. I wondered if anyone else ever would. Or if I would let him.

“Is she going to the wedding with you?” I asked. I had assumed he and I would be together but I never asked. Of course, I didn’t know Sweater Vest was going to be back in his life.

He nodded.

If he was taking her to the wedding then it was obvious what decision he had made. He had already chosen her. This was his way of trying to end things with me.

“I guess we have nothing more to say to each other then.” I walked toward the door hoping he’d follow me and get the hell out of my room.

It looked like he wanted to say more but he didn’t. He kept his eyes on the floor as he walked to the door.

Before he left, he looked at me. His eyes were hollow with grief. He swallowed then said, “Please don’t think I didn’t love you.”

And then he was gone.





Ten


I gave serious consideration to not going to the wedding at all. I didn’t want to see Brett and Sweater Vest together. I knew it would rip my heart to pieces. Oh, how I longed to have my withered heart back again. Why did I ever let it bloom? Because I thought Brett was different. I trusted him. Now I realized he didn’t deserve my trust. He was just like every other guy.

I took in a deep breath. Well, the best way to get over a guy was to get another one, and knowing Sarah and Sean, their reception would be filled with some of the best looking guys from college.

This was the only wedding of the summer that I wasn’t a bridesmaid, so I would have an opportunity to wear anything I wanted. I decided on a little retail therapy. I decided to max out my credit card and get the hottest dress and shoes I could find in Vegas.

Thirty stores and five hundred dollars later, I had the perfect things to wear. I found a killer red mini dress and matching f*ck-me pumps. Even though I’d be paying off the balance for a few months, I thought it would be worth a million dollars to see the look on Brett’s face when he saw me in it and I reminded him he couldn’t have me. Then I’d go and pick up any other guy I wanted right under his nose. I realized it was mean and vindictive but that’s the mood I was in. It was the only thing that made me feel even a tiny bit better.

The wedding was a blur of Pachelbel’s Cannon, a Unity candle, pre-written vows—basically the same-old, same-old just like every other wedding I had ever been to. The only thing I was really paying attention to was Brett and Sweater Vest sitting three rows ahead of me. They weren’t sitting as close as I would have been sitting, if I was the one with Brett and that made my heart ache a bit. It made me wonder how affectionate Sweater Vest was. Brett had always been so affectionate with me. But it was something I wanted and needed. Maybe Sweater Vest didn’t need anything. Maybe that’s what Brett found so appealing about her. At quick glance, she seemed to be perfect for him in every way. She was smart. She had a terrific job. She was proper and conservative. She seemed very low maintenance. Hell, she was probably a virgin when they met. Brett was probably her first, too. I wondered how she felt about him f*cking a slut. She would probably never use the word f*ck. Maybe that’s what the little wall between them was all about. Maybe she was having a little trouble coming to terms with Brett being with me. Or I could be reading way too much into it and she just wasn’t the type to be affectionate in public. Or maybe she just wasn’t affectionate at all. Some people are like that. But why was I torturing myself even thinking about Brett and Sweater Vest? It was obviously time to get on with my life. Brett had made his decision and he hadn’t chosen me.