Atonement(39)
I stared at him with slight puzzlement. “Can I ask what I did exactly?”
“Giving me a reason to go on and do something with my life. Do you realize my grandparents’ have never met another significant other of mine? They never met ‘Carrie’ because I didn’t truly think we were right for one another so what was the use of them getting their hopes up and thinking I would give them grandchildren soon enough when I knew in my heart of hearts I would never marry her?”
He began to drive as the light turned green. “You are still the only woman who takes my very breath away by being in the same room with you. The connection we have is strong and palpable. Sometimes I think I am losing my mind, falling for you the way I have. It just doesn’t seem real at times, like I’m having a really great dream right before I am forced awake and I realize nothing in my life has changed except the latest conquest warming my bed. Then, I realize there is just something missing and I’ve blown my chance at perhaps having a satisfying relationship because I decided to take things too fast.
“I haven’t even made a pretense at getting to know this person and perhaps she could be a great girl. I was too busy allowing my hormones to overrule my heart and that is why I am always perpetually alone. It’s hard to have respect for someone who is willing to give you their body so easily. And it ruins all chances of you ever getting to know them because the ‘sex’ part got in the way.”
I turned to stare at him. “If it makes you feel any better, I’d like to take this…what ever that exists between us…slow. I like you and I am terribly attracted to you but I don’t want to be another conquest, Colin. One night stands have never been my thing and I want us to take the time to get to know each other. If that is all right with you then perhaps we can build a friendship based on mutual trust and take it from there.”
He remained silent as we drove and all I could think about was how I’d wished he filled that silence with words. I was one to talk. One night stands my ass. I’d had one with his brother before we left and I felt so guilty about it, just thinking of what I’d done brought color to my cheeks.
Perhaps because it hadn’t felt like a one night stand and I was so desperate at the time to be with someone and Liam fit the bill nicely. However, there was also that feeling there could never be anything permanent between us because he was my employer and I actually looked forward to starting my new job. I didn’t want to go back to my old life filled with school work and charities.
Although I loved volunteering, a part of me realized it was high time I grew up and realized I needed a life. An adult life filled with grown up responsibilities like going to work, paying taxes and yes, having a normal boyfriend, what ever that meant.
Colin was normal to a certain extent but like me, he’d also been stuck in the merry-go-round of arrested development. Like Peter Pan and Wendy, we didn’t want to grow up but stay in that youth-filled environment where responsibility eluded us and we could just mess around because we had enough disposable income real life didn’t seem to beckon us the way it would have had we not been born into wealth and privilege.
“I can do slow,” he finally said before he turned to look at me.
We were both sitting inside the car, parked in front of his grandparents’ house. “I look forward to taking it slow with you because I think you’re worth it. But I also have to believe this isn’t going to be some game. I want to know that if we do decide to take it slow, we have a real shot at a relationship when we get back to Seattle. I don’t want this to be some sort of…vacation romance that is expected to end just because we have gotten back to the real world filled with jobs and responsibilities. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes, I do.” I stepped out of the sports utility vehicle at the same time he did and we both unloaded the bags from the trunk. “Listen, I don’t do vacation romances either so if we’re going to do this then it will be real for me. Just like it is for you too. No half-measures, no games, only what we decide to do and where to take what we have. If that’s fine with you of course.”
He walked toward the house with me side-by-side. “Are we negotiating?”
“Sort of although this isn’t a business agreement. It’s strictly personal and I am grateful and honored you have decided to introduce me to your grandparents’. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal but now that I know it is, I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”