Ash Princess (Ash Princess Trilogy #1)(104)

The Kaiser should have killed me when he had the chance.



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—

I don’t know how long passes before my laughter dies down, or how much more time inches by before the footsteps break up the silence, these much softer than the guards’. Too soft to be Blaise’s. Artemisia’s, maybe? I scramble toward the bars and try to see down the hall, but it’s too dark and I don’t dare call out a name.

A candle’s dim light turns a corner, coming toward me and growing brighter, illuminating the girl holding it. I have to stifle a cry of surprise when she stops in front of my cell door, face inches from mine.

Crescentia might have survived the Encatrio, but it didn’t leave her unchanged. Her once soft, rosy skin has turned chalky, and even in the candlelight, it has a gray sheen, except for her neck, which is coal black from jawline to clavicle and rough as unpolished stone. Her hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes have all turned from pale gold to a blinding, brittle white. Before, her hair fell past her waist in waves, but now it ends bluntly at her shoulders, frayed and broken at the edges. Singed.

But it isn’t only the poison. The girl standing on the other side of the cell bars isn’t the one I’ve known for the past ten years, the one I pretended to be a siren with, the one I laughed and gossiped with. That Crescentia was pretty and sweet and always smiling, but this girl has red-rimmed eyes and an expression like ice. No one could call her pretty now—fierce, striking, beautiful maybe, but never pretty. When we met, I thought she looked like a goddess, and she still does. But it’s no longer Evavia I see; it’s her sister Nemia, the goddess of vengeance. Before, Crescentia looked at me with love, like we were sisters, but now hate rolls off her in palpable waves.

And I don’t even blame her for it, though I can’t regret murdering the Theyn.

“Do you want to know why I did it?” I ask her when several moments pass in silence.

Her flinch is nearly imperceptible, but it’s there. “I know why you did it.” Her throat is raw and burnt and every word seems to pain her, though I can see how badly she tries not to show it.

She doesn’t know, not really, and I want her to understand. “For the last ten years I’ve lain awake at night with my mother’s dying scream in my ear, with your father’s cruel eyes haunting my nightmares. I thought he would kill me, too, sooner or later. The only way I could sleep was if I imagined killing him first. Poison wasn’t ideal, I’ll admit. A dagger would have been symmetrical; his own sword would have been poetic. But I worked with what I had.”

I watch her face carefully for a reaction as I speak, trying to shock her, but she barely even blinks. She reads me like one of her more challenging poems, and I know she sees through my apathy. It’s not surprising. We’ve always been able to read each other well. The difference is that for the first time, her mind is closed to me. I am looking at a stranger.

“Not killing you was the only time my father defied orders,” she tells me after a moment of quiet, her voice cold. “The Kaiser wanted you dead. My father passed it off as strategy, and he wasn’t wrong, but that’s not the real reason he spared you. He told me once that he looked at you and saw me. That turned out to be the biggest mistake he made.”

I remember the Theyn pulling me away from my mother’s body, even as I clutched her dress as tightly as I could. I remember him taking me to another room, speaking with his soldiers in a halting, violent language I didn’t understand at the time. I remember him asking me in terrible Astrean if I wanted something to eat or drink. I remember crying too hard to answer him.

I push the memories to the back of my mind and focus on Cress standing in front of me, expecting…what? Sympathy? An apology?

“After a life filled with senseless murders and brutalities, that’s truly saying something,” I tell her instead. “I won’t lose any sleep over him, even if I had another night of sleep left.”

Her jaw tenses. After a moment, she speaks again. “And why me?”

A laugh forces its way out of me. “Why you?” I repeat, surprised that she has to ask, after everything.

“I was your heart’s sister.”

The term that was once an endearment now sounds vile.

“You would have turned me over to the Kaiser if I didn’t stay complacent and docile. I wasn’t your heart’s sister, Cress. I wasn’t any different to you than a slave who forgot my place and stepped out of line. You cracked the whip and reminded me who was in charge.”

There it is, a tremble so slight I would miss it if I hadn’t known her as long as I have. She’s wearing the mask of a stranger now, but it slipped for just a second. Just enough to remind me what we were once, how far we’ve fallen in such a short time. But as soon as it appears, it’s gone. Sealed away behind cold gray eyes and stone skin.

I push forward, desperate to break through again, even if it only brings rage and hate. Anything is better than her cold, vacant eyes.

“Thora was your heart’s sister, maybe,” I say. “Sweet, obliging Thora, who never wanted anything. The broken little Ash Princess who depended on you because she had no one else. But that’s not what I am.”

A spark in her eyes, a clench of her jaw. “What you are is a monster,” she tells me, biting out the words with more ferocity than I thought she possessed.