As She Fades(49)

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

VALE

IT WAS HARD not to watch Slate Allen during dinner. He was beautiful, but there was something more there. Something I didn’t understand, but I wanted to. It was like I knew him. He had read to me while I was in my coma. Which I understood was because he was friends with Knox and up at the hospital visiting his uncle. He was just being nice.

I wanted to do something nice for him. Momma had sent food to Slate and his uncle over the past weeks. But I felt like I owed them both a thank-you. For Slate taking time to give my family a break while sitting with me, and for his uncle giving up the time he had with Slate for me. I just wasn’t sure yet what that might be.

“I think I’ve convinced Mom and Dad to let Vale go to school next month. I promised to bring her home once a week for rehab until they release her. But she’s kicking ass right now—” Knox was cut off by the clearing of Momma’s throat.

“Language, please,” she said, frowning at him.

Knox just chuckled. “Sure. Sorry.” He cut his eyes to Slate and grinned. I was sure they both talked a lot worse than that at college. This year Knox would move in to the frat house. I wondered if Slate lived there, too.

“Are you ready to go?” Slate asked, and I felt his gaze locked on me.

I was. And I wasn’t. Before, it had been mine and Crawford’s dream. Now it was just mine. He had come back to the hospital the next day and we had managed to talk some about school and my plans. He kept telling me he missed me and wanted to be near me.

I softened to him some, but I still wasn’t the girl I had been. I wasn’t going back to her, either. She had lost herself. And I had found her again.

“I’m already enrolled and my first semester is paid for, so I would hate to miss that. Plus there’s no reason for me to stay here.” That was the best answer I had. Because the truth was, Bington was really Crawford’s choice. Not mine.

“It sounds like you’re not sure,” Slate said, studying me. He didn’t seem to care that my brother and mother were in the room listening to us. It was like it was just us and no one else was there.

“I’m nervous. Unsure, I guess.”

“You’ll be fine. I’m there,” Knox said, patting me on the back for reassurance.

I knew that, but I still was having nightmares. Of the wreck. Those last seconds before everything went black. My family wasn’t talking about it, but they knew. Mom had slept in my room last night to wake me when they started.

The doorbell rang and Mom stood up, placing the napkin in her lap to the right of her plate. “Not sure who that could be,” she said to herself more than anyone else. “Excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

“What day are you planning on moving?” Slate asked me. He seemed curious about my decisions and future. That was odd, but the way he looked at me—as if he could see something there important—I wanted to answer him.

“Not sure. We didn’t talk about that. Just that I would be going.”

Before anyone else could say more, Mom returned … and with her was Crawford. He glanced at Knox with a nod, then at Slate. He didn’t seem very interested in who Slate was, and his attention moved directly to me.

“Seems we have another dinner guest,” Mom said, motioning for Crawford to sit down across from me.

“No, ma’am. I’ve already eaten, but thank you. I just wanted to speak with Vale a minute if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Mom replied, and I felt like pointing out I was in the middle of eating, but I didn’t want to be rude. So I stood up and motioned my head toward the door to the kitchen.

“This way,” I directed, and realized again how I had just made a decision. I hadn’t allowed Crawford to determine where we would talk. I didn’t wait on him but went on outside and let him follow.

When we were far enough from the door that our voices wouldn’t be overheard, I stopped and turned to look at him.

“I came back after practice. It feels different between us, and I want to fix it, Vale. I just don’t know how to.”

I wasn’t sure it was fixable. But Crawford was a big part of my past. He had been in my life for the majority of it, and I loved him. I just felt different about him since opening my eyes—and it wasn’t because he hadn’t been there.

“I’m not sure, either” was my honest response.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I love you, Vale.”

And I loved him. But it was different. I didn’t know how to explain it. So instead of trying, I said, “I know.”

He closed the distance between us and placed a hand on my arm before leaning in to kiss me. It was nice. Safe. Everything I knew … yet it was missing something. The kiss was no different from any other he’d given me … maybe a bit sweeter, more gentle. But it was empty. Like I’d tasted a deeper kind and wanted it again. But I knew he’d been the only boy I had ever kissed. There had been no one else.

I kissed him back, hoping to fill the void, but even when the kiss ended and he smiled down at me like he always had, I felt a little lost.

That night I dreamed of more. Heat, breathtaking excitement, and a rush like I had never experienced. It was the more that filled me. I wasn’t lost but happy. And it wasn’t Crawford who was making me feel that way. The boy from my childhood, the boy I could trust above all others, never once entered that dream. It was almost as if he didn’t exist.