As She Fades(34)

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

THE AWKWARDNESS FROM Uncle D’s advice had eventually faded when he began talking about the hot nurse that hadn’t been in today and how he’d eat peanut butter and crackers if she’d feed him.

I enjoyed being around Slate’s uncle. He was right: Uncle D had no filter and said whatever he was thinking. Every time I remembered he was sick and dying, my heart ached. I didn’t like to think of him being gone. The love and respect in Slate’s face when he looked at his uncle was obvious. It also made complete sense as to how Slate had turned out the way he had.

Next we headed for Crawford’s room. I wasn’t sure what made me more nervous—having Slate with me or Juliet’s reaction to the sight of me.

“Why don’t you go on in alone? I’ll get a Coke and wait out here.” I could argue with him that no, he should come, too, but I didn’t. Because the idea of him coming with me was part of what was making me nervous. It wasn’t like Crawford would see us together and know something. It just … it was cheating. At least, that’s what it felt like.

“Okay,” I agreed. He squeezed my hand.

“Go see him. Talk to him. I’ll be waiting.”

That. That right there was what made Slate special. It was hard to pretend he wasn’t special when he did things like that. What guy was so understanding in a situation like this? I hadn’t known one.

I knocked on the door lightly before slowly opening the door and stepping inside. Juliet was, of course, sitting by Crawford’s side and a book lay open in her lap. Her eyes locked with mine and her eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Vale, I didn’t know you were home,” she said, studying me.

“I’m just here today. I wanted to come see him. I should have called. But it was a last-minute decision.”

She seemed to be okay with that. Thank goodness. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear your voice. Knox was here a few days ago and read to him. I think he had more brain activity. He needs voices other than mine.”

I walked over to the side of his bed. “He looks good,” I said, not really meaning it. He was thin. Nothing like the muscular athlete he had been. It was hard to see him like this. I wanted him to open his eyes and look at me.

“Yes, he does look better these days. I think he’s getting ready to wake up soon.” The hope in her voice was clear. I hoped the same thing, but saying it was difficult.

She stood up. “I’ll let you talk to him. I need to go get something to eat anyway. Take your time.”

This was different. Very unlike her, but then, I wasn’t camping out in the waiting room anymore. I nodded.

When the door closed behind her, I looked back down at Crawford. So many memories. Where once I had thought it was all good things, I knew now that there were memories that weren’t so good. Like the way I had changed for him. Without meaning to. That would never be the same. When he woke up, I wasn’t doing that again. I loved him. He was a part of every memory I had of growing up. But I had to be me. And he had to love me for me.

“College is a lot like we imagined. I’ve made friends. You’d like them. You’d like everything about Bington. It was a good choice. I’m glad you picked it. Even if I hadn’t been on board at first.”

He lay there sleeping. So I talked more. “I miss you, but I’m finding a way to move on. To live. Life without you seemed impossible at first. I wasn’t willing to even try. But I knew you’d want me to. So I am.”

I looked around the room that had become a part of his life. His existence. “You’ll wake up soon. Things will be different. For both of us. I’m worried about that. Even a little scared. I’m not the same girl I was on graduation night. And I know you won’t be the same, either. This isn’t exactly what I imagined when we talked about growing up.”

Again, nothing. Just the silence. I stood there and watched him breathe until his mother returned with a bottle of water in her hands. Saying good-bye was easier than I thought it would be. My life was truly changing.

*

ONCE WE WERE back in the Jeep, Slate didn’t ask me questions about Crawford. Nor did he mention anything his uncle had said. I had actually expected him to do both, but he acted as if there was nothing to talk about. So I went along with it. He was quiet, and I could tell seeing his uncle so sick was hard on him. Leaving him had seemed to be the most difficult.

My parents were expecting us, and so was the rest of the family, apparently, because all their cars were parked out front when we pulled up. I had given my mom a call after breakfast to let her know we were visiting Slate’s uncle and Crawford, then stopping by to see them. She insisted we eat dinner with them.

Slate had seemed on board with the idea. The only one missing was Knox, who was back at Bington. He worked Saturday nights at a local radio station. I also didn’t let him know I was going anywhere with Slate. I had seen and heard enough already. I didn’t need his warnings.

“So it seems that the rest of the family will be joining us for dinner,” I said, feeling like this was a bit unfair. Slate hadn’t agreed to the whole family thing. “My brothers and I are close. They aren’t used to me being gone all the time. Jonah you won’t see tonight because he’s a Marine and on active duty. But the others are all here.”